Dear Harlan,
I'm 31 and just married. My husband and I have been together for four years. I love him a lot, but feel that I've compromised my values and what I wanted in a husband. I come from an educated family - both my parents have at least one master's degree (and so do I). My husband comes from a blue-collar family, but he did just get a bachelor's degree at age 30. We have different values regarding money, family, friends and raising children. I'm somewhat materialistic. I knew when I married my husband I was not getting want I wanted in a husband. My friends from high school and college have all married and bought houses with men who graduated from school around age 22. They are all successful. Some of my friends don't work, and their husbands make around $100,000. Others work, but with their combined income make around $85,000. Truthfully, I am always jealous, because I wanted their life. I am a teacher and do not make much money. I knew that when I married my husband, I wouldn't get what I wanted. I thought it would be OK, but I don't know if he will ever make me completely happy. Is this crazy? Am I being a complete snob? Shouldn't I make it work, no matter what? Maybe I should give it two years - in good times or bad, and for richer or poorer.
Not Sure
Oh Please,
ReplyDeleteWhat is wrong with you. Did you not learn this about your husband in the 4 years you knew him before marriage? You need to grow up. The grass is not always greener and you do not learn that with a MASTERS DEGREE. If I was him I would leave you.
The differences you and your friends have is what makes you unique. So what if you and your husband don't make lots of money. The most imortant thing in life is happiness, not money or material possesions. your friends may make more money than you, but are they truly happy?
ReplyDeleteOh great... just when I'm struggling to keep from losing all faith in the women of my generation, along comes Merry Cuttimoffat de Knees to put me down for the count. No doubt, when she finally comes to "settle accounts" with her future ex, she'll be sure to squeeze out everything she can get, to help pole-vault herself into that bigger'n'better deal waiting down the stretch.
ReplyDeleteI admire the husband. And now I really, really feel sorry for him, too.
Hers is pretty typical behavior for many women, based on what I have encountered and heard from others. By forcing the issue of "equality" and simultaneously never giving up various subtle yet significant advantages that came with being a woman (her sense of entitlement - shared by women on average - is a perfect example), women like her have effectively priced themselves out of the market. True equality existed between the sexes until 40 years ago. Today's artificial "equality" is in reality anything but; and she is just another statistic which makes this evident. Many women will not admit this, but they want to marry up - and this is what happens when they don't. Expect this to get worse from now (58% - and rising - of all college students are now women).
ReplyDeleteBabe,you have a degree...you want more money, get your butt out there and MAKE IT YOURSELF. Don't be all whiney and wussy about what someone else isn't doing for you when you are well and capable of taking care of yourself. You are doing yourself a disservice by placing the responsibility of your own happiness in someone else's lap (as well as basing happiness on finacial achievements). And as for your I'm-better-then-my husband-and-everyone-else-that-didn't-get-a-degree-right-out-of-high-school, my husband and I, neither having a bachelor's degree, have a combined income of over $90,000, and growing. As for your expectations of your husband...well, you should've married him to share your life with and have him share his life with you...not so he could take over where Daddy left off.
ReplyDeleteAhh... the grass is greener syndrome rears its ugly head once again. It's all about what you don't have, why you don't have it, never really putting the onus on yourself. If you were with your husband so long and knew "I was not getting what I wanted in a husband", what prompted you to marry him when you knew your outlook on life was so incompatible?
ReplyDeleteChances are, this newfound emphasis on materialism in your mind is a smoke-screen for something else that you feel is missing in your life. We all have that nagging feeling but choosing to abandon your marriage for some super kool stuff!!! is both selfish and immature. Did you really thing marriage was all about the house and the white picket fence and 2.3 kids playing with the dog while daddy was off making tons of money?
Figure out what you want NOW and stop pussy-footing. And buy a lottery ticket while you're at it. It's one step closer to the life you "want". I'm just glad you're figuring this out before you bring kids into the equation. Are these really the values you'd want to instill in them?
richer or poorer - money cant buy you love
ReplyDeleteDear Not Sure,
ReplyDeleteI am sure you are already sobbing profusely over the preceding attacks, so allow me to dissent.
Whatever job your husband gets, between the two of you you should have enough income to live a comfortable life, and you can still like material things. But if that is what you value above all else - nice things - then you need to grow into the real world, because that is the only world where marriage Works.
That aside, the more important issue is that feeling in the bottom of your heart that you and this man are incompatible in many areas. Your values differ on many important things, and you have known that all along. The real question is: do you dislike your life and envy your friends because they have money, or because they are happily married, because they are on the same page with their partners as you have never been? If it is the money, then shame on you, but chances are it is the latter, in which case I have some bad news.
You have fallen into the same, self-inflicted trap as many women like yourself. I'll call it Charolette syndrome, after naive art dealer of Sex and the City fame. You grew up with grandiose visions of the fantasyland wedding in your head, and never outgrew it. You had visions of marriage at 26 or 27, and one bouncing baby before your 30th birthday. Then, all of your friends around you were getting married...one, then two, eventually everyone but you, and you felt completely alone. Moreover, you were hitting thirty, unwed, childless, and running behind schedule. You felt empty, and so you committed the fatal sin: you settled. Whether or not you are materialistic, you were too afraid to wait for Mr. Right, so you wasted your one fairytale wedding on Mr. Wrong, and you knew it all along.
Part of the reason the divorce rate in this country is so high is that we want a balanced relationship - husband and wife as equals - which requires very high compatibility, yet we are unwilling to go through the added time, effort, and pain of searching for that match. There is one thing that is amazingly absent from your letter: in complaining about your relationship, you never once said, "I love my husband, but...". Do you love your husband?
