tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40727664366674972582024-03-13T06:56:05.472-07:00Harlan Cohen's BlogHarlan is a best-selling author, speaker, musician, and syndicated advice columnist. This is his personal blog.Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.comBlogger144125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-43676628974651778312010-12-16T15:20:00.000-08:002010-12-16T15:21:07.216-08:00Mom Can't Stop Grown Son From Meeting Online Girlfriend<span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><p><b>Dear Harlan,</b></p> <p>How can I support my son? He's met a girl online and wants to meet her. He's been chatting with her for several months and has developed strong feelings for her. It's become an intense relationship. He's just started his first year in college and has been consumed with this girl. They haven't met, but yet they call themselves a couple. He wants to meet her, and I'm having a hard time supporting this decision. In fact, I think it's a terrible idea. There's no way to know if this is safe or what he's getting into. They are going to meet halfway and spend the weekend together. What advice can you offer a concerned mom who doesn't want to push her son away, but is consumed with worry? </p> </span><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><p style="font-weight: bold;">Concerned Mom</p></span></div><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"> <p><b>Dear Concerned Mom,</b></p> <p>You're not going to stop him from meeting her. And he's not going to listen to me either. He's an adult. He's going to meet her. So, accept it. When he does meet her, he's either he's going to fall deeper in love with this woman (assuming she's actually a woman and not a man) or he's going to be totally disappointed and deflated. Once you can accept that he's going to meet her, stress safety. Insist they meet on his own turf. This way she can have a place to stay (at a hotel) and he can go home if it's not feeling comfortable. It's also safer if he's near familiar people — friends and family. Encourage him to do a background check (offer to pay for it) to verify what she says about herself is true. Tell him to assume that it's true, but he should check just to be safe. See if you can meet her too (invite her over for dinner). The fact that he feels comfortable enough to include you in this part of his life says a lot. Once he communicates that you're so welcoming, this girl will freak out because she's a fake or meet you and let you be the judge. If you still can't get through to him, have a relative or someone he trusts talk some sense into him. Make it about safety. Meeting in a strange place isn't smart or safe. </p></span>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-69136731849266964482010-12-15T20:03:00.000-08:002010-12-15T20:18:18.545-08:00SKINNY ROOMMATES WANTS BIG ROOMMATE TO STAY OFF HER COZY COUCH<style>@font-face { font-family: "Arial"; }@font-face { font-family: "Times"; }@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 11pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }p { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">Dear Harlan,</span></b></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I just got a new roommate about a month ago. The problem is that she is very overweight and not very active. She has taken to using my couch (we have two living rooms, one with her furniture and one with mine) to read and talk on the phone. This would not be an issue at all, except that my couch is down-filled and not sturdy enough to hold up to her excess weight. It's ruining the cushions right where she sits. My sofa is decent and does not otherwise need to be replaced, nor do I have the money to buy another one. Her sofa is sturdier construction, but she doesn't use it. I also gave her a "deal" on the rent; so it's not like she's paying enough to cover a sofa replacement. How can I resolve this issue? I don't want to hurt her or ruin a relationship.</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Sofa Situation</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">Dear Sofa Situation,</span></b></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I imagine your couch's cozy down cushions shape nicely to your roommate's buttocks? Down is cozy. I understand why she likes your couch. The answer might be having her fluff after she sits and regularly rotating cushions (model this for her after you get up). If the fluffing doesn't work — move the sofas. Tell her you read it's a good idea to rotate cushions and sofas. If she follows the fluffy sofa into the other room, then let it go. There's no kind way to tell her that her weight is ruining the sofa. Besides, sofas don't come with a weight limit on them. If you find that your cushions are getting crushed, you might need to replace the cushions instead of your roommate. Talk to a sofa salesperson and investigate. But say the wrong thing, and living with her will be far more uncomfortable than a couch could ever be. </span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-69113475501185301672010-12-14T20:19:00.001-08:002010-12-14T20:19:49.254-08:00Future Grandma-In-Law Talks Too Much Trash For Future Granddaughter-In-Law<style>@font-face { font-family: "Arial"; }@font-face { font-family: "Times"; }@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 11pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }p { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; </style> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"></span><b style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">Dear Harlan,</span></b></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I'm 21, recently engaged, and things are great — except for my fiance's grandmother. She tries to tell him how to live every aspect of his life, and she has recently begun to do the same to me. She wants to do my laundry, tells me what to wear, how to cut my hair and even that I need to lose weight. She even tells me that I'm crazy for wanting to marry her grandson. How do I deal with her without hurting his feelings or hers?