I have been going out with my boyfriend for three years. Five months ago, he asked me to move out of my parents' place and in with him. Even though my family was against this, we are living together now. Not only does he not help at home, he has started hitting me and not letting me come home. He says "Here is not your home, and I can prove it to you by not letting you in, since the apartment is under my name" (but we each pay half for everything). Whenever he hits me, he says it is not only not his fault, it is me who made him hit me. I feel like I don't have a home anymore. I cannot go back to my parents; they don't talk to me. I've lost all my self-esteem. I feel so bad. I have no hope for my future. I am lost. What should I do?
Very Alone
Dear Very Alone, We all make mistakes. He gave you every reason in the world to trust him. Then, when he had you in a vulnerable place, he tightened his abusive grip. He doesn't love you; he loves abusing and controlling you. But your family loves you. They love you so much that they don't know what to do other than shut you out. (They thought that was the best choice.) Tell them that you made a mistake. Give yourself permission to be wrong. You need people who want to protect you. Even if your parents say, "Told you so," it's better than "You made me hit you, b**ch." Get away from him - now!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Once you leave, he will probably do everything he can to get you back, but it's only so that he can continue to control and abuse you. For additional support, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE. - Harlan
I agree with Harlan.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what your family have said in the past, they DO love you and will look after you when you most need it - trust me I know!
Leave this loser of a boyfriend, get back to the safety of your family, and start a-fresh. And don't let him fool you, he only wants one thing.
All the best
don't do it girl trust me am a guy i know what you're goimg through l;isten to me I can give you some advice
ReplyDeleteso it's like I publish a newspaper but nobody listens to me
ReplyDeletewhat those he want I hope non of this because I got something for his punk ass
ReplyDeletebabe girl taklk to me
ReplyDeleter u from Indiana
ReplyDeleteleave now!!!!...you deserve better...your family will be there for you(i promise)...love yourself...his abuse won't stop...i know this is harsh but, be a strong women...this is NOT what you want...check this out: no one has the right to put their hands on anyone.
ReplyDeletehe will be back...get a restraining order DO NOT return his calls or see him...i know this is hard when you are in the situation but time will pass and you will meet someone who will RESPECT you...so start by respecting yourself.
take care...see out side the box...you WILL meet someone else...AND get yourself some professional help...and most importantly DO NOT blame yourself...it is NO WAY your fault!
They always say that you truly do not know what someone is like until you live with them. Unfortunately you have now discovered this out. As far as your family goes they are just hurt. They are let down that you chose someone else over them. Do not worry though they are family and you need to just talk to them. We all make mistakes and we all hurt our loved ones feelings at one point or another. The best thing you can do is talk to your family let them know how you are feeling. It may take time but they will come along. As far as the boy friend you need to move on. It is okay. You are not the first persone to go through this. Be strong and believe that you will make it through this.
ReplyDeleteVery alone:
ReplyDeleteI have been where you are now. And yes, everytime I found the courage to put my foot down, he swore it would be different. We married, and the relationship was still stormy. We had two children and they heard and saw "domestic" interactions that I am horrified to think of now. I finally divorced him when I was working full-time, taking care of the kids full-time, and he was out sleeping with someone else and spending the money I earned on her. Run, run, run from this relationship. This man is all about control because he is so very insecure. It's not your job to fix him - it's HIS, and he probably will never see that as necessary because he doesn't see anything wrong with his abusive behavior. Your parents love you and will help you through this. Learn from it, and never, ever let a man treat you like this again.
Been there, done that.
stop,
ReplyDeleteno one deservies to be hit.
stay strong./all the woman in the world have back.we promise.
ReplyDeleteI will be blunt, if you dont leave, he will probably kill you. I have a lot of experience with cases of domestic violence, believe me you dont want to be a statistic. Call the hotline, get help and get out!
ReplyDeleteDear Very Alone,
ReplyDeleteNow please get this, I know what this is like.
I did it.
I made mistakes that cost me years of my life with someone like that.
There are a few hallmarks I will give you here, to catch your balance.
If someone tells you anything that starts with a "You are " in the sentence, it is probably abuse.
The mental is more staggering sometimes than the physical.
