Helpful Friend Needs Help

Dear Harlan,

So, there's a great guy who is always there for everyone. He's funny, intelligent and always helps others. Yet he is so messed up. The other night, someone noticed that there was a burn mark on his hand. When asked, he said he put a cigarette out in his hand. This guy is everything to everybody. He takes time to figure out everyone's problems but his own. At least that's how I see it. And it drives me nuts! He lives to be in relationships. He lives inside his head. He doesn't want to deal with it, and now it's affecting me. When confronted with it, he brushes it off, saying he's fine or that "it's all good." I think he's too proud to admit his faults. Recently, he is struggling to cope with a friend's suicide. He has no family connections. Everyone has problems to deal with, but when those things start affecting others, do I have a right to step in?

Helpful Helpless Friend

Dear Helpful Helpless,

The dude is burning himself to cover up the pain — nothing is "all good" or even partially good about this. The lack of family, the friend's suicide, his masking his own emotions with everyone else's problems — it's all toxic. Since he's so good at helping other people, help him look at himself from a distance. Ask him what he would do if he knew someone was in deep pain and that person didn't want to get help. Have him see himself through your eyes. If he refuses to get help, ask him what needs to happen for him to get help. Find a support group and offer to go with him the first couple of times. But make it clear that unless he gets help, you can't be close to him — it's just not healthy for you to be around him. And be sure to connect him with a crisis hotline, just in case. Here's one: 1-800-SUICIDE (hopeline.com).