Dear Harlan,
I recently married the person of my dreams. Every aspect of our relationship seems to be more than perfect, except one very important issue. He looks at porn and has naked pictures of his ex-girlfriends. If I ask him about it, he always tells me the truth - even when he knows that I will be upset. I've been dissatisfied with our intimate relationship for a while, but he keeps telling me it will get better. It never does. I reached my breaking point after walking in on him looking at porn - after not having had sex for a long time. I have been trying to be supportive and help him through this stressful period (he's been looking for a new job and interviewing). I have expressed this to him, but he tells me he's just releasing stress and that it has nothing to do with us or me. I have, of course, had boyfriends who looked at porn before, and it didn't really bother me because they didn't look at it every other day and always preferred to be with me. However, this is not the case with my husband. I'm hurt and unsure what to do.
Wife
Dear Wife,
Speak to the stress - not so much the porn.
At some point of his life, probably before you entered the bedroom, porn became a way for your man to relieve stress. It's NOT about you being attractive or his desire to fantasize about sex with strangers (or exes), it's about escaping reality and coping with stress. Stressing the stress should help you avoid being offended and allow you to speak to the bigger issue: His way of relieving stress is creating stress for you and putting a strain on the relationship. So, talk to him, but avoid making it about only porn and guilt. Make it about the porn in the context as a stress reliever and how it's shutting him off from your intimate relationship. Then focus on ways he can relieve stress without going missing in the bedroom. If he can't curb the porn, he needs to get help. There's therapy, SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous, www.sexaa.org) meetings, and books and workbooks by Patrick Carnes. If he wants to stop and can't stop - that's a sign of an addiction.
Hopefully your husband is in a career networking group or professional association he attends regularly. If he is depressed he should see a psychologist or social worker.
ReplyDeleteMarriage counseling will help before worrying about sexual addictions. What milestone does he want to reach before things return to normal? My biggest goal would be my wife losing 50 pounds and me losing 80 pounds. Or twenty pounds each to start.
From the boyfriend's perspective, been there, done that. And you say it's only every other day? I'm prepared to say that if this has been more of an issue since unemployment, it's an escape mechanism and a means of procrastination. Or it may be a guilty pleasure he uses for a reward. Which is not to say you're marriage is still fine.
How can you handle the ex-girlfriends' pictures? Have him write fond (sexual) memories on the back of each picture and put everything away in a lock box for which only you have the key. You have to promise to hold everything in there sacred. Then try to re-enact the memory when he asks for a picture. You must allow him any one picture at any time and the opportunity to sort through them. The last one has to be back in the box by midnight. Be prepared to sacrifice something in return. If he loves you he trusts you, but be prepared to negotiate.
By the way, he should have a few pictures of you in there too. And adding more over time.
Are you comfortable with the idea of viewing soft porn with him? I stumbled onto the fact that the 'Red Shoes Diary' series is available on HULU.COM. You both might enjoy using it to start off an evening in the bedroom.
Find a quiet time to go over any or all of this with him. You only want to know if there is anything you can do. His response will be telling. A soft brush off is probably depression. Harsh words may mean there is a desire he doesn't want to share with you. Ask him about it and keep your expectations low key or you're just adding stress.
And please be kind.
Harlan Cohen from elsewhere