Harlan Cohen's Blog

Mom Can't Stop Grown Son From Meeting Online Girlfriend

2010-12-16T15:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Harlan,

How can I support my son? He's met a girl online and wants to meet her. He's been chatting with her for several months and has developed strong feelings for her. It's become an intense relationship. He's just started his first year in college and has been consumed with this girl. They haven't met, but yet they call themselves a couple. He wants to meet her, and I'm having a hard time supporting this decision. In fact, I think it's a terrible idea. There's no way to know if this is safe or what he's getting into. They are going to meet halfway and spend the weekend together. What advice can you offer a concerned mom who doesn't want to push her son away, but is consumed with worry?

Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

You're not going to stop him from meeting her. And he's not going to listen to me either. He's an adult. He's going to meet her. So, accept it. When he does meet her, he's either he's going to fall deeper in love with this woman (assuming she's actually a woman and not a man) or he's going to be totally disappointed and deflated. Once you can accept that he's going to meet her, stress safety. Insist they meet on his own turf. This way she can have a place to stay (at a hotel) and he can go home if it's not feeling comfortable. It's also safer if he's near familiar people — friends and family. Encourage him to do a background check (offer to pay for it) to verify what she says about herself is true. Tell him to assume that it's true, but he should check just to be safe. See if you can meet her too (invite her over for dinner). The fact that he feels comfortable enough to include you in this part of his life says a lot. Once he communicates that you're so welcoming, this girl will freak out because she's a fake or meet you and let you be the judge. If you still can't get through to him, have a relative or someone he trusts talk some sense into him. Make it about safety. Meeting in a strange place isn't smart or safe.

SKINNY ROOMMATES WANTS BIG ROOMMATE TO STAY OFF HER COZY COUCH

2010-12-15T20:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I just got a new roommate about a month ago. The problem is that she is very overweight and not very active. She has taken to using my couch (we have two living rooms, one with her furniture and one with mine) to read and talk on the phone. This would not be an issue at all, except that my couch is down-filled and not sturdy enough to hold up to her excess weight. It's ruining the cushions right where she sits. My sofa is decent and does not otherwise need to be replaced, nor do I have the money to buy another one. Her sofa is sturdier construction, but she doesn't use it. I also gave her a "deal" on the rent; so it's not like she's paying enough to cover a sofa replacement. How can I resolve this issue? I don't want to hurt her or ruin a relationship.

Sofa Situation

Dear Sofa Situation,

I imagine your couch's cozy down cushions shape nicely to your roommate's buttocks? Down is cozy. I understand why she likes your couch. The answer might be having her fluff after she sits and regularly rotating cushions (model this for her after you get up). If the fluffing doesn't work — move the sofas. Tell her you read it's a good idea to rotate cushions and sofas. If she follows the fluffy sofa into the other room, then let it go. There's no kind way to tell her that her weight is ruining the sofa. Besides, sofas don't come with a weight limit on them. If you find that your cushions are getting crushed, you might need to replace the cushions instead of your roommate. Talk to a sofa salesperson and investigate. But say the wrong thing, and living with her will be far more uncomfortable than a couch could ever be.

Future Grandma-In-Law Talks Too Much Trash For Future Granddaughter-In-Law

2010-12-14T20:19:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I'm 21, recently engaged, and things are great — except for my fiance's grandmother. She tries to tell him how to live every aspect of his life, and she has recently begun to do the same to me. She wants to do my laundry, tells me what to wear, how to cut my hair and even that I need to lose weight. She even tells me that I'm crazy for wanting to marry her grandson. How do I deal with her without hurting his feelings or hers?

Granddaugther-in-law to be

Dear Granddaughter-in-law,

I see the Facebook and Twitter feed right now — "Stuff my GIL says" (GIL stands for grandma-in-law). Like all patriarchs and matriarchs who no longer care what other people think, GILs can be as insightful as they can be offensive. The trick is to find the gold in her trash-talking. There's nothing wrong with listening to her rants, but this doesn't mean doing what she wants. There's a difference between listening and doing whatever you and your fiance want. While listening, consider digging deeper at times when she offers gold. For example, when she tells you that you're crazy for wanting to marry her grandson, ask her why she thinks you're crazy. She might know something you don't know. But when she says to lose weight, buy clothes and do the laundry, tell her thank you and then do whatever you want. If you're happy and your fiance is happy, then there's no reason to make her happy. It's not like you're marrying her. Give her permission to be an outspoken GIL and make a commitment with your man to

live a life that works for you both — not her.

Abandoning Dream To Follow Guy is Nightmare

2010-12-12T19:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I have been dating a boy for about seven months, and we are very much in love. We make plans for “forever” as if it’s a restaurant to go to on Thursday. The only issue is that he is a year older than me. He is going to college a half-hour from where we live. I, however, have always dreamed of going far away, to Oregon or Washington. My boyfriend says he wants to go with me. I was perfectly OK with us going together provided we both get accepted into the college together, until one of my friends stepped in and began to try to talk me out of it, saying I would regret it. What do you think about this? Have you heard of this working, or is it better to just leave my life and love behind and start over new?

Confused HS Senior

Dear Confused HS Senior,

If I ran a “WORST IDEA OF THE YEAR” contest, this idea could make the final round. Here’s how I see it: College takes up about nine months of the year -- with breaks, eight months. Figure that you’ll see each other at least once every eight weeks or so (book cheap flights early). Then you have cell phones (free cell-to-cell minutes), the Internet, video chats and text messaging (use them all in moderation). You have your ENTIRE life to live with him and be close to someone. Being apart might be scary and uncomfortable, but learning how to get comfortable with the uncomfortable is more valuable than any degree. There’s always the risk that one or both of you will find someone else, but love can endure. Having a life away from him and still wanting to be with him is the ultimate testament. But that’s just one more opinion. The decision is up to you, but I’m with your friend on this one.

Parents Freak Out After Spotting Roommate’s Drug Paraphernalia

2010-12-09T19:36:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

My parents recently visited me on campus. When my parents came into my room, they noticed something on my roommate's desk. My roommate left her smoking device on her desk in plain sight. My family is freaking out that I'm living with someone who smokes pot. They don't approve of drugs and are worried that this will influence me. What should I do about this?

Fuming

Dear Fuming,

Tell your parents that your roommate also has sex with strangers and drinks. But you're not going to sleep around and drink just because she does it. That should comfort them — no, I'm not at all serious. Here's my problem — there's a chance that people will think this is yours. Even if it's not, some of these people might have the power to write you up, report you or even have you arrested. So, from a legal point of view, it's a bad idea to have drugs or drug paraphernalia in your room. And that's the way to approach her. Pick a sober moment and talk to her. Let her know what happened and that it makes you uncomfortable to be in a room with drug paraphernalia (or drugs). Ask her to hide her drug paraphernalia and to keep the drugs out of the room (in case there are drugs in the room). If she can't respect this rule (or the law) — get out of that room. I know this might sound like an over-the-top response, but a student who gets convicted of a crime involving drugs can not only be expelled, but can become ineligible for federal student aid. And if a student has received federal money, he or she can be asked to pay it back. So while it might seem harmless and funny, it has the potential to be a big unfunny situation.

Dating People In Power Is Sexy, But Too Dangerous

2010-12-08T19:58:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I'm a freshman living in the dorms this year. I've got a huge crush on my resident assistant. It's not even a crush of convenience — I hang out with him every day, and as cheesy as it sounds, he's literally different from any guy I've ever met in my life. But I know it's not very smart to date your R.A., for obvious reasons. What advice would you give for this dilemma?