</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Granddaugther-in-law to be</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">Dear Granddaughter-in-law,</span></b></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I see the Facebook and Twitter feed right now — "Stuff my GIL says" (GIL stands for grandma-in-law). Like all patriarchs and matriarchs who no longer care what other people think, GILs can be as insightful as they can be offensive. The trick is to find the gold in her trash-talking. There's nothing wrong with listening to her rants, but this doesn't mean doing what she wants. There's a difference between listening and doing whatever you and your fiance want. While listening, consider digging deeper at times when she offers gold. For example, when she tells you that you're crazy for wanting to marry her grandson, ask her why she thinks you're crazy. She might know something you don't know. But when she says to lose weight, buy clothes and do the laundry, tell her thank you and then do whatever you want. If you're happy and your fiance is happy, then there's no reason to make her happy. It's not like you're marrying her. Give her permission to be an outspoken GIL and make a commitment with your man to </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">live a life that works for you both — not her.</span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-56912944271958830892010-12-12T19:59:00.000-08:002010-12-12T20:00:34.346-08:00Abandoning Dream To Follow Guy is Nightmare<style>@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 11pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dear Harlan,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style=""></span><span style=""><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style=""></span>I have been dating a boy for about seven months, and we are very much in love. We make plans for “forever” as if it’s a restaurant to go to on Thursday. The only issue is that he is a year older than me. He is going to college a half-hour from where we live. I, however, have always dreamed of going far away, to Oregon or Washington. My boyfriend says he wants to go with me. I was perfectly OK with us going together provided we both get accepted into the college together, until one of my friends stepped in and began to try to talk me out of it, saying I would regret it. What do you think about this? Have you heard of this working, or is it better to just leave my life and love behind and start over new?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style=""> </span><span style=""> <span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Confused HS Senior</span><span style=""></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><br /><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style=""></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style=""></span><span style=""></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dear Confused HS Senior,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style=""><br /><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style=""></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style=""></span><span style=""> </span>If I ran a “WORST IDEA OF THE YEAR” contest, this idea could make the final round. Here’s how I see it: College takes up about nine months of the year -- with breaks, eight months. Figure that you’ll see each other at least once every eight weeks or so (book cheap flights early). Then you have cell phones (free cell-to-cell minutes), the Internet, video chats and text messaging (use them all in moderation). You have your ENTIRE life to live with him and be close to someone. Being apart might be scary and uncomfortable, but learning how to get comfortable with the uncomfortable is more valuable than any degree. There’s always the risk that one or both of you will find someone else, but love can endure. Having a life away from him and still wanting to be with him is the ultimate testament. But that’s just one more opinion. The decision is up to you, but I’m with your friend on this one.</span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-80490535752211712682010-12-09T19:36:00.001-08:002010-12-10T08:34:30.654-08:00Parents Freak Out After Spotting Roommate’s Drug Paraphernalia<style>@font-face { font-family: "Arial"; }@font-face { font-family: "Times"; }@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 11pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }p { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Arial;">Dear Harlan, </span></b></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">My parents recently visited me on campus. When my parents came into my room, they noticed something on my roommate's desk. My roommate left her smoking device on her desk in plain sight. My family is freaking out that I'm living with someone who smokes pot. They don't approve of drugs and are worried that this will influence me. What should I do about this? </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Fuming</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Arial;">Dear Fuming,</span></b></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Tell your parents that your roommate also has sex with strangers and drinks. But you're not going to sleep around and drink just because she does it. That should comfort them — no, I'm not at all serious. Here's my problem — there's a chance that people will think this is yours. Even if it's not, some of these people might have the power to write you up, report you or even have you arrested. So, from a legal point of view, it's a bad idea to have drugs or drug paraphernalia in your room. And that's the way to approach her. Pick a sober moment and talk to her. Let her know what happened and that it makes you uncomfortable to be in a room with drug paraphernalia (or drugs). Ask her to hide her drug paraphernalia and to keep the drugs out of the room (in case there are drugs in the room). If she can't respect this rule (or the law) — get out of that room. I know this might sound like an over-the-top response, but a student who gets convicted of a crime involving drugs can not only be expelled, but can become ineligible for federal student aid. And if a student has received federal money, he or she can be asked to pay it back. So while it might seem harmless and funny, it has the potential to be a big unfunny situation. </span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-57809983022355113112010-12-08T19:58:00.001-08:002010-12-08T19:58:32.774-08:00Dating People In Power Is Sexy, But Too Dangerous<style>@font-face { font-family: "Arial"; }@font-face { font-family: "Times"; }@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 11pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }p { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"></span><b style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">Dear Harlan,</span></b></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I'm a freshman living in the dorms this year. I've got a huge crush on my resident assistant. It's not even a crush of convenience — I hang out with him every day, and as cheesy as it sounds, he's literally different from any guy I've ever met in my life. But I know it's not very smart to date your R.A., for obvious reasons. What advice would you give for this dilemma?