I love my relatives, sometimes. I'm in college to further my education, but my mother seems to think it's to find a husband. My relatives see dating men or having a relationship with a man as a sign of success. They judge how well you're doing by whether or not you have a boyfriend. How antifeminist is that? I don't need a man to be successful! I don't give a shit about men. I'm at college for me, not to find myself a husband and become a housewife. That was not what this woman was made for. It's the 21st century; women are men's equals. We are not their maids. It's wrong to judge a woman like that. I can't say that to my relatives. They will call me a "lesbo" behind my back - or worse, "liberal." So what's a girl to do?
Modern Woman
Your answer to "Modern Woman," the college student who wanted a degree, not a husband, was appalling. You completely missed the point of her legitimate complaint about her relatives' intolerance in order to deliver a diatribe to her about her alleged intolerance of their perspective. She was simply reacting naturally out of anger to the intolerance of her relatives for her career and lifestyle choices. Respect is a two-way street, and it was her relatives who were refusing to respect her choices. Your "advice" should have been directed to her intolerant relatives, not to her. If she is to have respect for their choices then they must respect hers. She should explain to her relatives that this is what she has chosen and that she is proud of her choice and doesn't have to explain that choice to anyone, including them. They don't run her life, and have no right to judge her as they have been doing. Your answer, in essence, blamed the victim and not the ones who refused to grant her the basic, fundamental respect that she is entitled to. For shame.
ReplyDelete"David"
What a girl doesn't do is alienate and ridicule women who don't conform to her definition of a woman. How antifeminist of you.
ReplyDeleteI would think that you'd want to empower all women to live a life that's best for each individual woman - not belittle those who choose a different path. Here's the news: Women are different from men. One big difference: A woman can give life and nurture it with mother's milk. Some women choose to continue to nurture life and make a home where a child can thrive. They make it so that a woman like you can be strong, confident and independent. No, you don't need a man to be successful, but you don't need to alienate all women who want a man in their lives and choose to provide a nurturing, loving, caring home for this life. These women, like your mom, deserve your respect. If you don't respect their choices, don't expect them to respect yours.
What's a girl to do? Say "Thank you for reminding me of the choices I have as a female today. More eggnog, please." (Assuming eggnog is available.)
- Harlan
Hey David,
ReplyDeleteFirst, let me say, I think strong, single and educated women who work outside the home deserve tremendous respect. I also think that being a strong, married and educated woman who works as a full-time mom is something to be proud of. What made me respond so strongly to Modern Woman was her hostility toward the women in her family who choose to be moms and wives. To me, it didn't seem like she respected these chosen roles. Yes, Modern Woman deserves respect, but not all family criticism is disrespectful. To tell her family "You don't run my life and have no right to judge me" is just combative. But calmly and confidently explaining her choices without hostility or loaded words is much more powerful. To do this, she has to remain calm and respect her family's right to not agree with her choices, kind of how I chose to respond to your verbal bashing.
Hey Independent Woman,
ReplyDeleteOprah.
She's only one example of countless other women without children or a husband who live lives filled with passion and meaning.
It's like this: The more comfortable you are with your role in the world, the less other people's suggestions matter (including family). Instead of seeing people who make suggestions as judgmental, you'll see them as wanting to share something that gives them pleasure and that they want you to experience. A lot of married parents are vocal about their experiences. Sure, they might be annoying and inappropriate, but not all are meant to be or are judgmental. Hopefully this letter will help some stop being so annoyingly vocal.
That said, my advice might have been a little harsh this time, but it was honest. And an honest answer is what you'll always get in this forum. I appreciate your letter and all the letters on this topic; they've helped shine a light on an issue that deserves much more time and space in the spotlight.
I recently read your reply to a "modern girl's" annoyance with her relatives telling her to get married and have babies. The girl wanted to get some support from you, but your harsh tone might just have hurt her even more. In my short life (more than 30 years now), I have encountered so many people telling me that I have to get married and must have kids, but no one has ever told me that it is just fine not do to both. I am sorry to say this, but you should realize that those people who want to be mothers almost always tell others they should get married and have babies, while those who choose NOT to be wives and mothers rarely tell other females what they should do.
ReplyDeleteIndependent Woman
i agree.
ReplyDeleteI think its difficult to be terribly objective when you feel that your choices are being attacked. I am in "modern woman's" shoes quite frequently as my choices for my life differ greatly from many of my family members. It took me a long time to step back and look at what the person was TRYING to say as opposed to the words that s/he actually uses - and I stills truggle with this. It would be lovely if her family would embrace her and say "we love that you are going to college, what a wonderful amazing woman you are." But by suggesting that she needs to look for a husband, I suspect that they really just want her to be happy. Quite possibly, her mother and other family members can not imagine being happy without being married with a family. And because they lack this understanding, their word choices reflect that. If "Modern Woman" could translate their words inside of her head to mean "I think you are an amazingly accomplished woman - AND I want you to be happy," - I think that she will be better able to handle their loving comments, instead of their perceived criticism.
ReplyDeleteMy friend married a man who felt that it was a sign of success to get married and have children. she does all the work and he takes all the credit. Use this story for your family and then ignore them. I did the same as you and then guess what? My very last term of college I met the man of my dreams. I wasnt looking, but there he was. It's a challenge to make sure both your career goals are sucessful, but it's possible.
ReplyDeleteHI Harlan- I am both a feminist and a modern woman-I am all about the sisterhood. I think you are right on target- it's sad when women feel so insecure that they attack other women. Definitely not the actions of a feminist. My mother stayed home with me and I'm so glad she did- but I choose not to have children and am very happy. Some women really don't understand this- but that's ok- I just smile. I would love to be a relationship- but I need someone who is emotionally available. positive and kind. I support other women in their decisions and I hope they support me in mine.
ReplyDeleteTo me, that's what feminism is- the betterment and acceptance of all women, no matter what path they may choose.
Maybe there is some crossed wires.
ReplyDeletePerhaps when they see use the woman plus man equals success equation, it really means that you ARE doing good for yourself.
Last I checked, most people are attracted to personality. Wich does entail that you be successful in what your doing.
chances are a man will find you more attractive if he knows you dont want him for his money.