Adult Crush

Dear Adult Crush,

As a rule — someone who can write you up is never allowed to feel you up. Yes, he's different. He's different because you've never met a guy who lives a few doors down in a position of power. Hot guy plus power plus living next door plus no curfew equals hot fantasy and intense emotions. All this said, until he's not in a position of power, don't date him. Look at it like this: If you like this guy, why would you put him in a position where he could get fired? Should you date this guy, he could end up losing his job. And if room and board is a perk of the position, this means he might be forced to move home. Then he won't be down the hall, down the street or in the state. I don't doubt your attraction. I don't doubt he's different, but make sure it's not illegal or against the rules. Besides, if you become a couple and break up, your ex-boyfriend will be your R.A. living down the hall. See the problem now?

Struggling Student's Sexual Orientation Is Making Him Sick

2010-12-07T11:37:00.000-08:00

Hey Harlan,

So, I recently started to experiment with the same sex. Afterward, I always become ill (such as nausea, vomiting, etc.). But for some reason, I keep going back to this experimental side of things. Now I have met a guy who is pretty nice. We have been hanging out, and things have been going well. After one night we spent together, the next day I felt horrible. I felt guilty and ashamed and several times during the course of the day I started to become horribly upset. I would start to cry when I was alone and thought about the previous night's events. I have talked to him about it, and he said that I just need to find myself. I am not sure what to do. I was wondering if you can help me. It would be greatly appreciated!

Searching For Me

Dear Searching,

Instead of guilt, shame, sickness or sadness, feel an intense sense of pride. Smile. You're figuring it out. It can be frightening to be authentic. Appreciate that when it comes to sexual orientation, we live in two worlds. One is a world where people will judge you based on your sexual orientation, and the other is a place where people will love and accept you regardless of who you love. Seek out the people living in a world who will love and respect you. But it all starts with you. It's hard to feel good about yourself when your best friend (you) is so judgmental and unforgiving.Stop judging yourself. Accept who you are. Work to love yourself unconditionally. This means taking a break from dating or experimenting with anyone until you can love yourself. As you continue your self-exploration, turn to adults who have been down a similar path. Find a therapist to guide you. Look to online resources like www.pflag.org (this can point you in the direction to get help). Forget labels. Focus on working on accepting and loving yourself. Only then will you be emotionally equipped to share your life with another man or woman and have the courage and confidence to live an authentic life in both worlds. Now that's happiness.

Living With Boyfriend Isn't Always Best Idea

2010-12-02T20:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Harlan,

How do you break up with your boyfriend who happens to be your roommate?

Verge of Breaking

Dear Verge of Breaking,

This is why living with your boyfriend rarely is a good idea. It’s so much more complicated to break free. My guess is that this relationship probably should have ended a long time ago, and you’ve either met someone else or realized this has become too toxic. Whatever the reason, congrats for not just letting this go because it’s too hard to move out (something a lot of couples do and why living with your significant other rarely is a good idea). To answer this question, you need to have options. Figure out where you’ll live should he freak out or want you out. Have a friend you can stay with (not another boyfriend). Consider getting someone to sublet your place. If you can’t move out, then make sure there’s a couch or an inflatable mattress (they are pretty cheap) that you can crash on until you can escape this living situation. Once you have a plan in place, then you can be totally honest with him and do what you probably should have done a long time ago.

College Love Triangle

2010-12-01T22:40:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

So I'm in a bit of a love triangle. My best friend and I have a crush on the same guy, but only I've admitted to it. She says she doesn't like him and that he's mine for the taking, but I know she doesn't really want that. I also know for a fact that the guy has similar feelings for me. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to do anything to screw up any friendship since we're all part of a tight-knit group. It's getting harder and harder to resist the feelings, and I don't want to give up the chance of something happening, but I don't know how long I can take it. But what can I do when the guy holds the reins?

Out of my Hands

Dear Out of my Hands,

She said she doesn't want him, right? For all you know, she's really a lesbian and is deeply in love with you. Now, that's what you call a love triangle. What you're describing is just the illusion of a love triangle. If you want to make sure she's being honest with you, talk about it in the clearest terms again. Tell her how you feel about this guy. Tell her that you think she's not telling you the truth. Explain that if she has feelings you're not going to date this guy because your friendship with her means everything. If she's cool with you dating him, talk about it with the guy to see if he's into you. The chances are, you'll date him for a little while, break up and then your friend will end up dating him (or you), and getting married. Now, this really is a love triangle.

Mom Needs Help! Caucasian Son Has Three African American Roommates

2010-09-12T21:31:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

My son is going away to college this fall. He just got his roommate assignment. He is a blond-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian boy from New York, and has not really had much contact with African-Americans. Well, all three of his roommates are African-Americans. He is very uncomfortable with this. The school is in the South, but even when we went to the orientation, it was primarily Caucasian. Why would the college do this? It seemed as if the school wanted the students to feel comfortable, and it seemed as if it wanted to make the first-year transition as easy as possible. My son said he would have no problem if it were two and two, but the three-to-one has him feeling very awkward. Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation?

Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

Tell him that one of these African-American roommates might just be our nation's future president. The only thing your son doesn't have in common with his roommates is the color of his skin. Your son can find plenty of white friends outside his dorm room. If anything, this could be a way for him to connect with people he might not otherwise meet. As for the school, it might not look at matching skin color when matching roommates. Until there's a real situation, there shouldn't be a problem.

No, Harlan, Porn Isn't OK

2010-07-12T09:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I happened to glance through the "Help Me, Harlan" section of the paper, and was appalled when I read your response to "Confused and Hurt's" letter. Contrary to your comment, there is nothing "loving, monogamous or adoring" about men who allow pornography to enter into their marriage. Marriage is between one man and one woman — not one man and multiple women. Our society has normalized all this to ward off the guilt associated with it, and then we wonder why so many marriages are failing. From both personal experience and documented research, the most important thing to most men is respect. There is nothing to respect in a man that lacks the self-control and selfishly indulges himself in self-destructive behavior that hurts both his wife and, without realizing it, himself. Don't contribute to an already self-destructive society that is fueling destructive marriage.

Kristy

Dear Kristy,

Thanks for the note. Sorry to appall you. Some people think marriage is between a man and woman. Some people think it's between a man and a man or a woman and a woman. When it comes to porn in marriage, I believe it's a couple's personal choice. What breaks up marriage is contempt, a lack of communication and unforeseen circumstances. Not porn.

Failing College Student Has One Fear: His Parents

2010-07-12T09:19:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I don't even know where to begin. I recently had a very bad semester at the close of my sophomore year. I made some bad decisions. I didn't always go to class because the classes were, for the most part, online. I fell behind and couldn't recover. When I got my grades, I prayed I would only be on probation and have an opportunity to retake the classes and set things right. But instead I found out that I had been academically disqualified from the university. I'm very active in student groups, and even though I may have to attend a semester at a community college so I can then transfer back into the school I love, I really want that to be my last resort. I have the chance to appeal, but I don't think what I told you would persuade them to let me have another shot. The other side of the coin is that if/when this becomes final after I try to appeal, how do I tell my parents? That actually scares me more than anything. I come from a high-achieving family with three siblings who have all completed college and earned degrees. I'm really at the end of my wits racking my brain trying to figure out a solution. I'm at a loss.

