Hey Harlan,
I'm wondering if there is something wrong with me because of how I feel about my girlfriend of one year's sexual history. I expected her to have a lower number of sexual partners. I just always thought of sex as being a really special, intimate thing that was not to be done at the drop of a hat. I've never felt before what I feel for her. We've talked about it, but every time we do, it just makes me nauseous. Almost every guy she's been with was someone she was in a steady relationship with, which seemed kind of reassuring at first, but I can't help but feel like I'm just another guy on her list. She told them all she loved them, just like she told me. I'm finding myself less happy in our relationship, but I don't want to break up with her if this is just going to happen to me with every girl I meet (until I meet a virgin who won't date me because of my past, which would be sadly ironic). I actually solicited advice from a local pastor, and he basically said to push the thoughts out of my head when they come up, but that doesn't seem like a rational solution, given the frequency.
Nauseated Boyfriend
When she says she loves you, she might as well add on, "But that could change at any second." It's not the sex that makes you sick; it's the feelings you associate with the physical act. Whenever you're together, it's just a big reminder that she might dump you at the drop of a hat (or other piece of clothing). Making love is just making you more and more uncertain and sick to your stomach. That's understandable. Clear this up and talk to her about why this relationship is different from all her others. You need to know that she loves you and isn't planning to leave you. This is the conversation you need to have. Until then, you're just going to feel vulnerable, turned-off and sick to your stomach. One last suggestion: Get tested for STDs together. There are few things a couple can do for each other that is more loving. - Harlan
ReplyDeleteHey Nauseated:
ReplyDeleteI agree with Harlan, but I'd also like to suggest that you continue the relationship with your girlfriend, omitting sex. I believe that kids today believe that sex is the ultimate expression of the love they feel toward each other. However, as is evident in your girlfriend's past, her expressions of love, played out in having sexual relations, does not equal a committment to each other. It is time to grow up and learn how to have a relationship that is based on mutual enjoyment with each other, discovering the things you have in common, exploring the differences you have in your ideas and experiencing life together. When you both realize and decide this is someone you can trust, someone you want to continue sharing your life with, then get married. The sexual relationship will then be much more meaningful, and you won't have to feel like you are sharing yourself with every other person she (or you) have ever been with.
--old fashioned, but standing the test of time.
I think the guy who asked this question is very insecure. And it's his own fault! His girlfriend might not have really loved all her old boyfriends, or she might have. Some people fall in love more easily than others. Combine that with the fact that love dosen't always last and you get past sexual partners that weren't casual but that didn't last. If he really loves her he won't care about who she loved in the past only whether she loves him now.
ReplyDeletei think nauseated boyfriend may be subconsciously wondering how emotionally healthy his girlfriend is due to her jumping from bed to bed. it starts with values - specifically the value of sex between partners, but goes much deeper than that. it gets to how people relate to each other and how healthy the people are emotionally. nauseated boyfriend has every right to be concerned, but should look a little deeper than just the sex aspect. start looking at her behavior - past and present - and arrive at your own judgements as to her emotional health. i would guess that you will find out that she is not emotionally healthy. i found out - thankfully before rings were exchanged.
ReplyDeleteI have to completely disagree with Harlan. I have my serious doubts whether our friend here has difficulties with the thought of his girlfriend being emotionally intimate with others...because all of us know that this is a reality nowadays.
ReplyDeleteLike one writer suggested, maybe he is worried that his girlfriend has problems confusing emotional and sexual intimacy. And maybe she does...BUT SO DOES EVERYONE. It's not just for highschool girls anymore.
Simply put, no guy likes the thought of some other dude pounding on his girlfriend. Whether it's an issue of ownership, jealousy, intimacy, concerns that she's "fallen" (to use "nice" terms), or just worrying that some chump was better in the sack, you either have to get over it or move on.
As you did write "I don't want to break up with her if this is just going to happen with every girl I meet," clearly you either can't/don't want to deal. So, drop her. The only thing worse than being alone is being with the wrong person because you were afraid of being alone.
wouldnt it be so much easier if people stuck to the no sex before marriage thing... ah well, thats our world i suppose...
ReplyDeleteas the first anonymous said, continue with the relationship, omitting sex... and if the relationship doesnt work, dont go jumpin into bed with the next girl too soon, you should really, really know the person very well before sharing yourself with them in such a manner!
listen to me!
