Dear Harlan,
We found out that our teenage daughter is smoking pot. She was arrested after her friend's parents found it in her purse. The parents thought it was their daughter's and called the police, but it turned out to be our daughter's pot. They did not have charges pressed, using the arrest as a scare tactic. We thought this had worked until we came across our daughter's diary. Through the diary, we discovered that she had hidden items in the bathrooms to help her pass her next drug test. She has the words "I win" written in her diary. It's like she is two different people. She tells us to our face, "I've quit," but her diary tells another story. She is 17, has a high GPA, goes to church and has a younger sister. We feel like we have done all the right things, so why is everything going wrong with this girl. She talks about going to college and becoming a doctor. Why does my daughter love to get high?
Parents of Pot Problem
I hate to say it, but Harlan is just plain wrong. Telling your daughter that you went through her diary is perhaps the worst advice someone could ever offer. It's a crash course headed for disaster.
ReplyDeleteYour number one question should not be "Why does my daughter love to get high?" That's a useless exercize and ignoring the problem. The problem is that you completely failed to instill any sort of shame in her. I suggest that you frequently mention that drug use is for "screw ups," or, the more effective choice, "F*%K ups."
Clearly, your daughter is not nearly as intelligent as you think, since she is priding herself on coming up with "clever" ways to pass drug tests. Simply put, I don't think she's going to become a doctor.
Your daughter gets high for (most likely) a variety of silly and stupid reasons that really don't matter. A reason to get high is just an excuse. The problem is that she thinks it is an appropriate way to deal with things, and most likely, that it's cool. It is sad that at this day in age, kids have to get into their early 20s before they realize smoking dope is not cool. Although, it is funny, in a ridiculously stupid sort of way.
Alright...back to the subject at hand. Don't tell your daughter that you read her diary. Just throw out her stored pints of piss. Don't even say anything about it. If she insists, tell her you were cleaning, and you have no need for storing urine in the bathroom. Hopefully that should instill some shame, and it's not a lie, 'cause it's true. Or, if you just want to instill fear, tell her that you need to take a hair sample, because it stays in the hair for many months.
Your daughter's lack of self-worth stems from years of your parenting, and heightened by her bad and unhealthy relationships that you have ignored for the last several years. Am I right? Yeah, probably.
Your only chance to do anything that might be helpful is to have a candid conversation with her about drug use. Ask her why she feels the need to smoke weed. Then berate those reasons as incredibly immature, selfish, and idiotic. "F%*K up" works well here.
Or just have a calm and candid conversation and tell her to wait until college...and she discovers booze.
Best of Luck.
Harlan here... I totally disagree with this last post. I just wanted to have my reply in a place (see below) you can read... I stand behind what I wrote the first time. MY ORIGINAL REPLY:
ReplyDeleteDear Parents,
Your daughter either wants to chill, fit in, rebel or pass time. Whatever it is, she and her drug counselor can figure it out. Forget screaming or fighting. Tell her what you discovered and that it's going to stop. Explain what happened, the responsibilities you'll take away for her lying, and when she'll meet with her drug counselor. If she wants to know why you're doing this, let her know that getting arrested didn't help her stop, and now she's lying and hiding the truth from you. That's not acceptable. For those hemp-wearing, pot-toking, herb-loving readers, I know this might sound severe, but next year, she'll probably head off to college, and they don't drug test in college. At the very least, she can pinpoint why she does what she does. Once she knows why, she can make better decisions and avoid risky situations. As parents, you need to help her figure out why she smokes and how she can stop. She might find out that she's struggling with more than she ever imagined.
Alright...
ReplyDeleteRegarding the last post - is it necessary to be entirely crass and disrespectful? Not only to the issue at hand, but to the entire forum?
As evidenced by the flagrant grammer and spelling errors, clearly you have indulged a little too much in the mary jane. And it's completely ludicrous that you have the gall to write what you did, but use an anonymous posting.
No. A little bit of weed isn't going to hurt her. I don't think either Harlan or I suggested that. It's just the manner, forethought, and deception involved. According to the Seattle Stranger, anyone who hasn't smoked weed in high school is a Republican. Sure, kids do what they do. But storing urine in a tupperware container to pass drug tests is just thoroughly bizarre. I mean, come on...that's just not right.