Hanging by a Thread

Dear Hanging by a Thread,

Here's what you should NOT do: Hide, run, get angry, make excuses, feel ashamed, feel stupid, be embarrassed and be afraid. What you should do: Admit you made a mistake, apologize, face this and commit to making changes. Understand that the people reading your appeal want you to succeed. "When I read an appeal, I recognize that everyone's story is unique. Empathy is necessity when working with students who are struggling," said Eric Stoller, academic adviser and web coordinator at Oregon State University. Turn to the people who can help you — campus officials, professors and even your parents. If you don't win the appeal, make a personal appeal. And consider involving your parents. Yes, they will be surprised, but once they see that you are taking responsibility, they will help you. You WILL get through this, and over time, you will see it as a gift in the future.

Half-Jewish Ex Is Full Of Questions Following Breakup

2010-06-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I've been rejected by the same guy for a second time. The first time it was because he said he felt like he wanted more. He then went on to date someone else for a couple months. As of a few weeks ago, things started to develop between us again. We actually started seeing each other for a couple weeks. I was happier than ever, especially because I had a gut feeling that things were not resolved the first time around. Then, after a very romantic night, he ended things again. Basically, his reason was that if he was going to continue being this physical with a girl, it would have to be mean something. OUCH. To top it off, he makes things super awkward in class. We have insane chemistry and every other thing in common. Mind you, this IS the sweet, smart, slightly geeky guy who is supposed to come after dating the jerks! The only reasons I can think of to account for his decision are that he is graduating, while I have another year. Or, he still is a virgin and has never gotten as physical with a girl as he has with me, so maybe it was too fast. Lastly, he is Jewish and I am only half-Jewish. Are any of these valid explanations for why he ended things when I know that we would honestly be a great couple?

Still Looking for Answers

Dear Looking for Answers,

You might be half-Jewish, but he's 100 percent full of (fill in the blank). I don't know why he's doing this to you for a second time. All you can do is give him permission to share the truth, even if the truth might hurt your feelings. Tell him you want to understand what went wrong, even if it hurts, so you can avoid getting into a similar situation again. If he's not interested in sharing the truth, assume you're too honest, too beautiful and too desirable to sit around waiting for him to realize his mistake. In dating, it's two strikes and he's out (three strikes is for baseball).

New Boyfriend Is Used To Having Sex, She's Not

2010-06-02T07:56:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I started a new relationship with someone who is used to having sex. I, on the other hand, want to hold off. I'm not sure how long I should expect him to hold off on having sex if he's used to it in a relationship. What's the average time a man will wait to have sex?

Dating Someone New

Dear Dating Someone New,

It all depends how much a man likes a woman. If he's just looking to use her and have sex with her, he won't wait long. If he's looking to build a relationship that can lead to something monogamous and long-term, he will wait as long as it takes for his partner to be completely comfortable. Time is a good thing. There's no rush. You'll learn a lot. You'll really get to know each other. Anyone who rushes you or doesn't appreciate your feelings is someone who is unworthy of experiencing something so special and important. And really, there are lots of ways to get close physically without having sex with someone. You can be the one to help him see that. The only trick is that he has to stick around long enough for you to help him appreciate the joys of waiting.

Innocent Office Flirting Has Wife Feeling Guilty

2010-06-02T07:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I am in my 30s and married. I have a manager who is 11 years younger than me and also married. He is very charming and nice to everyone. In the beginning of my employment, this was fine. However, at some point, we developed a relationship that bordered on flirting. It made me nervous. I stopped asking him work questions unless I absolutely had to. Then I felt bad because he's looked sad when I did have to talk to him. I then started talking more to him again, and felt this connection again. So I stopped again. Then, I put a picture of my husband up on my desk. Right away, I notice when I had to talk to him, he looked really sad. A few weeks later, he started paying a lot of attention to another girl. I am just sick of worrying about this. I am tired of the games. How do I get rid of the crush I have on him? I feel sometimes that he is the guy I should really be with. How do I get myself to believe that it's not true, or if it is, how do I find out?

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Having someone flirt with you and you liking it doesn't mean your marriage is doomed or that you should feel conflicted. It means that you need to do some work on yourself and your marriage. Get over him by working to make your marriage better than ever. Get over him by understanding that lots of men will show beautiful women like you attention. Get over him by recognizing that you can like the attention and still be committed to your husband. If you're still conflicted after working on these issues, then there might be a bigger problem. Whatever you do, NEVER turn to the guy at work for answers. He's only going to bring up more questions.

Today Show Appearance

2010-06-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

The Transfer Process Can Be Painful, Just Ask Her New New Friends

2010-05-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I have plans to transfer to Northern Michigan University next year and have already started the process. I don't like the college I am currently attending and have already told my friends about my transfer. They all are having problems with their relationships and end up adding the fact that I won't be here next year as one more of their problems. How do I deal with this kind of guilt? I love the few friends I have here, but I can't drown in their problems. I have always been there for them, and it's hard enough for me to leave, but I know I'll be happier once I leave this college. I just need to know how to help myself without hurting my closest friends. Any advice would be great.

Helping Without Hurting

Dear Hurting,

I'll make you a deal: Tell your friends about my column and have them write to me. I'll do my best to get back to them. Then you can focus on taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do to be healthy. In the meantime, give them permission to be sad and miss you while you take care of yourself. Between Facebook, Twitter, cell phones, chatting and visits, you can remain close. While I'm sure they will miss you, the problem might not be you transferring as much as it's having friends who love to talk about their problems. If anything, they should thank you. You transferring has given them a new problem. And that's about the most generous thing you could do for people who love problems.

Single Girl Thinks All The Good Men Are Either Gay Or Taken

2010-05-05T18:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

For the past two years, every man that I meet and am interested in turns out to be married, gay or both! My friends do not believe me. One time, we were at a parade in our hometown and a nice older gentleman (maybe 15 years older) started flirting with me. The friends approve. We moved to the opposite side of the road (at his request) and had a great time, until he tells me he is gay and married to a woman (just in order to get his trust fund). I asked him why he wanted to hang with me without my friends. He said because I was fun and nonjudgmental. So, here's my question: How do I meet a straight guy who thinks I'm No. 1? I used to pick losers, clean them up and marry them off to my friends.

Bad Picker

Dear Bad Picker,

The saying "All the good ones are gay or married" is NOT TRUE. I understand what's happening. You go after guys who need help. You approach them because they're approachable (i.e. less likely to reject you). They like the attention. You clean them up. By the time they are desirable, they see you as a friend and go after your friends. Then, you play the victim. When it comes to the gay guys who like you, the gay guys approach you because they aren't worried about getting rejected by you. Maybe you're just too hot for straight guys to approach you? Try this — go after extremely confident guys who don't need to be cleaned up, and don't be surprised when older men at gay pride parades hit on you. When approaching confident men, be assertive and make it clear that you're looking for a date and not a friend. Then see where this takes you. Clearly, you're fun and likable.

Dating Recluse Neighbor Is Flirting With Disaster

2010-04-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I'm in my second semester at college. I've been advised by upperclassmen and my parents that it's not a good idea to have a relationship or hook up with someone who lives on the same floor of the same dorm as I do. However, I've recently run into a bit of a conundrum. There's a girl on my floor and in one of my classes who I think has a bit of a thing for me, and I have feelings for her, too. Normally, I would try to ignore this, but this girl is extremely reclusive and rarely leaves her room. Moreover, she lives on the other end of the hall. It seems like she could just as easily be in another building. What should I do?

