Dear Harlan,
My mom and dad are divorced, and they keep fighting. My mom keeps putting me into the middle of it. She is a controlling b****. Please excuse how I talk about her, but I'm really mad at her. Because we fight all of the time, I'm really starting to head in the wrong direction. I'm still a virgin and I haven't done drugs or smoked, but if she keeps backing me in a corner, then I don't think I'll be able to hold on much longer. I need help figuring out where to go and what to do.
Close to Rebelling
The problem with having sex, drinking and doing drugs to rebel is that you're the one who ends up pregnant, arrested, assaulted, depressed, failing and unable to cope with life — not your mom. A better rebellion is to be happy. Start by following the advice another child of divorce offered. Ask your mom not to put you in the middle of her problems with your dad. Ask her to stop. If she doesn't, leave the room when she starts. Then surround yourself with friends who support you, activities that keep your mind busy and adults who aren't fighting. Then you'll begin to feel so much better, and she'll still be her. That'll show her.
ReplyDelete- Harlan
Just a quick bit of advice you might want to pass on to "Close to Rebelling" from today's column. There is a third person in this dance; her father. It might be helpful if she approached him with her problem and asked for his assistance.
ReplyDeleteI'm 54 and married into a family of 2 boys 28 years ago. My wife's ex-husband played games with the boys by making promises that were almost never kept, by hiding when it was time for us to pick up one of the boys, etc. We did the best we could not to play, we were honest with the boys by trying to hold our promises and helping them understand when we could not (or would not) match or beat his "offers". Long story short, we beat him at his own game by refusing to play, thus adding energy to his games. I have two true sons and 4 granddaughters with whom I am deeply bonded. I have my flaws but I'm deeply proud of my family, and we have love.
The option of refusing to partipate is basically what you suggested to "Rebelling", but you only looked at one side of the issue. I want to remind you that there is another player who can be equally effective in calming things down, but he must be made aware of what's going on.
- Mike, Seattle
It's just so hard to know to what extent the father is in the picture and to what extent he stirs the pot. The risk is that by going to the father and telling what "mom" is doing, she then puts herself even more in the middle. I do think the daugther can ask both parents to please only say good things in her presence. Should they have nothing good to say, she can ask them to say nothing at all.
ReplyDelete- Harlan
Love i know how you feel a while back my brother abused me, and now my mum won't even look at me she doesn't talk to me and i miss her. I wished someone would help me. What i would do is tell your mum how you feel and that its not fair that she is blaming you for what happened. best of luck
ReplyDeleteI think you are being so selfish, your mum is trying to put this horrible time past her and your being a selfish cow towards her. if she really is that bad then talk to her instead of trying drugs and smoking. my dad left me when i was small but you don't see me running around acting like the world has just ended. pick your self up and listen to your mum and she will listen to you. sorry to be so harsh
ReplyDeleteI have only visited this site once and all i had to type into google was "help me". I have a similar problem to yours. my parents are divorced. my mom smokes and drinks and she has lost control of herself. She finds lame excuses to get upset at my sister and I. We try to figure out why she is mad but we cant. She told my sister to go to jail and that shes not smarter than her just bcuz she has a 4.0. My mom scared me so bad when she was yelling at my sister that i climbed out my window and walked to my dads house.I cry myself to sleep every night and the only thing worth living for right now is my freinds and BF. If i didnt have them i wouldnt be here today. Im worried about my sister though because she keeps talking about leaving life through death. I wish i had someone to talk to but i dont and idk wat to do and time is running out. Drinking and smoking i dont do but if my life continues to fall apart i will probably be forced into it as i get older. I have no advice for you bcuz i need advice myself. Im suffering from depression and stomach disorders resulting from stress. I wanna let you kno to try as hard as you can to stay out of drugs and alcohal and just hang on bcuz its not worth destroying ur life. I hope you make it out alright and i hope i do too.
ReplyDeleteBye,
~Confused Miko~ Age 13 WA
Dear Rebelling,
ReplyDeleteI am a 29 year old female who just broke free of (stopped talking to)a controlling mother. I have been where you are. My parents were also divorced. I have turned to sex, tried drugs, and tried drinking to try to drown the feelings of resentment I have toward my mother. Harlan is right, it only makes you feel bad later on. It hurts worse in the future, when you realize why you turned to sex, drugs, etc. and I still feel ashamed of the things I did 10 years ago. The biggest regret I have in life is losing my virginity. So please, keep that sacred. Someone said to tell your mom where you stand, that you don't want to be drug into the middle, and then leave if she persists. That is the best advise there is. You need to make your life your own. Find what you like most about yourself and build your esteem from that. And when your mom starts, tell yourself, she may be my mom, but she isn't me. And remember this when you have children of your own. At least now, you know what not to do as a parent. At least that's the way I keep looking at it. There is also a book called "Toxic Parents" that I am currently reading. It has helped a lot. It may also be worth bringing up to your dad. Just tell him what's going on with your mom and hopefully he will understand and offer some assistance. Keep in mind, your dad has dealt with her a lot longer than you've been alive.
I'm in a similar situation, I suppose, with a rather controlling mother. The way I deal with it is I show her what she wants to see, but behind her back I'm happy with my friends that support me. Good luck escaping her oppression; I've only 3 more years in college till I'm done with her.
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