One of two things will happen to you if you do not change your life. Either you will bring a child into this world together, and adding that stress onto your fractured relationship drives you to divorce, or you will realize one day many years form now that you were never truly happy. Get a divorce, NOW. Both you and your husband deserve opportunities to be truly happy, while you are still young. And despite what you may think when you look at all your happily married well-off friends, you are still young. Good luck to you, and godspeed. (C)AskAmy
And I beg to differ as well. You can decide that this "need for stuff" is reason for divorce if you want. And you can be sobbing profusely over the initial posts. You can be sobbing profusely over "AskAmy"'s post as well, to be perfectly honest. Sobbing profusely might actually be good for you.
ReplyDeleteTake a step back and realize what's important. You live, you get stuff, you die. You leave all the stuff here. What's the point of collecting lots more than the next guy?
The point about school: Masters degrees don't make you a better person. In your case, I'd say that it made you into a bit of a snob. So he doesn't make as much money, and he isn't as well educated. "I love him a lot" means very little, apparently.
I come from an educated family as well. My spouse didn't. We get along, we have money problems, we make it through it. Somehow going through difficulties makes us closer. Out of everything I have, the thing I most value in my life is my relationship with my spouse.
"Am I being a complete snob?" Yeah, you are. Get off of your little pedestal and lift your husband up to where you are.
And the end of the line goes "'till death do you part". I'm not sure how "'till death do you part" means two years... why don't you first decide to make it work, and don't focus on whether or not he meets your criteria in two years? Otherwise, let him move on and meet someone who deserves him, because unless you can change yourself, you don't.
..... by the way....
ReplyDeleteEveryone differs in their way of dealing with life, money, family, friends and raising children. If you go about your life trying to meet someone exactly like you, you will deservedly spend a lot of time alone. Learn to compromise.
AskAmy is convinced that you just aren't compatible - yet your whole post is about money. So I say she's probably really wrong, and you are just being a bit snobby. Why don't you put your master's degree to work helping him figure out how to make more money (as a couple)? Start a business together, do something - but do it together.
Also, Godspeed.
hey there i understand what you mean ive been married for a year and a half and wonder why i married him. we been together for three years and now i have doudts. i feel like i want to leave but cant. i hope that you will find your way..i think you should be happy with who you choose...
ReplyDeleteListen yeah what the hell is wrong with you? This is dumb, why write in about this its stuiped. You need to open your eyes and make your own money. Thing aren't free in dis world hunny. Wanna do something to make money? find a better job go back to school if you have to. Stop sitting on your backside, and get up and do something in this world.
ReplyDeleteYou made your bed now lie in it!
ReplyDeleteOr better yet end it! Not that way.
If you cant be happy with the man you supposedly love and married with out worring about what the Johnson's have or will have, divorce now. If he's not good enough for you now he will never be.
Do him the favor, because he can do better then wasting his time with a snobby ass wife who is more worried about money and comparing her life and what she has to everyone else, than building on their love and companionship and finding out that she does have everything.
you should be ashamed of yourself!you're obviously a spoiled,superficial brat! i hoped this man discover very fast the real "you" and dumps you!
ReplyDeleteShame on all of you who are partaking in name calling and being exactly what you claim "Not Sure" is being--snobs!
ReplyDeleteIn case some of you are unaware or have simply forgotten, aside from adultry, money problems are the leading cause of divorce today. So, those who argue that money is not important in a marriage--you are being naive. It is certaintly not the most important thing, but it definitely plays a pinnacle role in developing a family in a world where the average cost of college is about $26,000 per year.
Also, to the individual who speculated that "this" will "get worse" (I assume you mean women obtaining higher levels of education), I really hope that you are not arguing that women should not go to college. A small amount of women want to "marry up" (I'm sure there are a fair share of men who would enjoy it, too!). However, most women would like an equal partnership--one that involves shared levels of familial responsibility, and comparable levels of intellect and ambition.
Also, she does have a job! Telling her to "get off (her) butt" is a ridiculous and useless statement. She obviously is working (as she stated) and has advanced degrees. Also, perhaps "Not Sure" is not being a "degree snob" but rather, pointing out differences in her's and her husband's ambition levels. Of course there are two sides to every story, but maybe it is his lack of drive that is creating doubts in her mind. "Not sure" should ask herself and her husband to reevaluate what their goals are and what they want out of life (some of us don't know this or falsely think think that we do when we get married). Good luck to you!!
Don't let stuff, or your desire for stuff, rule your life.
ReplyDeleteYou could marry a guy who makes $100K a year but then is paralyzed in an accident and you're living on his disability pension.
Or he could die, or develop a gambling addiction, or the two of you could go into debt to buy even more things because you make so much money you think you can afford it.
Don't let stuff rule your life.
If this man makes you happy otherwise, do without stuff! You'll actually be much happier.
I've spent the last 20 years living in what I like to call "creative poverty"; even though I make good money, I don't buy anything retail and I don't own a big house or a lot of things (after all, you have to look after all those things; do you know how much time that takes?). New cars, fancy clothes, none of it really matters.
I live comfortably, I travel the world, and I do it myself on a small salary.
My sister and her husband, on the other hand, are in debt to their eyeballs, with a big house, new cars, expensive clothes, and all the latest electronic toys and they make $150K a year. And they are not happy.
You don't need all those things you think you need. It's an addiction, and there will NEVER be enough money to get all the stuff you want.
The faster you end this marriage, the faster this poor guy can move on to someone else who is not a superficial crybaby. Please do not have any kids! Don't even try to "make it work". You don't deserve him, and every second you continue to fake it robs him of the life he deserves. You are nauseating.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, you don't sound like you're 31. More like 11.
ReplyDelete