Sincerely Concerned

Dear Sincerely Concerned,

Know why they say it's not a good idea to date a neighbor down the hall (or down the street)? Since you can't answer this, seeing as this is an advice column, I'll assume you've responded with, "No, Harlan ... why?" It's because the majority of people who date someone down the hall end up breaking up at some point in the future. Sure, there's always a chance you'll date for a while and get married, but most likely, you'll have an ex living down the hall from you. And that can be very uncomfortable for you and all future significant others. As for whether you should date her, that's your call. I would be a little concerned about dating a recluse. I tend to think women who have a life outside of their rooms are more attractive. Given that she doesn't leave her room, she might not have much going on in her life. This can be good if you want a girlfriend with nothing other than you in her life, but it's not good if you want someone who has outside interests and friends. That said, it's almost the end of the semester, so if you do date, and do break up, you might not be living down the hall next semester.

NAKED minute - Sex on Campus

2010-04-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick video I shot at the University of North Dakota. If you have questions you'd like me to answer while on the road, feel free to ask your question in the comment field and I'll answer it on the road!!!

Hungry For Love? Ask A Man To Share a Meal

2010-04-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I met this guy about two days ago and I like him. I've thought about trying to start dating him. I haven't seen him since I met him and I'm afraid that I'm going way too fast. I'm not even sure that he's interested in me. He did ask for my number and give me his, but I don't know. A lot of people ask for numbers these days, right? Even if they just want to be friends. Should I try asking him out now or should I wait until I get to know him better? I'd like to get to know him better in any case, even if it's just as a friend. I just don't know how to ask him to hang out. What's an appropriate way to ask someone that you just met to hang out? Thanks for listening.

Clueless Crush

Dear Clueless,

Do you ever get hungry? I get hungry. We all get hungry. Talk to this guy. See if he's hungry. He might be STARVING to meet you. Tell him that you should get something to eat together some time. It's not a date; it's just a meal. Keep sharing some meals together. Eventually you can go to a movie after dinner. Who knows, there might even be a kiss too. Just don't forget that you live in a world of options — meaning there are lots of guys who will want your number and be hungry to share a meal with you. Don't worry about him liking you. See if you like him. Then decide if you want to eat together again.

International Student Worries About Racism In America

2010-04-07T12:36:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I am a high-school senior from South Korea, and enjoy your advice very much. I got accepted to Allegheny College in Pennsylvania and plan to go there after my graduation. I haven't been to America in a very long time. I hardly remember anything. If I go there, will I be able to adapt to the new environment? I heard that there still is racism left in some parts of America. How do I deal with that?

Studying Abroad

Hi Studying Abroad,

Thanks for the note! Just like you can find ignorant people in South Korea, you can find people like this in Pennsylvania if you look hard enough. But generally, take comfort knowing that most Americans will be more than happy to have you in their communities. Once you arrive on campus, look for the international student groups and organizations. Consider living with other international students (there could be international housing). Also, look for a spiritual center that has a large Korean population.There are Korean communities all over the United States. One trick to find people of any culture — search to see if there's a specialty market or grocery stores that caters toward a particular population. Typically, specialty markets are located in neighborhoods where there are people who shop there and support it. Once you find a market, you can search for a spiritual center. Then you can find some people who can guide you along the experience. Also, look to the program sending you to the States to find some mentors who have been here and done it. So, the short answer is that I wouldn't anticipate finding too much racism, but you might run into some ignorant people. If you do, please don't let the few ignorant people in the U.S. become a representation of who we are. The majority of us are kind, loving and welcoming people.

Boyfriend's Secret Phone Calls With Ex Are BIG Red Flag

2010-03-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

Last week, I found something I wasn't meant to see. I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been talking inappropriately to one of his female friends. I knew about them talking this way over the phone a while back, but I thought that it was over. Part of me thinks I should forget about it. I've been told that men fall into temptation once in a while. Maybe I should deal with it. I don't want to lose him, but I'm hurt. What do you think I should do?

Caught Up

Dear Caught Up,

This is completely disrespectful and wrong. Temptation is not an excuse to talk dirty and be disrespectful. Men in loving, trusting relationships control their urges. This is not about the way to deal with it. Brushing it off means you think you neither deserve to be respected nor deserve a trustworthy partner. It also means that you think being with someone who disrespects you is better than being single. That's not healthy. I'd tell him what I saw. I'd let him know that it made me uncomfortable and hurt my feelings. I'd ask him to stop. If he can't or won't, then that's a big problem. I know you don't want problems, but he needs to understand that you're not going to allow him to disrespect you — that is, unless you don't mind being disrespected.

Uncircumsised Man Is Scaring Off The Coeds

2010-03-30T10:30:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I am a 20-year-old college student at a very large and popular school. I have been having some problems talking to girls because of a certain situation I just can't seem to get out and talk about. You see, I am uncircumcised, and I think girls would be turned off by it immediately. Not to mention that I think I may have phimosis, where the foreskin is too tight. Should I go see a doctor? What should I do about hooking up with girls? Most of the time they don't notice it, but sometime soon I would want a serious relationship, and I'm not sure how to approach the situation at all.

Uncircumcised

Dear Uncircumcised,

Let's start off with foreskin trivia (who doesn't love foreskin trivia?):

If you meet a woman who has seen six naked men in her lifetime, how many of these naked men would have been uncircumcised? Is the answer one, two, three or four? If you guessed two, you would be the winner!

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, "In 1999, 65.3 percent of all male newborns born in hospitals were circumcised. While the overall percentages of circumcised infants have remained relatively unchanged throughout the past two decades, ranging from a low of 60.7 percent in 1988 to 67.8 percent in 1995, different patterns emerge when these estimates are further examined by race and geographic region." So, being uncircumcised will just make for a conversation. If you're having sex with someone you trust and can talk to, that shouldn't be a problem. As for the phimosis, see a doctor as soon as possible and get a diagnosis. Should this be phimosis, the majority of cases can be treated with a topical cream, but that's for the doctor to determine. If you're not comfortable going to the campus health center, make an appointment with a doctor in the community or go directly to a urologist.

One more thing, if you should meet a woman who has never seen one naked man, circumcised or not, this means you'll be her first. And this means she'll never know the difference.

Annoying Girlfriend Can't Win Over Annoyed Friends

2010-03-25T09:05:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

How do you get your friend to realize that his girlfriend is the most annoying person ever, and that they are not meant to be together? He is dragging all of us down because of her. We can't seem to get it through his head.

Dragging

Dear Dragging,

Sorry man, but you and your friends don't get to pick his girlfriend. Here's something you need to get through your heads — if your friend is happy in a relationship, what kind of annoying and selfish friends are you trying to bust up his happiness? Unless this girl is abusing him, cheating on him or doing something horrible, the fact that she's annoying isn't enough to break them up. If she's that annoying, he'll figure it out. I'm thinking you must be single and your friends must also be single. Single guys don't like it when one of the guys in the group finds himself a girlfriend. It's a no-win for her. Just existing in his life means dragging down the group. Simply being part of his world makes her annoying. How about this — she might think you guys are too selfish to see that they're happy. Give it some time and give him some room to figure out what he wants. One more thing: I wouldn't start calling her names or being rude to her. One day you might fall in love with an annoying girlfriend.

Forcing Friendship Makes Living Together Extremely Uncomfortable

2010-03-24T08:47:00.000-07:00

Hey Harlan,

My roommate is a very respectful guy who is outgoing with everyone. There is one problem, though: We both get very uncomfortable when we are alone together in our dorm. I try to start off conversations, but he usually seems uninterested, and the conversations end very quickly. I have not had any problems with him at all, besides the fact that his side of the room usually is unorganized and messy (as expected, right?). Whenever we are around a group of friends, everything seems to become more comfortable, and he talks to me frequently. I want to be good friends with him, but I don't want to force it. Is this normal, or is this just something to work on?

