Date Rape Comes In All Shapes And Forms

Dear Harlan,

This is an important story about my best friend that I wanted to share with others. My best friend and I took a

rape-defense class at the beginning of the year. She later found a great guy to be her boyfriend, or so we thought. Two months into their relationship, they went to a party and she got really drunk — so drunk that she could barely walk. He had to carry her back to the dorm. Instead of bringing her to her room or the common area, he brought her to his room and locked the door. She was uncomfortable, but kept saying to herself, "He won't do anything." But he did. They had not had sex yet. They had not even talked about it yet. She had only had sex one other time, and it was a bad experience. She was conscious enough to ask him to use a condom, but beyond that, she was too shocked to do anything. It was extremely painful and humiliating. He brought her back to her room afterward and acted like nothing had happened. She started experiencing symptoms of

post-traumatic stress disorder. She was obsessed about keeping the door locked, and couldn't sleep. She revealed to me what had happened to her two days after that night. She didn't understand what had happened — that she had been date-raped — but I did. I knew I had to get her professional help immediately so she could understand that it wasn't her fault. I called the emergency mental-health counselor on call that moment, and skipped all my classes the next day to be with her for her checkup and initial counseling. We put a restraining order on the guy, who still hadn't realized what he'd done. All that mattered was making her feel safe. It's been a month and she's still recovering, but I know she's doing much better than she would have been if she had waited to talk to someone. I couldn't have handled it on my own. My point: If you or a friend have ANY doubts as to whether it was rape, seek professional counseling immediately. You can't handle it on your own.

Friend Who's Been There

Dear Friend,

First, thank you for sharing this story. I'm so sorry for your friend's pain. There's no question that she was violated and humiliated in the worst possible way. The only confusing part of the story is that this guy might have thought she was consenting when she said, "Condom." Clearly, she was NOT. But he might not realize how horribly he humiliated and violated her. Then again, he might be completely aware of what he did. A few things I take away: (1) Unless a partner consents with a "YES" while sober, it's not consent. It can be date rape. (2) When a friend is too drunk to speak or walk, only a trusted friend can take care of that friend. (3) Get help if someone has been sexually assaulted. Thanks again for sharing. Your friend is so fortunate to have you in her life. I'm sure this will not be the end of this conversation.