By the way , to this day I have PTSD(flashbacks of being hit and or abused).
I was reluctant to go back to a difficult home (family..)
So here is what else you can do if you find yourself in that situation.
I called on friends and other relatives, as well as the womens shelters. Many counties..away!
If the shelter in your area does not help you,(Yes I experienced that too)Not all shelters have access to the right funds and or housing..and sometimes when they do ..it is frightening too.(Depending on where they have housing ..so then)..what you do is you look.
You look for a nicer area ,even or especially out of that state ..there is such a thing as a "crash move"(I did this).
This is when you leave the area in a matter of hours..with the help of that shelter this is possible.
Or you can do it on your own too.
They will move your furniture,ect..
If you want some inspiration please know that many of us have gotten away and that you never have to see him again.You do not fix guys like this, they need YEARS OF COUNSELING EVEN IF THEY EVER DO AGREE TO GO, AND THE ONLY TIME THEY DO THAT IS WHEN YOU ARE LEAVING,LEFT,OR THREATEN TO LEAVE.
YOU COME BACK,THEY RENIG ON THE WHOLE IDEA OF COUNSELING VERY SHORTLY AFTER AND BINGO..the cycle starts again..first the nice treatment, then the escalation, then the worst, over and over.
If you experience missing this guy, resist it.It is all too common for the return due to a confusion between separation anxiety (insecurity)and the real quality relationship which you deserve,long for and will have if you can get away from this.
He will hurt you worse each time.
The scars are unbelievable.
I saw a counselor for years.
The thing is you "can't believe he would..."or "never thought he would do this.."
I still seek help for distress.
I am so much better off now and have not only a nice home in the country, but also a new (entirely) network of friends, a new and improved career, I went back to school, I got another car, I cut off ALL and I mean ALL contact with the abuser and have not had to see him for more than 4 years now.(Since the hearing!)
Was it easy..Noooooo.It took a little time but did get better.. lots!
I had 5 PFA(protection from abuse orders)orders against him, because he kept violating them each time, I had to continue them, to keep him away.
I cut off ALL ties with him.
All friendships that even were remotely connected to his network of friends and or affiliations/cut it off.
Because I missed one or two of these people I made the mistake of calling them ("friends")at the holidays and just seeing how they were, only to find that they HAD been in contact with him,even when they said they were not!!!
Don't believe it.
There are alot of nice people out there, and you will find one.Don't make that your first priority, work towards being the healthiest person you can be first.
You did the right thing by reaching out here.
You see all these people on here, they care about you. So do I.
If I can save someone else by telling them my mistakes,at least I can spare you by telling you the truth about what I learned.
I don't know where you stand on this but I would tell you how I actually finally got the guts to leave. Believe it or not it was a minister. That guy talked to me for 3 hours on the phone at his own cost long distance!! He was the minister at my grandmothers church. I might have gone a couple of times, but after that I realized that he was right about everything he said. He wanted to see me get out of there. At the time I did not realize how really bad it was!!!!
Afterwards, I realized my life was in real danger.
And God did provide a way for me..I may not have always been staying at the Ritz Carlton, but I did find a very nice place to go.
Also if there are drugs and or alcohol involved you can multiply the danger by at least 10.
One thing is for sure ..that WONT make it any better!!
I am going to pray for you tonight, yep, since all of this I did get closer to God and Jesus, and I will tell you it has made all the difference in my life and I hope it will in yours too.
You will be thought of in love and prayers.
Sincerely
A Survivor
PS
The first 6 months of leaving are the most dangerous.Do not let yourself be vulnerable during this time especially.
Keep your whereabouts , job and other info as private as possible.
Change cars if possible.This helped me.Keep extra sets of keys in a safe place too.
If you think "he's not that bad" think again, that is what I thought..I was attacked and held down.
He put a gun to the very window of my car at my head, threatened animals that were my pets, chased me on foot,broke in the house I was in over and over, slashed the screens busted the windows,took a crow bar to the door jams,stole my belongings when I went to work,and let threatening letters for me to find about my personal info..stole even my diary!!(The police made him answer for this later..)
I was lucky ..don't put yourself through this.
They go from normal to dangerous in the blink of an eye.