John

Hey John,

I hate to be the one to tell you, but I think you might be the problem. He's not your spouse; he's just a roommate. He doesn't need to be your friend. Expecting and pressuring him to be your friend probably is what's making things so uncomfortable. He might want just a roommate. The minute you can give him permission to be nothing more than a roommate is the moment it will be less awkward. You even might form a closer friendship. If you want to be the perfect roommate, don't try so hard to be his friend.

Don't Believe Everyone Can Find Love? Think Again

2010-03-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

Please tell Jimmy, the 50-year-old male who wrote to you saying he felt all alone and doesn't have a chance in heck for a relationship, that there is hope. He told you that your advice about there being a lot of people out there looking for him was BS. Well, it's not. Tell him that I am here for him! Where is he? Tell him to take his meds and contact me. I'm 50-something, still single and waiting patiently for Prince Charming. Could it be Jimmy?

Mary in Pa.

Hi Mary,

I can't hook you up with Jimmy. Even if I could, it doesn't feel right, Mary. I do appreciate your letter — it's further validation that there are options for everyone, including Jimmy. I always knew that Jimmy had options, but I'm amazed that there's someone out there who found his bitter and biting look at life inspiring enough to want a date with him. I'm sure Jimmy will be a much more attractive guy once he gets it together, but I'm curious as to why you would be attracted to someone who clearly is feeling ugly, unattractive and unhappy at this point in his life. Do you think it feels safer to date him because a guy like that is more likely to stick around? I mean, if he doesn't have any other options, where's he going to go? I'm just thinking out loud. I find it so fascinating that you would want to meet Jimmy in his current state of being. Here's an idea: Instead of waiting around, put yourself out there for the next 12 months. Try set-ups, online dating, speed dating and participate in events that will put you in the path of men. I know you'll find your prince — and he may even be charming.

Suitmate Suffers From FTD (Flushing Toilet Disorder)

2010-03-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I have a small problem with my suitemate. She doesn't seem to understand the function of a toilet. Actually, she doesn't seem to understand the little lever that makes the toilet flush. Now, I have discussed this with her before, and it all came to become a HUGE problem when I got back to campus first from winter break, and she had used the toilet and didn't flush, which made the toilet mold over inside. We sat down and agreed that this was a gross habit and an issue that must be fixed. Yet she continues to leave the toilet unflushed. What do I do?

Toilet Problem

Dear Toilet Problem,

Let's assume she has a flushing toilet attention-deficit disorder. She might be on the go and forget to flush or not look to see if the first flush finished the flushing. There's nothing pleasant about returning to the toilet and seeing a previous experience waiting for you. Assuming she wants to work through this, ask her for ideas on what can help. Assuming she washes her hands (don't ask, just assume), you might put a little note on the wall or a cute sign near the sink. I found a sign at

A Morning Surprise

2010-03-16T12:50:00.001-07:00

Started the day with a surprise. Saw this picture waiting for me in my email in box from Barnes & Noble (if it's too hard for you to see, there's a cover of my new book, "The Happiest Kid On Campus: A Parents' Guide to the Very Best College Experience (for you and your child) in the "New From Authors You Know" section). Had no idea B & N would be featuring it this week. The new book will be hitting shelves on May 1, 2010. VERY excited to get it out into the world. Next month I'll be doing a lot of work to support the new book. In the meantime, there is a beta website up and running: www.HappiestKidOnCampus.com. There's also a facebook fan page: www.Facebook.com/HappiestKidOnCampus and Twitter Feed: @HappiestKid. Please spread the word.

Also worth mentioning, I'll be updating this blog regularly to share the latest and greatest with you regarding books, events, advice, headlines, and topics relating to my books. I'll let you know about new posts via my twitter feed @HarlanCohen. Thanks!

Taking A Break Means Being Broken, Any Way You Look At It

2010-03-12T13:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I love my boyfriend, but sometimes I want to take a break because of the distance. He doesn't want to take a break. I'm afraid that if I insist on taking a break, he will not want to get back together with me later on, should I realize it was a mistake. What do I do?

Second Thoughts

Dear Second Thoughts,

Let me translate the question:

Dear Harlan,

I love my boyfriend, but I just don't want to date him. I'm too afraid to break up because I don't know if I'll find anyone else, and then I'll be single forever. Should I stay with him even though I don't want to be with him?

When you look at the question this way, isn't the answer obvious? Here's the worst-case scenario: You break up and don't find anyone for a while, and go on new adventures by yourself. You can learn how to make yourself happy and discover new interests that will lead you to someone else who will make you even happier. As for your ex, plan on him dating other women and realizing that there is no one is better than you (smile).

Suspicious Girlfriend Only Thinks Relationship Is Strong

2009-08-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

Right now, I have a very strong relationship with my boyfriend, but the thing is, he has cheated on me in the past. Also, he has a child with the person he cheated on me with (not a product of the cheating — this was before he met me). I just don't know what to do about him. I want to stay with him for a very long time, preferably as a girlfriend and not just his friend. I've talked to him about it, but he sort of brushes it off. (I think the subject makes him nervous.) What should I do? Also, about the issue of cheating: I know you do not know him, but I'm a little worried that my leaving for school in the fall will give him the perfect opportunity to go back to his ex.

Suspicious

Dear Suspicious,

Correction: You think you have a strong relationship — people in strong relationships don't worry about their significant others cheating. Note to yourself: Cheating doesn't equal a strong relationship. I'll be brutally honest with you — leaving town will not encourage him to cheat more. He already has enough encouragement. He knows that if he cheats, you'll just take him back. What's the incentive to be faithful? If you don't trust him, there's no way this will work. Instead of putting more energy into this relationship, I'd figure out why you think this is the best you can do. You're cheating yourself out of a relationship with someone you can trust and who will respect you.

Teen Needs Help Finding Herself After Years Of Abuse

2009-07-15T06:36:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I'm a 17-year-old girl with an ex-boyfriend of the same age. We broke up two weeks ago. He was very possessive and abusive when I was with him. I felt suffocated, but we carried on for two years. I stopped talking to everyone because he wanted me to stop. I felt isolated. I became a person I wasn't. I mean, I used to be this carefree tomboy. Now, I'm like a lost psycho wreck. I keep crying and crying. I don't talk. I just want to sit in the corner and do nothing. I've become a different person. I feel terribly lonely. I keep having suicidal thoughts. Give me a way to get over this, please.

In Pieces

Dear In Pieces,

One way to get over this? Stay away from him. Abusers alienate, isolate and make the abused think they have nothing other than their abuser. Right now, you're not sure who you are because the one defining element in your life is gone — your abuser. Now that he's gone (hallelujah), reclaim your life and redefine who you want to become. You just need help to find the person you lost. This is where a therapist and some group support can help you out. The best part — the new you will become stronger, more confident and more comfortable than you've ever been before. As for these suicidal thoughts, get help as soon as possible. Reach out to the people who can help you find yourself again. Here's a hotline to keep handy just in case: 1-800-SUICIDE.

Father's Financial Free Fall Hits Family Hard

2009-07-15T06:31:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I am in a bad place. I recently found out my parents have been spending too much of their money on my brother and me. They bought us both cars and paid for gas and insurance until a year ago. I insisted they let me start paying for it because I was beginning to realize we had money problems. I am 21 and will graduate college in December. My parents also paid for tuition, room and board, and for me to study abroad. I had no idea these probably were all things they should not have funded. With the downturn of the economy, my dad is making much less money than he used to. He ended up making a job change that was a bad decision. He hates his new job and is making half of what he used to. My mom also works. My dad is so depressed that he will not talk to my mom or me. I haven't been taught much about money and especially not about our financial situation. I feel so guilty for living such luxurious college years when they need the money now. They have done everything for my brother and me. I don't know what to do. I am looking for a second job because my current one is not giving me enough hours. I just feel so horrible and want to help out. When I get a second job, should I start giving them some money? I plan to pay them back in full for what they've spent on my car and college education, but I won't be able to do that for a while. I am thinking about taking out a student loan to pay them for my study abroad and pay it back on top of the loans I'll take out for graduate school. I start applying to schools in the fall and am not sure how much my future debt will be yet, but as of now I am debt-free. How should I treat them in this sensitive state? I saw my dad cry at dinner as they were telling me we have no money. It was so painful. Please write me back. Thank you.