Experimenting with drugs is what you are supposed to do in college. And then you're supposed to realize that it's not nearly as exciting as you thought. The problem here is that, for whatever reason, the probability of that realization is slightly lower than normal. Not overstating the case in any way.
Anyway, gotta go...a Cheech and Chong marathon is on.
hello!
ReplyDeletei am an ex pot smoker. i'm a 31 year old female, and i'd like to believe i'm a fairly educated person. i think that smoking pot is not a bad thing. i never had any problems with smoking. in fact, i believe that pot should be legalized for medical issues. i have fibromyalgia, and it helps ease the pain associated with fibro. (For those of you who do not know what fibro is it is chronic pain.)....
anyways. what the daughter is doing IS extreme, and does need help. what i think she needs is a regular therapist, not a drug therapist. Pot is not addictive! after smoking for about 10 years i just quit one day, with no ill effects. pot is an herb, a plant and is not addictive like heroine. Her issues are emotional problems. For those of you who have never gotten high, the feeling is great. it is very relaxing. you forget about all your problems. it eases any anxiety that you feel everyday. if anyone ever claims addiction, i believe it is more pyschological than anything.
back to the daughter. she uses pot to make herself feel better, so where are the other problems coming from?
i know this first hand because that is why i used pot, besides the physical pain issues. now that i'm more secure with my life i no longer use. she needs support in her life, and love, which she may not be getting.
let her know that she can do anythhing she puts her mind to and does not need pot to feel good in life. she needs to do whatever she enjoys most, and love her all the way!
not all pot users are losers. that is an ignorant comment to make and is generalizing. i'm not a loser and support controlled, medical pot use.
~a happy ex pot smoker~
she obviously has her ducks in a row. school: good. church: check. sister: check. responsible: check. so she's smoking pot. she likely does it to escape for a little while, be alone, to shed her responsibilities for some time. but as long as uncle sam says shes breaking laws she better be careful.
ReplyDeleteyou say shes going in the right direction with school and church (smoking ganga is NOT a sin). perhaps you, her parents, could help her find other things to do to help her relax (maybe give her some nights off, to herself).
not that i endorse drugs, but as drugs go, weed is pretty mild. just make sure she doesnt get into harder stuff. because things like coke and PCP really do ruin peoples lives. plenty of people that are rich and famous, and people we look up to smoke the herb, such as athletes, movie stars, and politicians. i do agree that it is a poor decision to smoke bud, or cigarettes for that matter, or to drink alcohol, however she is a human being with the divine right to choose her path in life. she will be her own person (as it is in our nature as human beings). as her parents you must guide her in her youth, but the decision lies with her and her alone. as long as she keeps little habit like this under control, she will be fine.
I personaly think you just need to talk to your daughter, just because she smokes pot doesn't mean that she is going to ruin her life. Obviously she is trying to pave her independence, she is trying to start molding her OWN life. Trust me, I am 23 years old and graduated from the University of Texas with a 3.4 GPA and I am now working for a graphic design firm, making over $80,000 a year...I started smoking pot when I was 14 and haven't stopped since. Now, you want to make sure that she doesn't start playing around with more serious things like cocaine or heroin...Just, try and remember what you wanted from your parents when you were 17, you wanted to be treated like an adult I'm sure, just let her know you are there for her, but she has to make her own mistakes and choices.
ReplyDeleteParents of Pot Problem,
ReplyDeleteAll these people who are telling you why she is smoking pot, are only telling you why they did or still do it. It can be a number of reasons. I used to smoke pot at least twice daily. I got into it my freshman year of campus. The first few times I smoked I was with friends. After that I started to justify it as a means of relaxation. Then it just became habit and regardless of the fact that pot is not phyisicaly addictive, it is habitualy addictive. In my case it led me down the road of harder and truly addictive drugs. I went from a 4.0 down to accademic probation in one year. Now I always have to work extremely hard in my classes because one bad quarter could mean I would be expelled from the university. I lost my spots for a co-op with Honda, Phillips Medical, and the Naval Surface Warfare department (I am an Electrical Engineering major). If you want my oppinion, talk to your daughter. Do not let her know you read her dairy, but tell her you know she is still smoking. Tell her that it bothers you, and let her know you love her and it pains you to see her doing this to herself. Whatever you decide to say, do not talk to her in a lectureing tone of voice. Talk like a friend, or you will just push her away. There is no way to actually stop her short of locking her in a cage. She has to want to stop on her own. I wish you the best of luck, and I am sure everything will turn out fine.
