I'm a 23-year-old woman who just got out of a four-year relationship. I was sexually active with my partner and lost my virginity. My problem is with this new boyfriend I have now. He opened up and revealed that he would prefer a virgin as a girlfriend. The thought stuck with me. When he popped the question asking if I'm still a virgin, I said "yes." I'm afraid that I can't take back what I said about being a virgin, because I know he will leave me after knowing that I lied. I want to keep my relationship with him for the rest of my life because I love him. At this point, I have no intention of telling him the truth because I'm hoping there's no way he'll find out. Is there any way for him to find "that" out when we decide to do "it"? And will there be a way for me to fake it?
Almost a Virgin
This is what a friend told me when I revealed that I was no longer a virgin. If the guy does not have any interest in you anymore because you are not a virgin, then he does not deserve you. I understand that being a virgin is important to a lot of people, but whatever happened with loving someone for who they are? Our society has strayed so far away from loving people as they are even though we praise it, but nonetheless, do not practice it. Always be truthful, even though it hurts because not being true to yourself will only hurt you in the long run.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your immediate question, he could figure it out. A woman's hymen - a thin strand of tissue across the vulva - is broken during intercourse, and yours already is, but that can also happen many other ways. The more likely tip off is that you will know what you are doing.
ReplyDeleteThats not important, though. The question you really should be asking is: what type of guy would bail on a relationship because his partner has had sex before? It's interesting that you didn't mention his sexual status. If he isn't one himself, he needs to drop the boyhood fantasy if he wants an adult relationship with you. If he is, than he needs to appreciate the fact that you value lovemaking enough to wait for a long, serious, loving relationship to give yours up.
Either way, you *should* tell him the truth about your status, whether or not you *have* to. If he feels the same love for you that you hold for him, he will appreciate your reasons for concealing it and remain by your side. It understandable that you don't want to offend him, but loving relationships are founded on truth. If you are actually afraid to share yours with him, then your love may be misplaced. (C) AskAmy
Tell him the truth -- better to come up now than later. I kept my sexual history secret from my now ex-husband. Our sex life never "measured up" if you will, but I couldn't tell him because I supposedly had nothing to compare it to. We divorced 10 years later.
ReplyDeleteokay one of the other anonymous posters is wrong.
ReplyDelete#1 Not all women are born with a hymen
#2 Most women / girls actually have theirs stretch or tear before ever having sex.
#3 Even a trained gynocologist can not tell whether someone has had sex.
Personally I would still let your boyfriend know. Why some guy would want a virgin is beyond me to understand. Virgins are inexperienced and really have nothing to bring to the sexual table so to speak. The only people I have ever heard say they want a virgin is insecure guys who worry that some other guy would stack up better to them, so they want a girl that has no one else to compare them to.
okay one of the other anonymous posters is wrong.
ReplyDelete#1 Not all women are born with a hymen
#2 Most women / girls actually have theirs stretch or tear before ever having sex.
#3 Even a trained gynocologist can not tell whether someone has had sex.
Personally I would still let your boyfriend know. Why some guy would want a virgin is beyond me to understand. Virgins are inexperienced and really have nothing to bring to the sexual table so to speak. The only people I have ever heard say they want a virgin is insecure guys who worry that some other guy would stack up better to them, so they want a girl that has no one else to compare them to.
Personally speaking - honesty is the best policy. And being able to be with someone for "the rest of your life" is awfully sad if you can't really "be yourself" with him since you aren't who you say you are.
ReplyDeleteChances are pretty good he will still love you (if he does now) but it will probably cause some issues. Regardless, it's better to go into the relationship able to bare your whole self (not just your body). Certainly don't fake it - living a lie isn't worth it.
My apologies for writing again, but I deleted my post due to a minor snafu.
ReplyDeleteJust a small point to consider...
If this guy actually believes that you are a virgin after a 4 year relationship (and at 23), it seems like you two are on completely different wavelengths. That is something to seriously think about...
Also, honesty is the best answer. The "deny till you die" route only asks for problems. You wrote that you thought perhaps he is "the one." I imagine that you probably thought the same of your last boyfriend though. My point is, relationships may or may not work out, and honesty is important in that discovery process.
My apologies for writing again, but I deleted my post due to a minor snafu.
ReplyDeleteJust a small point to consider...
If this guy actually believes that you are a virgin after a 4 year relationship (and at 23), it seems like you two are on completely different wavelengths. That is something to seriously think about...
Also, honesty is the best answer. The "deny till you die" route only asks for problems. You wrote that you thought perhaps he is "the one." I imagine that you probably thought the same of your last boyfriend though. My point is, relationships may or may not work out, and honesty is important in that discovery process.
Lots of guys want virgins so they don't have to worry about diseases and thinking that maybe he is being compared to another guy. I would still adore my boyfriend if he wasn't a virgin, but I'm very glad he is, so then I don't have to worry about hearing stories about him and worrying about if he's got a kid he doesn't know about.
ReplyDeleteThe only people that have the right to require their mate to be virgins MUST be virgins themselves. My Hubby and I where both virgins on our wedding night & have enjoyed learning and growing together sexually.
ReplyDeleteYour guy, if he’s not a virgin needs to get off his high horse.
I would recommend being honest with him, because it will open up freedom for you in the bedroom. Otherwise prepare to pretend "not knowing any better" and have an unfulfilling sex life on your side.. Unless sex is not important to you and as long as he’s pleased in bed, it’s ok.
The best way a guy can tell if your not a virgin is depends on how easily he can enter you. IF he can slide right in with no problems, it might be a red flag. You can be the most aroused virgin and still be "firm".
I'm sure you can goggle up allot of sites that show you how to be a fake virgin, but honestly. Why do all that extra work for something like sex? IF he found you out while making love the first time.. You don’t just have the problem of embarrassment and shame to worry about.. But the fact that your relationship revolved around a lie.. Grounds for divorce and reasons for him to stop trusting anything you say
not trying to scare ya but.. Its true
Faking virginity...alright, if you wanna do it, which I wouldn't: Time that "special" night like right before your period, possibly the first day. Tense the muscles, lie kinda still and act clueless, and fake a lil' pain. Again, only if you want to. I agree that telling the truth after you lied to him will be pretty hard to do, but the guy is expecting a bit much, especially if he's not a virgin himself...
ReplyDeleteI'm a nurse and have worked in gynecology. Most women who have played sports have already broken their hymens. Plenty of girls who have never had sex have no hymen, and a gynecologist can't tell by examining you whether or not you've had sex.
ReplyDeleteIf you think this is the guy, though, it's really better to have no secrets this big.