Dear Harlan,
For the past two years, every man that I meet and am interested in turns out to be married, gay or both! My friends do not believe me. One time, we were at a parade in our hometown and a nice older gentleman (maybe 15 years older) started flirting with me. The friends approve. We moved to the opposite side of the road (at his request) and had a great time, until he tells me he is gay and married to a woman (just in order to get his trust fund). I asked him why he wanted to hang with me without my friends. He said because I was fun and nonjudgmental. So, here's my question: How do I meet a straight guy who thinks I'm No. 1? I used to pick losers, clean them up and marry them off to my friends.
Bad Picker
Dear Bad Picker,
The saying "All the good ones are gay or married" is NOT TRUE. I understand what's happening. You go after guys who need help. You approach them because they're approachable (i.e. less likely to reject you). They like the attention. You clean them up. By the time they are desirable, they see you as a friend and go after your friends. Then, you play the victim. When it comes to the gay guys who like you, the gay guys approach you because they aren't worried about getting rejected by you. Maybe you're just too hot for straight guys to approach you? Try this — go after extremely confident guys who don't need to be cleaned up, and don't be surprised when older men at gay pride parades hit on you. When approaching confident men, be assertive and make it clear that you're looking for a date and not a friend. Then see where this takes you. Clearly, you're fun and likable.
I don't see this happening too often really. I, as a guy, have been shut down on every chance. I'm "too clingy" or "too crazy". I have bipolar disorder and am on medication, but that doesn't make me a bad person or a danger, I'm actually most likely the safest person you can ever be with or near because I don't take shit from people especially when it comes to people I care about. And even if someone leaves me I will still make sure that if I am around they will be safe. Granted I will do it from a distance and won't bother them if they don't bother me.
ReplyDeleteThe major problem here is that Bad Picker probably sees herself as "too good" for certain guys. Like guys that have a small social circle, geeks, freaks, and weirdos. Don't take offense to this, just coming from a male perspective. I am a guy, I have not been charismatic until recently, I am socially awkward, but I'm a really good person.
ReplyDeleteRecently I had a revelation: Before I had some issues come up in my life I was doing literally everything, EVERYTHING, for other people. I didn't do anything for myself and it eventually took a toll on me and messed me up bad. Now my goal in life is to live for myself first and others second, just take some time to sit down and think about what you have been doing and whether you were doing it because it is right or because it is what you are told is right. Just take some time and think about your priorities.
With all due respect, I am not sure you are right about this one, HMH. I think sometimes women are drawn to men who are unavailable because it's easier to fail at a relationsihp than to actually deal with the issues that go along with intimacy, even if you claim to really want a boyfriend/girlfriend. Both gay and married men are safe (most of the time) because they are a built in dead end.
ReplyDeleteFigure out (through counseling or self reflection) what it is you are scared of and then mindfully choose men who don't fall into the category of "fail proof." Or continue engaging in these dead end relationships until you are ready for the real thing and just own the fact that it's not really about the men, it's really about you, and that's not a bad thing.
One more thing, gay men are "attractive" because they are often more womanlike, and make better friends, are more compassionate and even more fun. Don't beat yourself up over wanting those things in a partner. You might just need to find a modified version of that in a straight male.
There are a lot of us straight men out there wondering why there are so many Gay women nowadays since it is very hard meeting a good straight one now.
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