Parents of Pot Problem,
ReplyDeleteAll these people who are telling you why she is smoking pot, are only telling you why they did or still do it. It can be a number of reasons. I used to smoke pot at least twice daily. I got into it my freshman year of campus. The first few times I smoked I was with friends. After that I started to justify it as a means of relaxation. Then it just became habit and regardless of the fact that pot is not phyisicaly addictive, it is habitualy addictive. In my case it led me down the road of harder and truly addictive drugs. I went from a 4.0 down to accademic probation in one year. Now I always have to work extremely hard in my classes because one bad quarter could mean I would be expelled from the university. I lost my spots for a co-op with Honda, Phillips Medical, and the Naval Surface Warfare department (I am an Electrical Engineering major). If you want my oppinion, talk to your daughter. Do not let her know you read her dairy, but tell her you know she is still smoking. Tell her that it bothers you, and let her know you love her and it pains you to see her doing this to herself. Whatever you decide to say, do not talk to her in a lectureing tone of voice. Talk like a friend, or you will just push her away. There is no way to actually stop her short of locking her in a cage. She has to want to stop on her own. I wish you the best of luck, and I am sure everything will turn out fine.
For more help and to read my families nightmare with our daughter please visit
ReplyDeletehttp://www.mefeyler.parentshelpingteens.com/
Dear Parents of a Child They Care About,
ReplyDeleteI would hope that you wouldn't take the advice of someone you don't even know, but seeing as you have asked for the advice of someone that I doubt you have ever met, i guess i will share a child's advice with you.
First of all i am only seventeen, so take the advice as you care to. I have smoked pot before, quite a bit but haven’t for over a year now. I wasn't ever caught or deterred by any bad side effects or accidents.
I am of the thought that if you are going to do anything to punish or correct her poor judgment, you should be completely truthful. I have parents that are really strict and it never stopped me mostly because they are really sneaky. The more untruthful and tactical you are, the better she will get at playing the game she thinks she is playing.
I still to this day drink alcoholic beverages in moderation. Most of what I drink is wine which I have developed quite a taste for, but in the year since I stopped smoking I have never drank more than four drinks in one night. I also realize that even at my age my body has not stopped developing, and drinking could potentially interfere or alter the rest of my life. But I am doing better than what I would guess is half of the kids in my age group.
She will probably never become one hundred percent clean from the use mind-altering substances. The only chance I would have ever come completely clean from use of substances is if my parents had sat me down and told me they knew about it, let me know how much they where worried about me, and gone on to say that life decisions like this are only mine to make.
I am not however saying to just let her have free roam I would still give her a reasonable curfew, want to know where she is, and expect her to help out around the house. Most of all do not let her stay out all night on weeknights. But be sure to be reasonable, if she has to be in before everyone else she knows she will only try harder to escape.
This is pretty much the only way to teach a child like myself a lesson. My parents have become nothing but love to me. I don't respect them in anyway other that the fact that I love them. Because no matter how many rules and restrictions you place on your daughter's game she thinks she is playing, it is her game. Children are neurologically wired to grow and climb to new heights within those things that they apply them selves to, but for your daughter to play this game that she has undoubtedly applied herself to, someone has to be playing with her.
No other players no game.
Why the fuck would you read your kids diary? Idiots.I can tell already that your horrible parents, ( go ahead and cry ) and you raised your kid bad. Hell, my parents were total assholes and I smoked all the time at school. I even tried to run away...