Worried About Parents

Dear Worried,

You might not have financial debt, but you sure have a lot of emotional debt. You seem to think you owe your parents something. Of course, no one wants to see their parents scared and upset, but you've done nothing wrong. This is not your fault. You are NOT responsible. The most powerful thing you can do is let your parents know that their love, support and generosity have been so appreciated. And while a car, laptop and other stuff might be perks, their love and happiness matter most to you. Ask what you can do to help. You can offer to pay them back or help out, but your success and happiness might be payment enough. As for the future, countless students go to college with little or no money, millions work through college and millions more get student loans (a college loan is considered "good" debt). Investigate a graduate program where you can earn a stipend while earning a degree. Some programs actually pay students or waive tuition for students who teach or conduct research. If these feelings don't dissipate, consider getting professional help and suggest that your mom recommend that your dad get some help. The best way you can help is to love your parents, offer help and take care of yourself — taking care of yourself is the greatest gift of all.

Date Rape Comes In All Shapes And Forms

2009-06-01T08:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

This is an important story about my best friend that I wanted to share with others. My best friend and I took a

rape-defense class at the beginning of the year. She later found a great guy to be her boyfriend, or so we thought. Two months into their relationship, they went to a party and she got really drunk — so drunk that she could barely walk. He had to carry her back to the dorm. Instead of bringing her to her room or the common area, he brought her to his room and locked the door. She was uncomfortable, but kept saying to herself, "He won't do anything." But he did. They had not had sex yet. They had not even talked about it yet. She had only had sex one other time, and it was a bad experience. She was conscious enough to ask him to use a condom, but beyond that, she was too shocked to do anything. It was extremely painful and humiliating. He brought her back to her room afterward and acted like nothing had happened. She started experiencing symptoms of

post-traumatic stress disorder. She was obsessed about keeping the door locked, and couldn't sleep. She revealed to me what had happened to her two days after that night. She didn't understand what had happened — that she had been date-raped — but I did. I knew I had to get her professional help immediately so she could understand that it wasn't her fault. I called the emergency mental-health counselor on call that moment, and skipped all my classes the next day to be with her for her checkup and initial counseling. We put a restraining order on the guy, who still hadn't realized what he'd done. All that mattered was making her feel safe. It's been a month and she's still recovering, but I know she's doing much better than she would have been if she had waited to talk to someone. I couldn't have handled it on my own. My point: If you or a friend have ANY doubts as to whether it was rape, seek professional counseling immediately. You can't handle it on your own.

Friend Who's Been There

Dear Friend,

First, thank you for sharing this story. I'm so sorry for your friend's pain. There's no question that she was violated and humiliated in the worst possible way. The only confusing part of the story is that this guy might have thought she was consenting when she said, "Condom." Clearly, she was NOT. But he might not realize how horribly he humiliated and violated her. Then again, he might be completely aware of what he did. A few things I take away: (1) Unless a partner consents with a "YES" while sober, it's not consent. It can be date rape. (2) When a friend is too drunk to speak or walk, only a trusted friend can take care of that friend. (3) Get help if someone has been sexually assaulted. Thanks again for sharing. Your friend is so fortunate to have you in her life. I'm sure this will not be the end of this conversation.

Classroom Crush

2009-06-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

This semester, I fell for a girl in my class. We are members of the same team that works on a project. For a while I debated whether I should ask her out. Throughout the course of several weeks during meetings, I believed us to be casually flirting — nothing serious but enough to where I was very interested and I thought she expressed some interest. After a meeting one day, I asked her if she would like to see a movie. She replied saying she was busy all weekend and didn't think she had the time. While I believe this is typical girl lingo for "I'm not interested," is there any chance? Now at team meetings things are a bit awkward; we no longer talk and she never looks me in the eye. Does she feel bad about saying no, or does she really despise me now? Did I make a huge mistake? I really would like things to be normal again. I want to be friends. I always seem to push things too quickly with girls. Did this happen again and have I totally destroyed what we had? Is it possible to just be friends?

Quick to Act

Dear Quick to Act,

Listen man, she might be dating someone, getting over someone, not looking to date someone, or someone who is a lesbian. You did two things wrong — you didn't give her permission to reject you, and you seemed to lose sight of the fact that you live in a world of options. The more comfortable you can be with all women NOT sharing your feelings, the better the chances that more women will share your feelings in the future. The more comfortable you can be with her NOT wanting you, the easier it is to clear up any confusion without fearing the worst. If you feel the friendship is strained, tell her you never intended to make her uncomfortable and thought it would be fun to get together outside of class. Then she'll either chill out, tune you out or hang out. But you have to be cool being friends and know that you live in a world of options to be her friend and not have her feel like you're passing time until she wants you.

Unemotional Boyfriend Leaves Loving Girlfriend Hanging

2009-06-01T08:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

Why does the boy I'm seeing never show any emotion whatsoever? Seriously, he hasn't said one relationship-related thing to me and always leaves me hanging. I can't seem to get him to open up.

Closed Off

Dear Closed Off,

One idea is to dump him. If he cries or starts throwing things, you'll see that emotion. A less dramatic approach is to recognize that some guys don't know how to express themselves to women or aren't comfortable expressing themselves. Some are afraid; some don't have examples to go by; some don't realize that they're being non-expressive. Pick a time when things are calm and comfortable (not during a fight). Mention that you're unsure of his feelings. If he's been expressing his feelings, you missed it. He might think physical intimacy is expression enough. As his girlfriend, explain why you need something more from him. You don't need a lot, just enough to make it safe for you to be expressive to him. If he can't give you something, that's a problem. Bottom line: If you want an intimate relationship with him, he needs to either express himself with words or make an attempt to open up.

Freshman Year In College Just "OK"

2009-05-14T07:47:00.001-07:00

Hey Harlan,

I'm finishing up my freshman year in college, and it's been an OK so far. I say it's just OK because I've had trouble making friends. Everyone here is so uptight and closed in. In high school, I used to be big man on campus. I knew everyone and everyone knew me. Coming here, I realized that didn't matter and I grew to be OK with it. I remember that during the first days of moving in, I was very open to getting to know people, but people were very rude and mean. It's been like that ever since. I have my roommate to hang out with, and we hang out with some people in our building, but I've realized that they all like to drink heavily and get high. I've already registered next year for housing, and I was thinking about keeping my same roommate because we have a lot of the same interests and we get along well. Any suggestions regarding choosing a roommate and finding the cool people to meet?

Misunderstood

Hey Misunderstood,

You're still the big man on campus. It's just when you're a big man on a bigger campus it's easy to think you're small. Don't forget where you came from and who you are. You are still that same guy. Not being around people who know us best can throw us. It's easy to forget who we are. The first year in college is about getting your feet on the ground. The second year is about hitting the ground running. Ask yourself this question: "What did I love to do in high school?" Find those opportunities on campus. If those opportunities don't exist on campus, you might be on the wrong campus. As for the uptight people, these people tend to be the most insecure and miserable people. Let it go. About your roommate — he'll do, but I'd focus on finding friends outside of your room.

