Dear Harlan,
I don't make it a habit of writing to advice columnists, but after reading your advice to "Undecided," I just couldn't contain myself! Don't you ever read Dear Abby? Her advice is always MYOB — Mind Your Own Business. Unless Undecided was in the room when the wife had the affair, it is all rumors anyway. Stirring the pot in someone else's marriage benefits no one. I know from what I speak: My best male friend did the same to me. He felt he was an all-knowing god and that it was his "duty" to tell my husband of my long-ago affair with another man. Needless to say, my life was turned upside-down. Without the help of a caring therapist and a husband who understood that an affair is a symptom of other problems in a marriage, I would not be here writing to you — suicide seemed the only viable option at that time. And, of course, I will never ever speak to that friend again. Tell Undecided to butt out of his friend's marriage and concentrate on his relationship with his friend, instead.
Been There, Done That
THE LETTER AND MY RESPONSE FROM UNDECIDED:
ReplyDeleteDear Harlan,
I recently found out that the wife of one of my good friends cheated on him, on more than one occasion and that one affair lasted for quite some time. I really want to let him know what she did to him, but I know if I just come out and tell him, he'll never speak to me again. Our families are good friends, and I'd like to keep it that way — except for his wife — and I wouldn't want to be accused of trying to interfere with someone else's family. I was thinking of sending him an anonymous letter and letting him try to get her to confess. What do you think?
Undecided
Dear Undecided,
The only reason to keep this a secret would be if you were the guy she was cheating with. Keeping it a secret is just one more betrayal. As for the anonymous note, his wife can easily blame the note on an enemy trying to sabotage their marriage. Being a good friend means telling friends the truth, even when the truth could upset them. If the truth causes him to never talk to you again, it's not because he's upset with you — it's because his wife hurt and confused him. One day he'll thank you, if not today, then years down the road. I'd tell.
NOW, back to "REALLY Has Been There's" comment:
ReplyDeleteThanks, but not everyone agrees with us. I've been flooded with mail regarding Undecided. Here's my take on those who think we're wrong: These are people who have been hurt by cheaters or injured in the wake of cheaters. I think a close friend deserves to know the truth — even if the truth is painful to hear. As you can attest, not sharing the truth is one more betrayal. I'm not that kind of friend. Here are some of the replies I've received -- and please feel free to add your thoughts to the mix.
I have never written a letter like this before, but I so sincerely feel that the best friend should NOT tell his friend of his wife's affair. He should talk to the wife and tell her he knows about her behavior and that unless she stops, his friend is sure to find out. A really good friend is hard to come by, and his friend will need him when the friend does find out — and he will. You're wrong in your advice. I always read your column, and you do so much good; I hope you can admit you are wrong on this one. - Faithful Reader
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that not all receivers of the "bad news" shoot the messenger. I felt that my husband was cheating, but he always said that I was dreaming. A friend saw him at the movies with his girlfriend. I was his wife, and we had four children. I appreciated her telling me this, because I knew I wasn't crazy. After all of the years that have past, I think of this woman and thank her (in my mind) for letting me get on with my life. - Thankful
ReplyDeleteYes, a really good friend is hard to come by, but in my world, a really good friend doesn't keep secrets when it comes to cheating. I admit — I could have mentioned approaching the wife first, but that's all I'm comfortable admitting (don't hate me).
ReplyDeleteDear Thankful,
ReplyDeleteAnd, of course, there are countless others who do shoot the messenger. That's why the messenger should deliver the news as sensitively as possible and prepare (make sure you're certain and find support) to take a possible shot, thus reducing the severity of the wound. Yes, acting with integrity has its risks.
As simple as it sounds the truth IS that unless your the OTHER ONE IN THE BED you don't know. Being alone with another person does NOT mean anything inappropriate is going on. GROW UP! You talk about the "truth" as though it is somthing tangable. Get real. If the friend really thinks what they beleive is the "truth" based on ANYTHING other than being in the bed when "IT" happens then who is to say that the FRIEND may not be "all there upstairs" because of their own prejudices?