ReplyDeleteI didn't read many of the other posts, but i feel that the problem behind her drug issues is either stress or a power struggle. I mean her parents actually went through her diary....after "coming across it"...I doubt that's the first time she's been checked up on. Teens don't generally leave their diaries out, So either she wanted them to read it because she wants their attention or they went looking for it. She has tried to be all the other good things that her parents want her to be and yet from the looks of it, that's not enough. If they want to make things better, letting the daughter choose her own drug counselor would be the best way to start. She needs to know who is boss and feel respected all the same.
ReplyDeleteI am a student in one of the top twenty five colleges in the country. My GPA is a 3.6. I graduated with hight honors from my highschool. I attend church regularly. I volunteer at a local school for mentally learning disabled kids (shizophrenia, autism, etc.). I work a full time job during the summer and half time while I am in school.
ReplyDeleteI smoked pot for the first time my sophomore year of highschool. I still smoke today. Many of the people here at my school smoke, and they're all doing quite well. People have been giving you reasons for your daughter's use of marijuana. You asked why she smokes. I don't think anyone other than your daughter can answer your questions. She may not even know why she smokes herself.
I met my current boyfriend over two years ago. While I had smoked a handful of times in two years, he toked at least twice a day, every day. I used to ask him what in his life was so bad that he needed to escape from it. The fact is, he wasn't trying to escape from anything.
People read a book because they like to read. People go out dancing because they like to dance. People smoke pot because they like it. You don't have to have psychological problems to love dancing or reading. Just because your daughter smokes does mean that she's trying to escape from anything. It's most likely simply a hobby she enjoys. The fact that she keeps substances to make sure she passes a drug test is smart -- it means that she's looking out for her future. I don't think she's doing anything wrong, but the majority of our society does. If weed were legal and prohibition still existed, people would view alcohol in the same way that they view pot today. Many people die from complications from alcohol, but I've never known of anyone dying because they smoked too much pot.
While smoking in itself may not be bad, it is possible to smoke too much. However, as long as one is taking care of all of his/her responsibilities, there's nothing wrong with leisure time.
One more thing to point out: don't pay any attention to those commercials on television or the radio about pot smokers. They are completely unrealistic. People don't make any mistakes when they're high that they wouldn't make otherwise. If you really want to know, call the people that are responsible for those ads, and ask them if they have a real report of someone hitting a kid on a bike, or hitting an old man walking in the street at night (which he shouldn't be doing anyhow), or letting something happen to the kid they were babysitting... all because they were high. Sure, maybe these things really happened, but I am completely sure that none of it happened because someone was high. The person may have been high at the time, but the accident most likely happened because they're bad drivers or irresponsible babysitters or generally unobservant people. None of this happened because someone was high.
In closing, I wish you the best of luck with your daughter. I understand your situation because you sound just like my parents... if they knew. They would never understand, and I have no hope of changing that fact. I do know, however, that my parents would never have read my diary, and I feel that this action on your behalf was more irresponsible than most of what your daughter is doing. I wouldn't do it again. If you want her to trust your guidance, you must trust her as well. My parents have always respected my privacy, and I come from one of the best home lifes of anyone my age that I have ever met. It sounds like your daughter comes from a wonderful home as well. I know I can't tell you not to worry, but at least try to understand that she's not doing anything that is out of control, and she's not doing anything that will ruin her life. Marijuana does have the potential to screw things up for some people, but it sounds like she has her life in good order. Reccommend that she keep it that way.