Ignored By Dad

2009-05-14T07:46:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

My dad has a girlfriend who lives 200 miles away. He talks to her on the phone for hours, and I never get to talk to him. I feel like a baby for being jealous of them, but I feel so alone because I have no one to talk to. Another thing is that I have my exams in a few weeks, and everyone in my family thinks I'm really smart and I'll get good grades, but I know I'm going to fail physics and math, and they'll be so disappointed. I'm sorry about the moaning; I just needed to tell someone about my somewhat mundane worries.

Ignored

Dear Ignored,

Teenagers have a way of looking painfully uninterested in talking to parents. Not all dads know that this painful look is just how teens look, even if they are interested. I know, your dad is your dad and he should be the one approaching you, but your dad probably is clueless that you want to talk to him. Tell him. Suggest a dad-daughter dinner night each week. Ask him for his time. As for your bad grades, tell the people giving you the bad grades that you need help. That's really smart. If you don't speak up, no one will know that you need help. While you might think no one wants to hear you moan and groan about your mundane worries, you couldn't be any more wrong. Speak up, and you'll be surprised how eager people are to listen.

TV's 'The Office' Has Nothing On This Toxic Office

2009-05-14T07:45:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

My boss and a co-worker have been in a relationship for two years, and they don't bother hiding that fact too well. She is 17 years older than him and is very controlling. To top it off, she is very unpleasant to begin with, and he seems to be the only person in the office who likes her. Recently, her favoritism has reached a fever pitch. I asked him to help me out with some work, and a few hours later I received a long and demeaning

e-mail saying that his man-hours are only to be used for his specific job description. And just yesterday, she flipped out when a co-worker asked him to drive a client back to his hotel. It's also upsetting that he doesn't stand up for us when she goes on her tirades. Their relationship is disturbing, oedipal and now it's turning the office environment toxic. What actions can I take against this?

Toxic Worker

Dear Toxic Worker,

So, your boss is controlling (some bosses can be that way), your co-worker gets bossed around (some guys like that, call it a fetish) and your boss has favorites (don't we all?). So, the problem? Not all co-workers will support you, some bosses can be horrible bossy people and some offices are toxic. The most important thing is that you get your work done and keep a written record should your job ever become an issue. If you don't like how your co-worker talks to you, nicely offer him a better way to approach you. Office politics can be unfair, office romances aren't always appropriate and office drama can be part of being in an office. If you just can't take it anymore, approach your boss and be prepared to approach her supervisor. But before you do any approaching, make sure you have an exit strategy. Approaching a boss who enjoys bossing people around can make you her new favorite target.

Living In A World Of Options Means Living In A Happy World

2009-05-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

In your opinion, what's the most important thing to know when it comes to a relationship?

Seeking Love

Dear Seeking,

One of the most important things: Never forget that you live in a world of options. If we all knew that we lived in a world where at all times we had 1,000 people waiting in line to love us, adore us and respect us, would we ever put up with anything less than what we deserved? Would we ever allow someone to hurt us, disrespect us, lie to us, ignore us, lead us on, abuse us, alienate us, hurt our friends, our family or treat us any other way than the way we know we deserve to be treated? The answer: NEVER! Living in a world of options gives us the power to see the truth, hear the truth, speak the truth, be true to ourselves, demand respect, command respect and know that who we are with is the best choice for us, not our only choice. The problem is that too many people do not live in this world. They live in a world of few options. As a result, they feel trapped in their relationships. And when people feel trapped, they blame themselves or blame their partners for all that goes wrong. The moment we start feeling trapped is the moment we start to build up resentment. And this is when the relationship starts to veer off track. And if it's off track long enough, a relationship will eat up years and end in a bad breakup. Living in a world of options means living in a hopeful, happier, honest and more loving world.

When Indecisive, Roll Around And See What Sticks

2009-05-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

It's time for me to make my college decision, but I don't know where I want to go. I'm really fortunate and excited about how my college process has turned out. So far, I have been accepted to all 10 colleges that I applied to. I like them all and would be happy at any of them. My dad says if I'm that indifferent I should just flip a coin, but I don't want to do that, because I like them for different reasons. I have my top five reasons that I want to combine into one school. Then cost is a factor also. I'm afraid I'll miss some of the reasons I like at one school by going to another. I'm just really indecisive and want to make the right decision so I can put this behind me and get excited about the college I picked.

Indecisive

Dear Indecisive,

One high-school grad told me the story of his college selection. He was so confused and torn that he placed all of his acceptance letters on the ground and rolled around on top of them. The letter that stuck to him was the school he attended (why he was sticky, I never asked). Before rolling around, I'd visit your top five favorite schools (try to go while class is in session). Visiting each school will give you that indescribable feeling if you belong there. Once you return home, make a list of three areas of interest where you'll find your place once in college (one social, one academic and one spiritual). Then, make a list of three areas of study that interest you. Select the top two schools that meet the criteria, factor in cost and then make a decision. If you're still unsure, talk to random students on campus via Facebook and the admissions office, look to friends with older siblings on campus or ask your high school's college guidance center for help. If you're still unsure, roll around, and go to the one that sticks.

Unemotional Boyfriend

2009-05-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

Why does the boy I'm seeing never show any emotion whatsoever? Seriously, he hasn't said one relationship-related thing to me and always leaves me hanging. I can't seem to get him to open up.

Closed Off

Dear Closed Off,

Rude Roomie Forces Roommate To Vacate While Boyfriend Visits

2009-05-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

My roommate is having her boyfriend over for four days. She told me: "If you feel uncomfortable, you should just leave." What should I do? It's a long time to be away from home. Besides, where does she expect me to go?

Fuming

Dear Fuming,

You could invite a friend or two over to spend the weekend and give her the option of leaving if it makes her uncomfortable. And no, I'm not recommending this. My first thought is that she's rude and selfish. My next thought is that you have a history together and for some reason, she thinks she can be rude and selfish. Which makes me think she's done this before, and you've put up with it. So, I'd start by telling her that you know she's excited, and you would be too, but this situation makes you uncomfortable. In fact, you should have said something to her sooner, but I'm assuming you didn't want to upset her. It's not that she has a visitor, but that the only option she presented to you was you leaving your home. Another option could be that she stay at a hotel, hang out in a friend's room or you leave for a night. So, figure out what you're comfortable doing and make an offer. Negotiate with her. But recognize, this might not be all about her being rude and selfish. She's probably just treating you

how she thinks you like to be treated. This is the perfect time to admit you were wrong for not saying something sooner.

Stinkin' Roommate

2009-05-01T13:50:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

The issue is that my roommate smells so bad. He reeks of body odor, and you can smell it from the hallway. It is horrible. It is not a normal smell. It is so thick and pungent. My other roommate told him that he needs to shower more, so he has a little, but the smell is not going away. His reason for not showering is to save water, which probably applies to laundry as well. He always walks around barefoot, and he wears the same nasty clothes. He has long, greasy hair and is overweight. He claims he doesn't like washing his hair because it looks better unwashed; he likes the way it "falls onto his shoulders." Gross. It is greasy. I have tried Febreze, air fresheners and baking soda, but the couch is soiled with the smell. What should I do so I don't have to suffer this awful stench anymore?

Stinkin' Roommate

Dear Stinkin' Roommate,

You're a beautiful writer. Your description of his odor is rich and colorful. His odor jumps off the page.