</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Adult Crush</span></p><p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">Dear Adult Crush,</span></b></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As a rule — someone who can write you up is never allowed to feel you up. Yes, he's different. He's different because you've never met a guy who lives a few doors down in a position of power. Hot guy plus power plus living next door plus no curfew equals hot fantasy and intense emotions. All this said, until he's not in a position of power, don't date him. Look at it like this: If you like this guy, why would you put him in a position where he could get fired? Should you date this guy, he could end up losing his job. And if room and board is a perk of the position, this means he might be forced to move home. Then he won't be down the hall, down the street or in the state. I don't doubt your attraction. I don't doubt he's different, but make sure it's not illegal or against the rules. Besides, if you become a couple and break up, your ex-boyfriend will be your R.A. living down the hall. See the problem now? </span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-63503305448501278642010-12-07T11:37:00.000-08:002010-12-07T11:38:51.771-08:00Struggling Student's Sexual Orientation Is Making Him Sick<style>@font-face { font-family: "Arial"; }@font-face { font-family: "Times"; }@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 11pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }p { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"> <style>@font-face { font-family: "Arial"; }@font-face { font-family: "Times"; }@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 11pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }p { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> </p><p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></b><span style="font-family: Arial;"></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-weight: bold;">Hey Harlan,</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">So, I recently started to experiment with the same sex. Afterward, I always become ill (such as nausea, vomiting, etc.). But for some reason, I keep going back to this experimental side of things. Now I have met a guy who is pretty nice. We have been hanging out, and things have been going well. After one night we spent together, the next day I felt horrible. I felt guilty and ashamed and several times during the course of the day I started to become horribly upset. I would start to cry when I was alone and thought about the previous night's events. I have talked to him about it, and he said that I just need to find myself. I am not sure what to do. I was wondering if you can help me. It would be greatly appreciated!</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Searching For Me</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">Dear Searching,</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial;"></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Instead of guilt, shame, sickness or sadness, feel an intense sense of pride. Smile. You're figuring it out. It can be frightening to be authentic. Appreciate that when it comes to sexual orientation, we live in two worlds. One is a world where people will judge you based on your sexual orientation, and the other is a place where people will love and accept you regardless of who you love. Seek out the people living in a world who will love and respect you. But it all starts with you. It's hard to feel good about yourself when your best friend (you) is so judgmental and unforgiving.Stop judging yourself. Accept who you are. Work to love yourself unconditionally. This means taking a break from dating or experimenting with anyone until you can love yourself. As you continue your self-exploration, turn to adults who have been down a similar path. Find a therapist to guide you. Look to online resources like www.pflag.org (this can point you in the direction to get help). Forget labels. Focus on working on accepting and loving yourself. Only then will you be emotionally equipped to share your life with another man or woman and have the courage and confidence to live an authentic life in both worlds. Now that's happiness.</span></p> <p></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-69283678919927239712010-12-02T20:28:00.000-08:002010-12-02T20:30:04.345-08:00Living With Boyfriend Isn't Always Best Idea<style>@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 11pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p style="font-weight: bold; font-family: lucida grande;" class="MsoNormal">Dear Harlan, </p> <p style="font-family: lucida grande;" class="MsoNormal">How do you break up with your boyfriend who happens to be your roommate? </p> <p style="font-weight: bold; text-align: right; font-family: lucida grande;" class="MsoNormal">Verge of Breaking</p> <p style="font-family: lucida grande;" class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p style="font-weight: bold; font-family: lucida grande;" class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p style="font-weight: bold; font-family: lucida grande;" class="MsoNormal">Dear Verge of Breaking, </p> <p style="font-family: lucida grande;" class="MsoNormal">This is why living with your boyfriend rarely is a good idea. It’s so much more complicated to break free. My guess is that this relationship probably should have ended a long time ago, and you’ve either met someone else or realized this has become too toxic. Whatever the reason, congrats for not just letting this go because it’s too hard to move out (something a lot of couples do and why living with your significant other rarely is a good idea). To answer this question, you need to have options. Figure out where you’ll live should he freak out or want you out. Have a friend you can stay with (not another boyfriend). Consider getting someone to sublet your place. If you can’t move out, then make sure there’s a couch or an inflatable mattress (they are pretty