I would like to say why is it a problem from a logistical piont of view. surely use only constitutes a problem when the individual has no control and a detrimental effect is had upon the life(is this the case). she may have adhd(if she claims its to help think), thats why i smoke- i am on fatty acid oils(very effective and i dont rely on pot as i used to) but as alcohol is not my drug(embarasment, shame, and out of character behaviour bing the main reasons) i like to let steam off somewhere. western society has led us to believe we cant be trusted with drugs yet we are provided with the only drug with a fatal withdrawl(in practical termsi.e likelihood). drugs have not screwed or fucked my mental capacity simply because i am responsible(sounds arrogant doesnt it). But not everyone is, which i belive has more to do with consumer culture than the innate evil of coca. what i am saying is that she is a person not a problem and must be treated as such. try not to alienate her like the advice suggested by donnie(buffoon of the highest calibre) certainly will. Ignorance and fear are a dangerous combination. telling her that her beliefs are stupid is the quickest way to distance yourself from your daughter. and it sound like the gap is already becoming a gorge. Bridge it but explain your side of the story. If you are able to convince her of a highly logical arguement in your favour, that will have more effect than any authoritarian bullshit. It sounds like her life is good, please dont fuck it up for her sake and yours
ReplyDeleteRemember if you break the trust "for her own good" it will be you that has done the damage not her. to put it in perspective i am 19 and in england this just is not a big deal. tell her that as the penalties are high in america it is a risk that could jepordise(dont know how to spell it)her dreams of a career, in turn her chance at sucess in life, financial security, babies etc. and see if that doesnt hit home. keep following from that point, its a snowballing premise that could grow and grow. good luck
Thank you donnie for telling people what to think, if people like you didnt exist i honestly think life couldnt go on. please shower us with your open minded optimism and caring nature.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the last post:
ReplyDeleteYou need to take notice that your sarcasm is mildly inconsistent. It's not really effective. Please note that pointed barbs should both be "pointed" and "barbs." Unfortunately, your clever response lacked in both categories. Start out by trying to get either the "pointed" or "barbs" correct. I understand if it does take some time.
Anyway, I do see your very valid point. I should understand - people don't write in to advice columns because they are confused. People write to advice columns because their parenting has worked and they are proud with their efforts.
I'm not trying to tell someone what to think. It is phrased in such a way to give them something entirely different to think about.
Something that is entirely different from the "optimistic" and "caring nature" that has already clearly failed.
Grow up. The 90s are over. What we've realized is that all that optimism was bunk. Not only in the youth of today, but in everything. It's not overstating the case, because it's nothing new. It's merely a product of history.
Anywho, sorry you couldn't throw down in a more exciting manner.
D.
for fuck's sake chill out and skin up you ingrates - this is a natural substance we are talking about here, not the corruption that are synthesised drugs
ReplyDeleteyour daughter loves to get high because it feels good; wow, leap of faith that... just remind her it takes a few days for her head to *completely* clear so it's not perhaps a great idea the night before anything that requires focus
"don't panic, it's already worse than you think"
To the stoner who labeled me a "buffoon of the highest caliber."
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that there is nothing greater than listening to 19 year olds spew some sort of blind indignance toward "western culture." I understand - you spent a couple of months in a "non-western" country and can now speak with some sort enlightenment.
While I don't exactly understand how "ignorance and fear" exactly work into your argument, I'll tell you about a worse combination: naivety and arrogance.
But see, like drug use, naivety is one of those things that just gradually disappears. Once you get older, you'll realize that your drug use was, well, just kind of a waste of your time. You'll also realize that the world has taught you a bit of reality and that you can no longer comfort yourself with uninformed ideas about other cultures, or the vague idea that somewhere something perfectly aligns with your beliefs.
Anyway, the original posters seemed like they had a fairly decent relationship with their daughter. And so they don't really need to worry terribly about "damaging" their daughter or creating "distance." She'll be leaving soon - and the kids that have had a fairly normal experience pretty much realize that there is no longer any point in holding some angsty teen grudge.
In the long run, (as the poster to whom I am responding to pointed out) it's good for kids to have an authoritarian (or fascist, as anonymous stoner might like to say)figure in their life. It makes for less of a chance that they are mindlessly lashing out at some completely abstract idea like "western culture."
naivety
ReplyDeleten : lack of sophistication or worldliness
so·phis·ti·cate
v. tr.:
1. To cause to become less natural, especially to make less naive and more worldly.
2. To make impure; adulterate.
a·dul·ter·ate
v.:
To make impure by adding extraneous, improper, or inferior ingredients.
how bout that donnie!just a few definitions sum you up to my satisfaction. but gee, notice the emphasis on my? its my opinion. I wouldn't want to shove it down anyones throat, or attempt to convert others as if my opinion were a religion. have you heard donnie that "delusions of grandeur" is considered a mental affliction? you may not believe it but despite your apparent way with words ( such classy and extraneous words at that!! bravo!! ) you are still just a random dick commenting on a blog. you're negative attitude and outlook on life has won you precisely jackshit.i know you are thinking "I've got the things that are important to me!" But in the back of your mind you know that's a cop-out and an excuse just like the excuses the dope-smokers have for getting high. you're basically a bully, and if you have children i'm sure they hate your guts. even if you're too selfish to realize it.
oh and p.s. take your texbook grammarian's squibble elsewhere. noone gives a damn about perfect grammar or spelling in this sort of situation.
