Dear Harlan,
I recently married the most wonderful man on the face of this Earth after dating him for five of the best years of my life. A couple of months ago, I accidentally came across some porn downloaded to our computer. When I asked him why he needed to look at that kind of stuff and why he was hiding it, he could not give me an answer. He knew he had really hurt my feelings and was truly sorry. He also stated that he would not do it again. I am not trying to be, nor do I want to be, a demanding, unrealistic wife. On the other hand, I have had personal life experiences that make me highly resent porn (which he and I have talked about). Basically, I need to know why men look at porn. Does this mean that he feels something is missing from our relationship? I know he loves me, but at the same time, I cannot help feel betrayed. I want to trust my husband.
Restless
I'm a woman and I don't really understand why some are offended by their bf or husband's pornographic straying. As long as it's not excessive, I don't think there's really a problem, morally or emotionally. It's not a betrayal if they look at images and have fantasies, it's betrayal if they go and try to act it out with other women. There really is no need to feel threatened by a bunch of inflated women faking it for money, is there?
ReplyDeleteHi Restless,
ReplyDeleteDid u every think that ur husband love u so much that he does not want to miss the good stuff for u. i mean when u love some one very much u want to give them, every wonderfull thing in the world that include sex, so all he must be doing is finding new stuff to please u. some time you can't get the answer from wat they say but you can know from there acts. so don't mistake him, instead trust him and try to find his real intensions, which will make your life sweet.
I could not agree more with Harlan's advice. I'm in a not-my-first relationship with a not-his-first guy. We were best friends for a couple of years before we got together. "Back then" he used to surf porn just to "decompress" at the end of a hard day. He still does it but I know it has nothing to do with a lack of desire for me. Like H says, men have a different avenue to unwind [like our romance novels or Lifetime movies.] As long as he's not comparing you, degrading you or ignoring you, you shouldn't let this one thing concern you. Peace sister.
ReplyDeleteI once had a college professor put it like this: "Pornography is to men as soaps and romance novels are to women." My wife also agrees (as stated previously) that viewing is much different than acting upon it.
ReplyDelete