cheap) that you can crash on until you can escape this living situation. Once you have a plan in place, then you can be totally honest with him and do what you probably should have done a long time ago. </p> <style>@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 11pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-84157977992118335722010-12-01T22:40:00.001-08:002010-12-01T22:41:03.336-08:00College Love Triangle<style>@font-face { font-family: "Arial"; }@font-face { font-family: "Times"; }@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 11pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }p { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Arial;">Dear Harlan, </span></b></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">So I'm in a bit of a love triangle. My best friend and I have a crush on the same guy, but only I've admitted to it. She says she doesn't like him and that he's mine for the taking, but I know she doesn't really want that. I also know for a fact that the guy has similar feelings for me. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to do anything to screw up any friendship since we're all part of a tight-knit group. It's getting harder and harder to resist the feelings, and I don't want to give up the chance of something happening, but I don't know how long I can take it. But what can I do when the guy holds the reins?</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Out of my Hands</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Arial;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><b style=""><span style="font-family:Arial;">Dear Out of my Hands, </span></b></p> <p style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-family:Arial;">She said she doesn't want him, right? For all you know, she's really a lesbian and is deeply in love with you. Now, that's what you call a love triangle. What you're describing is just the illusion of a love triangle. If you want to make sure she's being honest with you, talk about it in the clearest terms again. Tell her how you feel about this guy. Tell her that you think she's not telling you the truth. Explain that if she has feelings you're not going to date this guy because your friendship with her means everything. If she's cool with you dating him, talk about it with the guy to see if he's into you. The chances are, you'll date him for a little while, break up and then your friend will end up dating him (or you), and getting married. Now, this really is a love triangle.</span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-73741520435194339602010-09-12T21:31:00.001-07:002010-09-12T21:31:50.863-07:00Mom Needs Help! Caucasian Son Has Three African American Roommates<p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Harlan,</b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">My son is going away to college this fall. He just got his roommate assignment. He is a blond-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian boy from New York, and has not really had much contact with African-Americans. Well, all three of his roommates are African-Americans. He is very uncomfortable with this. The school is in the South, but even when we went to the orientation, it was primarily Caucasian. Why would the college do this? It seemed as if the school wanted the students to feel comfortable, and it seemed as if it wanted to make the first-year transition as easy as possible. My son said he would have no problem if it were two and two, but the three-to-one has him feeling very awkward. Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation? </span></p> <p style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Cheryl</span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Cheryl,</b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Tell him that one of these African-American roommates might just be our nation's future president. The only thing your son doesn't have in common with his roommates is the color of his skin. Your son can find plenty of white friends outside his dorm room. If anything, this could be a way for him to connect with people he might not otherwise meet. As for the school, it might not look at matching skin color when matching roommates. Until there's a real situation, there shouldn't be a problem. </span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-17154545929331332362010-07-12T09:27:00.000-07:002010-07-12T09:29:42.172-07:00No, Harlan, Porn Isn't OK<p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Harlan, </b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">I happened to glance through the "Help Me, Harlan" section of the paper, and was appalled when I read your response to "Confused and Hurt's" letter. Contrary to your comment, there is nothing "loving, monogamous or adoring" about men who allow pornography to enter into their marriage. Marriage is between one man and one woman — not one man and multiple women. Our society has normalized all this to ward off the guilt associated with it, and then we wonder why so many marriages are failing. From both personal experience and documented research, the most important thing to most men is respect. There is nothing to respect in a man that lacks the self-control and selfishly indulges himself in self-destructive behavior that hurts both his wife and, without realizing it, himself. Don't contribute to an already self-destructive society that is fueling destructive marriage. </span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Kristy</span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Kristy, </b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Thanks for the note. Sorry to appall you. Some people think marriage is between a man and woman. Some people think it's between a man and a man or a woman and a woman. When it comes to porn in marriage, I believe it's a couple's personal choice. What breaks up marriage is contempt, a lack of communication and unforeseen circumstances. Not porn. </span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-85421453651072569972010-07-12T09:19:00.001-07:002010-07-12T09:19:39.035-07:00Failing College Student Has One Fear: His Parents<p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Harlan,</b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">I don't even know where to begin. I recently had a very bad semester at the close of my sophomore year. I made some bad decisions. I didn't always go to class because the classes were, for the most part, online. I fell behind