Dear Parents,
ReplyDeleteI think that your daughter is doing that because something is missing in her life... and you can help by finding some other thing which can help her replace the need of that. I wonder why people do it, isnt it simply because they want to relax and forget about their stress? i believe that if you give her more love and be strict her would be nice... i myself am almost 17, so i might understand her situation... i think that she thinks that doing that is just normal because you guys have just given her the feeling it is... be not too strict or too lose, just the right place.. talk with her.. tell her that you are just doing this because you care about her, because she is important to you and you dont want her to waste her life... i mean come on, ou're even seeking for help online... so that's pretty cool, but i believe talking to her is best... i dont think lying is good, but if you tell her that you read her diary online, she might never talk to you, cuz i would never want them to read my diary.. because scheck this out... if you give her the feeling that telling you her secrets is fine she will tell.. if she trusts you she will tell you... tell her stuffs like " darling we trust your choices, so please dont disapoint us.." hahaha its called suck up, but they will like it... that's what my parents do... i guess... i am also a top student, from the top five of my grade, but you know what, school is very tiering... i get like 5 hours of sleep a day soemthing like that.. and sometimes i dont even sleep.. but i guess its from all the ap classes... oh well.. anyways.. they want to relax thats why they do it, but make them feel relax at home, it might help.. but i would never want to make my parents worry since they already are doing so much by working hard on their jobs,.. well, my mom is really nice to me, it helps.. one friday after finishing school, i feel asleep at 5 pm and woke up at 5 am.....can you believe it? make her feel like home altho its her home...talk to them about your past and your mistakes and how you corrected them.. don make it obvious as if you were trying t make her do the righ thing.. talk to her like a friend, you'll get trust for beginer... then you might figure out her reason for doing pot, then you can help her and advice her... dont just get shoked surprised or like start yelling at them.. theres a reason for everthing... check out her reason and help her solve it... take part in her life... dont just go shouting and saying that potheads are bastards.. they all have their reasons... because they never found someone who could help them solve their problem.. and now is your time to help her... i dont know much abut phycologists and stuffs like that, but their all foreing to me.. you are closer to them, take a part, it'll get you closer to her... i hope..
i hope i was of some help.. anyways.. i hope it all turns out okay..
okay i am a 17 year old female and i smoke pot.. i do it because it gets my mind off of other things and it just relaxes me. i hang out with my friends and we smoke pot about 3-4 times after school. its not bad and its not addictive, its all physcological to me. i dont see myself as addicted i just love to do it to feel relaxed.
ReplyDeleteso ask your daughter about why she does it and just give her a break as long as she passes school. like my father said you can do it as long as you keep up your school work, which i am. so just talk to her and get her to tell you what the problem is if she has one and why she smokes the pot.
I think that the bigger issue here is not the daughter's marijuana use, but her deception. Whether or not we all think smoking weed is alright, this child is lying to her parents consistently. She's putting on an "I want to turn my life around" face to them, and laughing at their naivete behind their backs. It actually doesn't matter how much we can say "it's a plant, it won't hurt you"... to use the words of the bitchy judge who sent George Jung to jail in Blow, unfortunantly those plants are illegal. So if these parents don't want their daughter participating in illegal activities, they should follow Harlan's advice. Because, harmless or not, if she gets caught with enough marijuana it could have permanant repercussions.
ReplyDeleteWHY does she love to get high? Because it's FUN. Because it FEELS good. Don't ask stupid questions. Besides, most people have smoked tea at some time or another.
ReplyDelete