ReplyDeleteI can't believe the selfishness shown by "Been There, Done That" and "Speaks From Experience.'" Both are more concerned about themselves than the true victim of infidelity...the betrayed spouse.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't the betrayed have a right to know if he/she is being exposed to STD's? Doesn't the betrayed have a right to know if he/she is putting trust in and planning a future with someone who may decide to leave with the other person? Doesn't the betrayed have a right to determine if he/she wants to spend the rest of their lives with someone who is deceitful and capable of leading a double life?
Those so-called friends who decide to "mind their own business" or are in fear of the term "shoot the messenger" are cowards. They are more concerned with their own feelings of discomfort, than speaking out and protecting an innocent victim from a liar and cheater.
I applaud you for your stance on honesty and morality.
I had ONE friend who was honorable enough to come forward and tell me of my husband's affair.
Discovering that the rest of our friends knew but didn't tell me, devastated me even more. I felt they were all in on the secret and I was the stupid, unsuspecting wife.
The best way to tell a friend that his/her spouse is cheating is with true compassion, understanding, and an offer to "be there" should the betrayed need emotional support. Frankly, I found myself more uncomfortable around the "friends" who knew and didn't tell me, than the one who did. I knew she was the one who truly cared about my well-being.
Harlan,
ReplyDeleteThis happened to a good friend of mine. We are both guys and real old friends. It was twenty yrs ago. I am now 45.Both of our girlfriends at the time were live-in and neither of us married. My girlfriend told me of the affair going on with my best buddies girl and someone else, confided to her by the cheating girlfriend of my buddy. I told him immediately, as I would have wanted to know, and yes it created a major problem between both girlfriends ( because of the cat getting let out of the bag to me. ) My girlfriend was upset with me for getting her in trouble but understood. The cheating girl hated my guts for opening my big mouth about something I knew nothing about, but I've never met a cheater who didn't try to place the blame elsewhere when caught red handed. It was hurtful to my buddy for a while and he finally gave her the boot. We are still best friends to this day and she is long gone. It was a mess at the time but I would do it all the same way if it ever happened again. I have been in the same situation myself and thankfully someone close to me let me know. Sure it hurts, but no one should have to abide by a cheating partner male or female. I have no respect for those with disrespect for others when it comes to cheating. Its a pain that's indescribable unless you have been there, and I wish there was a law against it!
After reading your articles about should one tell or not about an affair, I had to write.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I trusted my husband to much to ever assume he ws cheating on me. By the time I found out, much of his time and emotions were invested in the affair. Had I found out sooner, we may have been able to work through it quicker and end the affair. Since I didn't find out until much later, it was harder to fix and to end.
TELL!! is my advice..even if you take the coward's way out and write it in a letter, anoumously, TELL.
I would have liked to know sooner and there were people who could have told me, so know I don;t think much of them because they hid something that I needed to know.
So sad that your life was turned upside down. YOU ARE LUCKY YOU DIDN'T GET YOU ASS TOSSED OUT OF THE HOUSE. Seems there is a level of retardation that feel the betrayed spouse should find out "in time". it is the DUTY of friends and neighbors to share valid information of a cheating spouse. If you don't like being caught, keep your pants on and your legs closed. Cheater deserve everything they get. To bad stoning, as the bible suggests, isn't legal.