and couldn't recover. When I got my grades, I prayed I would only be on probation and have an opportunity to retake the classes and set things right. But instead I found out that I had been academically disqualified from the university. I'm very active in student groups, and even though I may have to attend a semester at a community college so I can then transfer back into the school I love, I really want that to be my last resort. I have the chance to appeal, but I don't think what I told you would persuade them to let me have another shot. The other side of the coin is that if/when this becomes final after I try to appeal, how do I tell my parents? That actually scares me more than anything. I come from a high-achieving family with three siblings who have all completed college and earned degrees. I'm really at the end of my wits racking my brain trying to figure out a solution. I'm at a loss. </span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Hanging by a Thread</span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Hanging by a Thread,</b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Here's what you should NOT do: Hide, run, get angry, make excuses, feel ashamed, feel stupid, be embarrassed and be afraid. What you should do: Admit you made a mistake, apologize, face this and commit to making changes. Understand that the people reading your appeal want you to succeed. "When I read an appeal, I recognize that everyone's story is unique. Empathy is necessity when working with students who are struggling," said Eric Stoller, academic adviser and web coordinator at Oregon State University. Turn to the people who can help you — campus officials, professors and even your parents. If you don't win the appeal, make a personal appeal. And consider involving your parents. Yes, they will be surprised, but once they see that you are taking responsibility, they will help you. You WILL get through this, and over time, you will see it as a gift in the future. </span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-11912769716373352472010-06-28T11:01:00.000-07:002010-06-28T11:02:37.437-07:00Half-Jewish Ex Is Full Of Questions Following Breakup<p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" ><b>Dear Harlan,</b></span></p> <p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" >I've been rejected by the same guy for a second time. The first time it was because he said he felt like he wanted more. He then went on to date someone else for a couple months. As of a few weeks ago, things started to develop between us again. We actually started seeing each other for a couple weeks. I was happier than ever, especially because I had a gut feeling that things were not resolved the first time around. Then, after a very romantic night, he ended things again. Basically, his reason was that if he was going to continue being this physical with a girl, it would have to be mean something. OUCH. To top it off, he makes things super awkward in class. We have insane chemistry and every other thing in common. Mind you, this IS the sweet, smart, slightly geeky guy who is supposed to come after dating the jerks! The only reasons I can think of to account for his decision are that he is graduating, while I have another year. Or, he still is a virgin and has never gotten as physical with a girl as he has with me, so maybe it was too fast. Lastly, he is Jewish and I am only half-Jewish. Are any of these valid explanations for why he ended things when I know that we would honestly be a great couple?</span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" >Still Looking for Answers</span></p> <p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" ><b>Dear Looking for Answers,</b></span></p> <p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" >You might be half-Jewish, but he's 100 percent full of (fill in the blank). I don't know why he's doing this to you for a second time. All you can do is give him permission to share the truth, even if the truth might hurt your feelings. Tell him you want to understand what went wrong, even if it hurts, so you can avoid getting into a similar situation again. If he's not interested in sharing the truth, assume you're too honest, too beautiful and too desirable to sit around waiting for him to realize his mistake. In dating, it's two strikes and he's out (three strikes is for baseball).</span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-78198779948961689132010-06-02T07:56:00.001-07:002010-06-02T07:59:05.667-07:00New Boyfriend Is Used To Having Sex, She's Not<p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Harlan,</b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">I started a new relationship with someone who is used to having sex. I, on the other hand, want to hold off. I'm not sure how long I should expect him to hold off on having sex if he's used to it in a relationship. What's the average time a man will wait to have sex?</span></p> <p style="text-align: right; font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Dating Someone New</span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Dating Someone New,</b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">It all depends how much a man likes a woman. If he's just looking to use her and have sex with her, he won't wait long. If he's looking to build a relationship that can lead to something monogamous and long-term, he will wait as long as it takes for his partner to be completely comfortable. Time is a good thing. There's no rush. You'll learn a lot. You'll really get to know each other. Anyone who rushes you or doesn't appreciate your feelings is someone who is unworthy of experiencing something so special and important. And really, there are lots of ways to get close physically without having sex with someone. You can be the one to help him see that. The only trick is that he has to stick around long enough for you to help him appreciate the joys of waiting. </span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-67965027576899505202010-06-02T07:51:00.000-07:002010-06-02T07:54:55.240-07:00Innocent Office Flirting Has Wife Feeling Guilty<span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:arial;">Dear Harlan,</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">I am in my 30s and married. I have a manager who is 11 years younger than me and also married. He is very charming and nice to everyone. In the beginning of my employment, this was fine. However, at some point, we developed a relationship that bordered on flirting. It made me nervous. I stopped asking him work questions unless I absolutely had to. Then I felt bad because he's looked sad when I did have to talk to him. I then started talking more to him again, and felt this connection again. So I stopped again. Then, I put a picture of my husband up on my desk. Right away, I notice when I had to talk to him, he looked really sad. A few weeks later, he started paying a lot of attention to another girl. I am just sick of worrying about this. I am tired of the games. How do I get rid of the crush I have on him? I feel sometimes that he is the guy I should really be with. How do I get myself to believe that it's not true, or if it is, how do I find out?