My teenage daughter had a boyfriend that she had been "going out" with for about a year. They are both 14, almost 15. She broke up with him two months ago. The problem is that this boy is controlling and she is still in his wraps, although she says that they are just friends. She says that he's really mean to her if she doesn't do what he wants. The obvious approach is to have her avoid all contact with him, but what do you do when her self-esteem is so low that he's made her feel like she is nothing without him?
Concerned Parent
Self-esteem for most teenagers in most high school is like the jeans worn by most teenagers in high school - shockingly low with little room to get much lower... If you haven't been in high school lately, it's a brutal world where everyone makes everyone else feel like less so they can feel like more, leaving most feeling like nothing. Then you throw in first love, and it really is a first love, considering that most who are falling in love don't love themselves all that much to begin with. The good news is that parents are the strongest influence on teenagers. So influence her. Explain why this guy is poison. Then help her to see that she's smart, beautiful and someone worth knowing. Tell her with words. Show her with actions. Then point her in a direction where she can build a sense of self. Sports, drama, music, dance, student government, religious youth groups, academic clubs - these are all things that help. When she's home, spend time with her. Make one night one week mother-daughter night and another the next week father-daughter night. Do something active (yoga, sports, cooking classes or just dinner). The more involved you are, the more influence you'll have. The more influence you have, the more frequently you can remind her that she deserves the best. It might take 10 years to sink in, which will make her 24, but as long as she doesn't get married at 16, she'll still have plenty of time to find a perfect partner. Now, I'll open this up and ask all the teenagers out there to send in their advice to you. - Harlan
ReplyDeleteDo as the previous commenter said and then pray a lot. This child should not even be dating at this age, but I live in the old days. Talk a lot with your daughter.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the first comment. And to the parent, you are absolutely right to ackowledge that self-esteem is the main issue here. Many adolescent teens (heck, many middle-aged people as well) have low self-esteem. As a parent, one of the most important things you can do is help build your daughter up. Shower her with love and affection. Tell her you love her as often as possible. Make her feel like a truly important and worthwhile person. Build your relationship on mutual trust, respect and most of all love. My mother to this day says to me, "I am so proud to be your mom." It may not seem like a groundbreaking statement, but to a child (as well as to an adult) hearing this statement repeatedly makes you feel important and in turn, builds confidence and self-esteem. Confidence building begins from the moment a child is born. Whatever you can do at home to make your daughter feel confident is key. Once this bud has been planted within her, she will do the rest. Her decisions and actions will be a direct reflection of her self-assuredness. In turn, her confidence will prevent her from dating loser guys who treat her badly and attempt to control her life because she will honestly believe that she is better than that, and deserving of someone who treats her with only kindness and respect. (and that this jerk she is still connected with is NOT deserving of her whatsoever). But please, immediately begin working with her on her confidence. Help her realize that she is wonderful, special and deserving of only the best.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest thing for a teenager to realize is that events and relationships that seem life or death today, are just uncomfortable memories a few years down the line. Every teenager needs to go through some tough times and some angst while he or she finds out who they really are. Encourage your daughter to take advantage of her young years to do just this. Suggest that she try new things, especially with her girlfriends. Teenagers are forming their "family" of friends. Get behind her in this- it will be her support group. Tell her that she is not defined by who she is or isn't dating. Tell her that you believe in her & are proud of her. My mom told me all the time & was there to listen through all my teen angst. Even though her confidence in me couldn't substitute for the approval of my peers the message did get through. Thankfully I made it through and now I'm a confident 26 year old woman with "uncomfortable" teen memories. Thanks Mom!
ReplyDeleteGet your daughter involved in a volunteer activity. In addition to an activity at school, volunteer activites allow your daughter to see some of the real world, meet new people with real problems and really make a difference. In fact, maybe you could do it with her. I was a teenager with the same kind of boyfriend. I was devastated when we broke up and he continued to have a hold on me and my self-confidence was negative. So, first I volunteered at Hospice (not my cup of tea) and then I volunteered at a Children's Hospital - which I loved. Fast forward 19 years - I am now married to a great guy, I have a great job, a college degree in electrical engineering and four beautiful children. Good luck.
ReplyDeletehi my name is shaun branson i am of age 18 the problem is that you need to interact with your daughter. i don't like boy's who do that kind of thing tell the teacher if any dout what to do if your girl still has low-self-esteem.
ReplyDeleteI went through a very similar experiance myself. I am 13 almost 14 and was "going out" with a guy 4 about 11 months. He just was not treated my right everyone was concerned. My parents, my firneds and my teachers. He was only the second bf i had had. About 1 month ago we broke up because he was not speaking to me he ripped my heart in half. This boy was very controlling and made me feel worthless. The best thing for parent to do is to be there to comfort, to undertsnad that there teen will need specail attenetion during this tough. Slowly after time things will become better. I am not going to say that me an dthis guy are friends because we are not. He hates me and i hate him. My self esteem is preety low because my eyes were operated on at birth and are not the same. This boy made me feel liking running away and never coming back. the thing you need to do is make sure your daughter does nothing in revenge it won't work and also have her surronded by friends. Family and friends should be the most important thing.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing you can do is talk to your daughter and do not pressure her, because that will make her run a mile. Tell her you are there for her and that this boy does not Deserveto to talk to her like that. If i was you i would support your daughter and hint that you think its best for her to stay away from him at all times. good luck xxxx
ReplyDeleteI want to point out something. You probably only know about the tip of the iceberg. Statistics show that 1 in 3 teenagers have experienced violence in a relationship. self esteem might be an issue... but her safety should be the first thing to deal with.
ReplyDeleteTeen dating violence is a serious problem, often hidden by the victim. Controlling behavior, mean comments fit into an abusive personality- even if he never hit her. Help your daughter by calling the national domestic violence hotline (800) 799-7233.
you might want to consider working with the high school next fall to make sure her free periods don't coincide with his, and perhaps think about getting her into some counseling.
i am a teenager myself and honestly it will help alot if she has the support of friends as well as her mother and family, but when it comes down to it she is going to have to realize the sitution she is in and get herself out of it, if worse comes to worse nd things get real bad , get a restraining order because even if it seems sort of bad it could be alot worse than you think, she is very young and has plenty of time for guys, she needs to break away and focus on making herself happy. whatever you can do to help her realize that do it, take her out with her friends and you, take her to a hotel with her girlfriends for the weekend show her a good time and dont leave any room for her and this controlling boy to talk.
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