ReplyDeleteDear Harlan,
ReplyDeleteI actually wrote to you a while ago after I found out that my boyfriend of two years had been cheating on me since month three. I don't think that I will ever understand the "don't tell" response, especially in a world where STDs are an increasingly prevalent concern. Because I thought that I was in a monogamous relationship, we didn't always use protection. He had never had a comprehensive sex-ed course and had no idea what he was at risk for contracting. Even something as simple as HPV can render a woman unable to have children, and genital warts can be spread through skin-to-skin contact, no penetration needed! Gonorrhea is increasingly becoming resistant to anti-biotics and there is the ever-present threat of HIV/ AIDS. If my friend hadn't told me about my boyfriend's infidelity, I wouldn't have gotten myself re-tested for STDs. I'm so glad that she told me! I thanked her over and over, and yes, we are still close. I know that I can trust HER; it was my BOYFRIEND who betrayed my trust AND endangered my health. Why people seem to think that an affair only emotionally affects their partner, I will NEVER understand. Your advice was right on target!
What if you are asked directly by the non-cheating spouse? I am in a position where my best friend had an affair which she fully admitted to me (because she got caught) and told me that she was going to tell her husband. However, her tune has changed and I believe that she intends to keep it a secret. Her husband is realizing that things aren't adding up, and called me in desperation, asking me if there was anything he should know. I didn't know what to do so I told him that he just needed to talk to his wife. I didn't implicate her but I also didn't deny it. I was hoping that by not denying it, he would figure out the truth. Now I feel absolutely terrible because he is in such misery not knowing. He was reaching out for help and now I feel like I was protecting the adulterer.
ReplyDeleteI think I see the kicker here. "Been There, Done That" was outed about an affair that had happened years earlier and was long over. Everyone else is talking about informing a spouse about current, ongoing affairs that expose him/her to doubt, disease and ridicule.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the "tell" camp; I would want to know, but BTDT's seems to feel that her friend resurrected problems that were already dead.
Confused
ReplyDeleteMy husband is leading a double life goes to work and takes his ring off and tells people he is single. Then comes home to me like the best huband in the world. I wish someone at his work would of told me this years ago. do tell may help if in time.
Powell OH
Perhaps the husband already knows, and has already worked things out with his wife. Perhaps he wishes to keep marital issues where they belong: between the married folks. We all think we what's best for our friends and for others, but the truth of the matter is that we're not there, we're not them, and we will never understand. Let the marriage and the marrieds be.
ReplyDeleteFinally, an advice columnist who choses to give the betrayed spouse a chance. What you don't know can hurt you, I know, because I wasted years in a 25 year marriage with a spouse who ridiculed my questions about his growing emotional distance. A good friend was KIND enough to tell me they'd seen him at dinner with a young co-worker. In the end, after a two year separation, divorce negotiations, a home with the mistress, and individual counseling, we are back. Yes,still married, knowing why and how we value this relationship. My husband is deeply thankful for the wake up call the "outing" provided, and I was given the choice anyone deserves to see his deception and move forward in MY life.
ReplyDeleteFriend, do speak now of what is likely true - if its 'nothing' as Mary comments above, that truth will prevail. She sounds defensive..
Don't kid yourselves, emotional affairs are as painful as sexual betrayal, and are always a choice. If your marriage isn't sustaining you, TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE FIRST instead of that attractive 'other'. (And if you are the attractive outsider, remember that poor married person is likely warping the situation to feel better about what they are considering..)
A marriage and family are precious and deserve commitment from two, not one. Of note, my messenger is a dear friend now but was an aquaintance before. It took guts to risk sharing the hard news. Sure my life went into a crash, but for both of us, recognizing our flaws and ending the lies was life reclaimed. Good luck.
Dear Harlan,
ReplyDeleteHelp me, please!!! I was just on myspace and my so-called friend, Tanya, just told me to stop following her around; I'm not her dog and she doesn't really care about my problems. Now I'm almost depressed and I don't feel like I can live with myself. Help!!! Please!!! Should I talk to my parents about this so they can get me counseling or what?
I told my friend a few times about different affairs her boyfriend had. She didn't listen. I took a break from our friendship because I couldn't take it anymore. After a few more years in the "relatioinhsip", they broke up and she finally thanked me for my early warnings and confessed she should have listend to me.
ReplyDelete