</span><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: right;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:85%;" >Conflicted</span><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" >Dear Conflicted,</span><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Having someone flirt with you and you liking it doesn't mean your marriage is doomed or that you should feel conflicted. It means that you need to do some work on yourself and your marriage. Get over him by working to make your marriage better than ever. Get over him by understanding that lots of men will show beautiful women like you attention. Get over him by recognizing that you can like the attention and still be committed to your husband. If you're still conflicted after working on these issues, then there might be a bigger problem. Whatever you do, NEVER turn to the guy at work for answers. He's only going to bring up more questions.</span></span>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-62368500111726809162010-06-02T07:47:00.000-07:002010-06-02T07:49:56.554-07:00Today Show Appearance<object width="400" height="270"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rTZpgcEbCco&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0&border=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rTZpgcEbCco&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="270"></embed></object>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-35025528154184715422010-05-05T18:41:00.000-07:002010-05-05T18:43:20.789-07:00The Transfer Process Can Be Painful, Just Ask Her New New Friends<p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Harlan, </b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">I have plans to transfer to Northern Michigan University next year and have already started the process. I don't like the college I am currently attending and have already told my friends about my transfer. They all are having problems with their relationships and end up adding the fact that I won't be here next year as one more of their problems. How do I deal with this kind of guilt? I love the few friends I have here, but I can't drown in their problems. I have always been there for them, and it's hard enough for me to leave, but I know I'll be happier once I leave this college. I just need to know how to help myself without hurting my closest friends. Any advice would be great.</span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Helping Without Hurting</span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Hurting, </b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">I'll make you a deal: Tell your friends about my column and have them write to me. I'll do my best to get back to them. Then you can focus on taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do to be healthy. In the meantime, give them permission to be sad and miss you while you take care of yourself. Between Facebook, Twitter, cell phones, chatting and visits, you can remain close. While I'm sure they will miss you, the problem might not be you transferring as much as it's having friends who love to talk about their problems. If anything, they should thank you. You transferring has given them a new problem. And that's about the most generous thing you could do for people who love problems.</span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-83389900087526082010-05-05T18:30:00.000-07:002010-05-05T18:31:10.648-07:00Single Girl Thinks All The Good Men Are Either Gay Or Taken<p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Harlan, </b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">For the past two years, every man that I meet and am interested in turns out to be married, gay or both! My friends do not believe me. One time, we were at a parade in our hometown and a nice older gentleman (maybe 15 years older) started flirting with me. The friends approve. We moved to the opposite side of the road (at his request) and had a great time, until he tells me he is gay and married to a woman (just in order to get his trust fund). I asked him why he wanted to hang with me without my friends. He said because I was fun and nonjudgmental. So, here's my question: How do I meet a straight guy who thinks I'm No. 1? I used to pick losers, clean them up and marry them off to my friends.</span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Bad Picker</span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Bad Picker,</b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">The saying "All the good ones are gay or married" is NOT TRUE. I understand what's happening. You go after guys who need help. You approach them because they're approachable (i.e. less likely to reject you). They like the attention. You clean them up. By the time they are desirable, they see you as a friend and go after your friends. Then, you play the victim. When it comes to the gay guys who like you, the gay guys approach you because they aren't worried about getting rejected by you. Maybe you're just too hot for straight guys to approach you? Try this — go after extremely confident guys who don't need to be cleaned up, and don't be surprised when older men at gay pride parades hit on you. When approaching confident men, be assertive and make it clear that you're looking for a date and not a friend. Then see where this takes you. Clearly, you're fun and likable.