Dear Harlan,
I'm 17, and I have a sexual history that I am not proud of. Guys I date or talk to always ask me how many people I've had sex with, and I refuse to tell them. I didn't even tell the guy I was with for a year. A lot of the time, they get upset because I won't tell them. I don't tell anyone, because I feel that since it is in the past, it can be my secret and nobody needs to know. I'm terrified to tell anyone I want to date, because I'm afraid it will scare him away. Is it lying to not tell your partner how many people you've been with? Will I be able to have a strong relationship without telling anyone?
Ashamed
I find that it helps to be completely honest with the person I'm dating. If you are and they see that you are truly regretful of this history, they should forgive you. If not, you probably don't want to be in a relationship with them anyway.
ReplyDeleteIf you absolutely don't want to tell anyone, that's your call. It would be best to tell the inquirer that you believe what's in the past should stay in the past, but make it clear that you don't have any STD's, and tell him that only if it is the truth. If you haven't been tested yet, you really should be. It's not that scary, and it's the responsible thing to do.
One last thing. Don't let your past get you down. I have a sexual history that I'm not exactly proud of either, but I know that my sexual past does not dictate the person I am today. The experiences even helped form some of the convictions I have today. You know, learn from your mistakes. Be proud of the person you are today. I wish you the best of luck with future relationships.
I would never ask someone his or her exact number. If someone is a virgin or is very inexperienced (like not a virgin but only had sex once or something) it would matter but only so the partner knows to be careful. Otherwise I don't trust people who ask the exact number. It is very controlling. As long as both people get tested AND use condoms if you care about someone it doesn't matter.
ReplyDeleteIf someone wants to know your "number", that's your cue to RUN AWAY. I mean it.
ReplyDeleteHere is the magor issue I see. Obviously you are becoming intimate with the guys who are asking you how many people you have slept with right? Instead of getting a boyfriend and hitting the sack try, oh I don't know, dating for a while. I know it's a new concept to some of you kids out there but seriously. If you are embarrased by the number of notches on your bed post, stop increasing it. Go get a blood test, then if you come back clean forget your past and get with a guy for a long run BEFORE you hop in the bed.
ReplyDeleteAnd it is good to know the number of people your partner has slept with. It helps protect yourself.
But please think about dating a person for atleast a few months before you have sex with them. If you are 17 and your partner list is so high that it embarasses you obviously you are not dating first.