I'm 28 years old, and I've been going out with a very nice man for about four months. I've never had a relationship, and I'm having a really hard time having one with him. I've already lied about my past experience with dating and sex because I can't bring myself to tell him what a novice I am at such an age. Most of my life I've been very isolated, with few friends and not many opportunities for meeting people. The man I'm dating is very patient with me and wants to get to know me, but I don't think he's going to want to crawl along at such a snail's pace without knowing any real reason why. I know I don't want to be on my own forever, but I feel like I don't know how to be any other way. I don't know how I ended up being this way.
Seeking Experience
If we were dating and you told me you hadn't dated a lot, I'd think that I'd found something the other guys had missed. Some of the most attractive women are some of the least-approached. If you told me you'd spent a lot of time alone, I'd think you were independent, introspective and careful about who gets to share your valuable time - all intriguing qualities. If you told me you were inexperienced with sex, I'd think that any physical intimacy we shared was that much more special because it's not something everyone experiences with you. I'd also not worry about making mistakes, because you wouldn't know any better. While you don't need to get into the lonely details of your solitary life, you can mention that you are not all that experienced with all this. It's not so terrible. In fact, for the right partner, it makes you that much more attractive.
ReplyDelete- Harlan
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its not healthy to lie in any relationship at all this is a really big problem with lots of women either they dont want men to know anything because they think it will hurt the man but really all men want is the truth..honestly i would love some woman that had no experience thats alsome...so just explain to him and if he doesnt want it than it wasnt meant to be...
ReplyDeleteHey, you sound like someone i know so here is the advice i have for you, the same they got.....not every person in the world is meant to be beautiful or perfect or fall madly in love or be rich but you have to realize this is all the time you have, don't waste it. If you have a problem telling someone something it might mean that it's not meant to be told. With all the time spent worrying about it, think of all the things you could have done instead. It may seem irrational but sometimes you just have to ignore yourself and get on with your life.
ReplyDeleteAs a reformed "recluse" I can definitely empathize with your situation. Its hard to open yourself up to someone, especially when you're a sensitive person (as I am). It sounds like you're afraid of being judged. Lying about your past just to fit into the mold of what you think a woman your age should be like may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but now I'm sure you're feeling discomfort with it. If you really like this guy & he is really nice then be honest. That is the only way he'll get to know the real you. Its the only way you'll feel truly loved as well. Even if things do work out as is, won't you always feel as if his feelings aren't for the real you, but the version of you that you created? It may not work out between the two of you, but thats OK. As long as you try to be more open you'll find someone who really appreciates the actual you. Take a chance!
ReplyDeleteI want to discuss something different than what the other comments have addressed.
ReplyDeleteHaving less experience understandably makes someone at least a little bit timid. But to say that it is "crawl(ing) at a snail's pace" seems a bit excessive.
If you are with someone that you care about, and have been with for a little while, you should feel comfortable with them and feel more sexually "open" (poor choice of words perhaps), as well as emotionally open. A "snail's pace" seems to suggest that maybe you don't feel entirely at that comfort level. And comfort is much more complicated than just experience.
It does get a bit complicated. But try and really consider what the key issue is. Do you feel comfortable with this person? How comfortable? Is it sexual barriers getting in the way? Intimacy barriers? Hang-ups? Just not knowing how to act?
Something to remember is that even people who have a lot of experience...they may not feel comfortable with their partner - but, sure, they still do them. And a lot of folks get immediately emotionally attached to others. And neither of these are particularly right. Don't get down on yourself. Relationships and life are not simple.
If you are thinking about honesty, just think about why you are acting this way in this relationship. It's not just about you, but it's about you, this other person, and the relationship.
If you still are really confused, just play out things for a bit longer. If he cares, he will stick around. And while you may or may not have that comfort level with him, you'll at least learn something about yourself, and about what you want.
Best of luck,
D.
Love you need to STOP worrying what people think of you and start to feel really proud of what you've got. Just because you haven't slept around and haven't had LOADS of boyf so what!! it means your pure and at least you won't have any sti's. your a lucky girl to have found someone who wants to get to know u instead of wanting to get to know your pants! forget about all those worrys and be happy your PURE!! :-) XXX GOOD LUCK
ReplyDeleteI once inflated my previous sexual experience to make myself seem more daring, and it totally backfired. Because I got very close to my bf, I started to find myself sexually attracted to him, and them became terrified he would be able to tell how inexperienced I was. I didn't want to admit the truth, and ended up breaking up with him in order to avoid the truth.
ReplyDeleteCome clean. Tell him you were afraid before, and that your relationship with him has enabled you to come to terms with those fears and tell him the truth. Better to continue as you mean to go on, whatever the outcome.
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