</span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-25982443372537092842010-04-14T08:51:00.000-07:002010-04-14T08:52:26.108-07:00Dating Recluse Neighbor Is Flirting With Disaster<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Dear Harlan,</span><br /><br />I'm in my second semester at college. I've been advised by upperclassmen and my parents that it's not a good idea to have a relationship or hook up with someone who lives on the same floor of the same dorm as I do. However, I've recently run into a bit of a conundrum. There's a girl on my floor and in one of my classes who I think has a bit of a thing for me, and I have feelings for her, too. Normally, I would try to ignore this, but this girl is extremely reclusive and rarely leaves her room. Moreover, she lives on the other end of the hall. It seems like she could just as easily be in another building. What should I do?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sincerely Concerned</span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dear Sincerely Concerned,</span><br /><br />Know why they say it's not a good idea to date a neighbor down the hall (or down the street)? Since you can't answer this, seeing as this is an advice column, I'll assume you've responded with, "No, Harlan ... why?" It's because the majority of people who date someone down the hall end up breaking up at some point in the future. Sure, there's always a chance you'll date for a while and get married, but most likely, you'll have an ex living down the hall from you. And that can be very uncomfortable for you and all future significant others. As for whether you should date her, that's your call. I would be a little concerned about dating a recluse. I tend to think women who have a life outside of their rooms are more attractive. Given that she doesn't leave her room, she might not have much going on in her life. This can be good if you want a girlfriend with nothing other than you in her life, but it's not good if you want someone who has outside interests and friends. That said, it's almost the end of the semester, so if you do date, and do break up, you might not be living down the hall next semester.Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-27682833071304033122010-04-14T08:39:00.000-07:002010-04-14T08:45:48.351-07:00NAKED minute - Sex on CampusHere's a quick video I shot at the University of North Dakota. If you have questions you'd like me to answer while on the road, feel free to ask your question in the comment field and I'll answer it on the road!!!<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/BMZ85ZNSrN8&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/BMZ85ZNSrN8&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-82940810252922080122010-04-07T12:37:00.000-07:002010-04-07T12:39:40.893-07:00Hungry For Love? Ask A Man To Share a Meal<p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" ><b>Dear Harlan,</b></span></p> <p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" >I met this guy about two days ago and I like him. I've thought about trying to start dating him. I haven't seen him since I met him and I'm afraid that I'm going way too fast. I'm not even sure that he's interested in me. He did ask for my number and give me his, but I don't know. A lot of people ask for numbers these days, right? Even if they just want to be friends. Should I try asking him out now or should I wait until I get to know him better? I'd like to get to know him better in any case, even if it's just as a friend. I just don't know how to ask him to hang out. What's an appropriate way to ask someone that you just met to hang out? Thanks for listening. </span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" >Clueless Crush</span></p> <p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" ><b>Dear Clueless,</b></span></p> <p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" >Do you ever get hungry? I get hungry. We all get hungry. Talk to this guy. See if he's hungry. He might be STARVING to meet you. Tell him that you should get something to eat together some time. It's not a date; it's just a meal. Keep sharing some meals together. Eventually you can go to a movie after dinner. Who knows, there might even be a kiss too. Just don't forget that you live in a world of options — meaning there are lots of guys who will want your number and be hungry to share a meal with you. Don't worry about him liking you. See if you like him. Then decide if you want to eat together again. </span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-29705165737733877442010-04-07T12:36:00.001-07:002010-04-07T12:36:57.347-07:00International Student Worries About Racism In America<p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Harlan,</b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">I am a high-school senior from South Korea, and enjoy your advice very much. I got accepted to Allegheny College in Pennsylvania and plan to go there after my graduation. I haven't been to America in a very long time. I hardly remember anything. If I go there, will I be able to adapt to the new environment? I heard that there still is racism left in some parts of America. How do I deal with that?</span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold; text-align: right; font-style: italic;"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Studying Abroad</span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Hi Studying Abroad,</span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Thanks for the note! Just like you can find ignorant people in South Korea, you can find people like this in Pennsylvania if you look hard enough. But generally, take comfort knowing that most Americans will be more than happy to have you in their communities. Once you arrive on campus, look for the international student groups and organizations. Consider living with other international students (there could be international housing). Also, look for a spiritual center that has a large Korean population.There are Korean communities all over the United States. One trick to find people of any culture — search to see if there's a specialty market or grocery stores that caters toward a particular population. Typically, specialty markets are located in neighborhoods where there are people who shop there and support it. Once you find a market, you can search for a spiritual center. Then you can find some people who can guide you along the experience. Also, look to the program sending you to the States to<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span>find some mentors who have been here and done it. So, the short answer is that I wouldn't anticipate finding too much racism, but you might run into some ignorant people. If you do, please don't let the few ignorant people in the U.S. become a representation of who we are. The majority of us are kind, loving and welcoming people. </span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-50741457581850893882010-03-31T08:35:00.000-07:002010-03-31T08:39:22.038-07:00Boyfriend's Secret Phone Calls With Ex Are BIG Red Flag<p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" ><b>Dear Harlan, </b></span></p> <p style="font-style: italic;"><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" >Last week, I found something I wasn't meant to see. I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been talking inappropriately to one of his female friends. I knew about them talking this way over the phone a while back, but I thought that it was over. Part of me thinks I should forget about it. I've been told that men fall into temptation once in a while. Maybe I should deal with it. I don't want to lose him, but I'm hurt. What do you think I should do?