Im Irish!
sex before marriage rocks.
ReplyDeletemaybe she says she "loved" them all to make herself seem less like a slut. She most definitely did not love them all if we are talking multiple partners... she may be trying to absolve herself....And she most likely used the "L" word to justify her promiscuity... if the boyfriend cannot get over her track record, he should walk... and find a girl who was more prude in her early years.... otherwise he will punish his girlfriend for past decisons and she doesn't need that... but she ought to reevaluate the whole story that she loved every one of her past partners... that sounds really unlikely to me...
ReplyDeletedefinitely talk to her about it. seriously. figure out what she really means by "love" and how she connects it with sex and intimacy. i agree, it would be such a better world if we stuck to no premarital sex, but as the world is such... please, talk to her; if you really do care about her - and try to work through these things with a "whole person" perspective. what i mean is, try to step back and see the relationships and her character as a whole - not only in terms of "how many." if you find that you honestly do view sex more seriously than this girl, perhaps you would do better with someone else (or alone for a while). you worry that you will have such hangups about anyone - i think this is somewhat common & normal - but you will be more able to value a person who shares your feelings about this subject, and with whom you feel more secure about your place in their "history." really, to sum up - look at the "Big Picture," and judge from there.
ReplyDelete- celibate for now, by choice
and no sex before message makes a difference HOW?
ReplyDeletei think he's just insecure, with good reason. sex should be a special thing with only a few special people, [whether or not this is with a married partner] and his girlfriend obviously feels otherwise. seemingly he wants to dump her; and should therefore do so, despite what anyone says.
why did you come here in the first place? :P
I love how people like Anon 12:50 can be so judgmental and critical of other people. Referring to a girl as a 'slut' and 'promiscuous' because she is more experienced than her boyfriend is derogatory, sexiest, and ignorant. As someone else noted earlier, some people fall in love faster than others. She may have truly believed that she loved each of her partners. She may have also truly believed that her current boyfriend loved her unconditionally, which is why she told him about her past and confided in him. The fact that he can't handle her being more experienced than him does not make HER a slut; it makes HIM insecure. He sounds like one of my ex-boyfriends who was the same way and couldn't stand the fact that I'd had more sexual partners than him. Fortunately, since I raised my standards and started dating more emotionally mature/confident men, I have not encountered this problem since.
ReplyDeleteIn summary: the writer of the letter has the problem, not his girlfriend. If he dumps her because of this, I just hope for his sake that later on when he realizes what an insecure fool he was, he can somehow find a way to win her back.
If he can't love his girlfriend for who she is and how she got to be the woman he fell in love with, he should get out of the picture and let her find someone who will.
ReplyDeleteWhat an 'efin hypocrit! You want a chick w/ no sexual history, but also has no qualms about puttin' out for you whenever you're horny. You want her to have little or no experience, but be talented at the sex acts you prefer. Have you ever wondered how she got so good at it? It's called practice. It sounds as if you also have a history (long or short doesn't matter) but most likely don't care if it bothers her any.
ReplyDeleteLook, in the history of relationships people above a certain age will always come with a sexual past. Only back in the day, most people just lied about it to save their partners and parents some heartache. Thus presenting a false impression of innocence. Many still do it in modern times.
Don't fault her for being brutally honest with you. Just judge her for who she is today, not for her past. We all hide 'skeletons in our closet' and that's how we learn from or mistakes to hopefully progress into better individuals. I'm sure you're no angel either. And for the pastor who said to ignore it, I wonder if he's ever heard of the 'Ostrich Effect' - stick your head in the ground cause if you don't see it then it doesn't exist. pffftt!! I wouldn't ignore it, but you do need to calm down about this issue.
Rather, judge her by the way she treats a restaurant server or a call center operator. See if she's in in serious debt, rich but stingy or breaking-even yet volunteers for the needy. Is she down-to-earth? intelligent?materialistic? athletic? artistic? gossipy? lazy? supportive? modest? what-ever man. Just don't penalize her for past relationships. It's better to know less sometimes, unless of course she has children or you needed antibiotics to clear up some disease down there. teeheehee
Unless you marry her, you really are only just another guy on her list. You should not bother having sex with her if you can't handle that reality. And she will eventually move on, as will you.
ReplyDelete