</span></p> <p style="text-align: right; font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" >Caught Up</span></p> <p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" ><b>Dear Caught Up,</b></span></p> <p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" >This is completely disrespectful and wrong. Temptation is not an excuse to talk dirty and be disrespectful. Men in loving, trusting relationships control their urges. This is not about the way to deal with it. Brushing it off means you think you neither deserve to be respected nor deserve a trustworthy partner. It also means that you think being with someone who disrespects you is better than being single. That's not healthy. I'd tell him what I saw. I'd let him know that it made me uncomfortable and hurt my feelings. I'd ask him to stop. If he can't or won't, then that's a big problem. I know you don't want problems, but he needs to understand that you're not going to allow him to disrespect you — that is, unless you don't mind being disrespected.</span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-86665239953867026222010-03-30T10:30:00.001-07:002010-03-30T10:30:59.844-07:00Uncircumsised Man Is Scaring Off The Coeds<p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Harlan, </b></span></p> <p style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">I am a 20-year-old college student at a very large and popular school. I have been having some problems talking to girls because of a certain situation I just can't seem to get out and talk about. You see, I am uncircumcised, and I think girls would be turned off by it immediately. Not to mention that I think I may have phimosis, where the foreskin is too tight. Should I go see a doctor? What should I do about hooking up with girls? Most of the time they don't notice it, but sometime soon I would want a serious relationship, and I'm not sure how to approach the situation at all. </span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Uncircumcised </span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Dear Uncircumcised,</b></span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">Let's start off with foreskin trivia (who doesn't love foreskin trivia?):</span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">If you meet a woman who has seen six naked men in her lifetime, how many of these naked men would have been uncircumcised? Is the answer one, two, three or four? If you guessed two, you would be the winner! </span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, "In 1999, 65.3 percent of all male newborns born in hospitals were circumcised. While the overall percentages of circumcised infants have remained relatively unchanged throughout the past two decades, ranging from a low of 60.7 percent in 1988 to 67.8 percent in 1995, different patterns emerge when these estimates are further examined by race and geographic region." So, being uncircumcised will just make for a conversation. If you're having sex with someone you trust and can talk to, that shouldn't be a problem. As for the phimosis, see a doctor as soon as possible and get a diagnosis. Should this be phimosis, the majority of cases can be treated with a topical cream, but that's for the doctor to determine. If you're not comfortable going to the campus health center, make an appointment with a doctor in the community or go directly to a urologist. </span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;">One more thing, if you should meet a woman who has never seen one naked man, circumcised or not, this means you'll be her first. And this means she'll never know the difference. </span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072766436667497258.post-59575038829348820912010-03-25T09:05:00.001-07:002010-03-25T09:06:37.993-07:00Annoying Girlfriend Can't Win Over Annoyed Friends<p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" ><b>Dear Harlan,</b></span></p> <p style="font-style: italic;"><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" >How do you get your friend to realize that his girlfriend is the most annoying person ever, and that they are not meant to be together? He is dragging all of us down because of her. We can't seem to get it through his head. </span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold; text-align: right;"><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" >Dragging</span></p> <p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" ><b>Dear Dragging,</b></span></p> <p><span style=";font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:85%;" >Sorry man, but you and your friends don't get to pick his girlfriend. Here's something you need to get through your heads — if your friend is happy in a relationship, what kind of annoying and selfish friends are you trying to bust up his happiness? Unless this girl is abusing him, cheating on him or doing something horrible, the fact that she's annoying isn't enough to break them up. If she's that annoying, he'll figure it out. I'm thinking you must be single and your friends must also be single. Single guys don't like it when one of the guys in the group finds himself a girlfriend. It's a no-win for her. Just existing in his life means dragging down the group. Simply being part of his world makes her annoying. How about this — she might think you guys are too selfish to see that they're happy. Give it some time and give him some room to figure out what he wants. One more thing: I wouldn't start calling her names or being rude to her. One day you might fall in love with an annoying girlfriend.</span></p>Help Me, Harlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10624420848751283107noreply@blogger.com1