One approach is to overpower your roommate's stench by smelling even worse. But that would just make everyone stink and it wouldn't be fair to your neighbors. Another approach would be to cover up the odor with a better odor, but you tried Febreze and it proved an unworthy foe. Yes, I understand that your clean roommate talked to the stinky roommate and the stinky roommate said he's saving water and enjoys a grease-glazed head, but there might be another way to come at this. Approach your stinky roommate from another angle (preferably not downwind). Explain to him that you're worried about him. Seriously, someone this stinky and unmotivated might be suffering from depression or another condition that is limiting his ability to function. If he's not depressed, explain in the clearest term that his hygiene makes life so uncomfortable that unless it changes, you or your roommate will have to move out or ask him to move out. Perhaps some genuine concern and compassion can cut through the odor and clear the air.

Marriage Isn't The Destination

2009-04-30T20:08:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,
I want to be in a serious relationship and I'm ready to get married. How do I find a potential spouse in a college environment, when so many people just want to hook up? I'm ready for something more.

Committed to Committing

Dear Committed,
It's awesome to have goals, but the destination shouldn't be all about getting engaged or even getting married - the destination is the rest of your life. The risk is that when you're so focused on getting married or getting engaged, you can miss out on getting to know if the relationship is built on something solid or just on adrenaline and dreams. Let's say you meet someone and date for six months. Then, you get engaged at six months. Then, you plan a wedding for the next year. The first two years will be pure adrenaline and ramped-up excitement. But then you'll have the rest of your life ahead of you. Unless you've had time to focus on getting to know each other, it's hard to know what you're getting into. Giving yourself time to date, know your partner and know yourself in a relationship is what it's all about. Sometimes people who run fast and furious toward marriage really are running away from being single. Getting married is easy. Staying married, now, that's the challenge. I'd shift your focus to meeting someone you can connect with first. And then, once you get a sense of who he is and who you are with him, consider something more. As for meeting someone, make yourself as available as possible. Use every resource available to you (online dating, blind dates, setups, etc) and put yourself in lots of rooms with lots of people. Go slow, avoid getting physical too fast and demand respect, and you'll find someone who will be yours forever.

Depressed Guy Needs New Doctor And New Attitude

2009-04-29T15:09:00.000-07:00

Hey Harlan,

I'm a 21-year-old guy. I've decided that I'm destined to fail - that seems to be the way it has been for me. Just when I think I've learned and seen the silver lining on the darkest cloud, an even darker cloud seems to come along. I don't laugh anymore. I'm completely self-conscious, self-loathing, full of guilt and filled with resentment. I've traveled overseas, had some great girlfriends and I'm even in college, but everything is tainted. The past, the present and the future are black. I'm on some excellent numbing drugs. I can't cry, even if I really want to. I'm also seeing two psychologists who seem to help for an hour a week, but don't really teach or help me (in the long run). All they do is rattle on about the time their cat took a dump in the kitchen. I need something seriously drastic to happen. It seems that my destiny is failure, depression, no self-esteem, lack and loss and there's nothing I or Dr. Kitchencatcr*p can do about it.

"D"

Dear D,

I've never heard about the psychotherapy model involving cat feces in the kitchen - clearly, it doesn't work. I've spoken to hundreds of mental health professionals through the years. Some therapies work for some people, but few work for all. It depends on their style, approach, expertise, voice, gender and specialty. The first suggestion: Consider finding a new psychologist (don't stop until you find the right fit). The second suggestion: Shift your attitude. This failure thing is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, adopt the philosophy of imperfection; I'm a lifer. Instead of comparing yourself with everyone around you and trying to be perfect, the imperfectionist strives to be his or her own personal best. When things don't go perfectly (life rarely does), the imperfectionist embraces the good and moves forward. Ironically, the imperfectionist is perfect. Consider these two suggestions and try to let some new light into your dark world.

Strong Private Odors

2009-04-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I'm not sure how to approach this situation. How do you tell a girl that her private parts have a rather strong odor? I'm not sure how to do it without making us both feel uncomfortable. Help!

Strong Scented

Dear Strong Scented,

Let's start with what you should avoid doing. Never tell your friends about this (no good can come from this). Never put it in your Facebook updates (that's just cruel). Never bring it up during an intimate moment (wrong time). Never bring it up during an argument (again, wrong time). Never use loaded words like "disgusting" or "stink." The way to approach this is to come at it from a loving place. Find a time when you're fully clothed and in a comfortable place together (not on the phone). Tell her how much you care about her and the relationship. Then mention the problem and that you didn't know if this was normal. Explain that sometimes a strong odor can be a sign of a medical condition and you wanted to let her know because you were concerned. Sure, she might get uncomfortable (I get upset when people tell me my breath stinks), but I guarantee that she will deal with the situation. Approaching her from a loving place can make an uncomfortable situation as comfortable as it can be. Whatever you do, tell her! If you don't say anything, she'll never know that there is a problem and then the problem will follow her from relationship to relationship.

Shopping For Engagement Rings With Your Man Can Be Shocking

2009-04-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

Do you think it's proper for a couple to go ring shopping together before a guy proposes, so that he as idea of what the girl likes? We haven't gotten engaged yet, but I wasn't sure how a guy feels about the shopping part of getting a ring.

Not Quite Engaged

Dear Not Quite Engaged,

I'd say it wouldn't be appropriate to go shopping for an engagement ring on a first date. Once you know where this thing is going, it's entirely proper. If you do go shopping, expect him to be overwhelmed. It might have nothing to do with being freaked out about marrying you. We don't know about the 4 C's of diamond shopping (cut, clarity, color and carat weight). We don't know the difference between antique settings, contemporary settings or classic settings. Side stones, white-gold or platinum rings — these are not familiar to us. Then there's the wedding band to go with the ring. Of course, it has to match the engagement ring (we didn't know). Then there's the price of the ring. Sticker shock! We need some help and we need you to be patient. Some things to keep in mind when shopping with your man: Make sure he knows that size doesn't matter. Smaller diamonds can be brilliant. Saving money for things like a down payment on a house or a car also can be brilliant. Don't just try on the most expensive rings (fun for you, not fun for a guy on a budget). Avoid talking about your friend's rings (he doesn't care). Don't get set in your settings. Give him some flexibility so he can have a little control (or the illusion of control). And never force him to go shopping. Not cool. You can always pull pictures from a magazine and put it in a place where he can easily find it when he's ready to shop for a ring and pop the question.

Smart Professors Know That Even The Smartest Students Ask Dumb Questions

2009-04-22T19:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I often want to talk to professors about intellectual ideas, but I find myself clamming up and feeling extremely vulnerable when I go to talk to that person. I'm OK in class and in a lot of social situations, but then I go to talk to a professor, and it seems like I'm hypervigilant and looking for any sign that the person doesn't really want to hear my question and discuss it. I wind up leaving professors' offices without asking the questions that are really on my mind. So I retreat to sending e-mails instead. I know e-mails aren't as good as, or as satisfying as, face-to-face conversations, so I try to do the face-to-face thing, but then I clam up. It feels so stupid - all I'm doing is talking about intellectual things, not personal stuff. Yet it feels like I'm talking about personal stuff in the way that I feel like I'm taking a risk in opening myself up to the other person intellectually. It's really making it hard for me to get the mentoring I need in graduate school. I love what I'm doing in graduate school, but I really could use some mentoring to help keep me moving toward my goals.

Need Help

Dear Need Help,

Unless you get the dumb things out, the smart stuff won't be able to get out either. See, it's like your intellectual plumbing gets clogged. If students knew everything, there would be no need for professors. And it's the students who know the least who are the most valuable for professors, so talk to them. If your professor makes you feel like you're stupid, tell your professor that the way he or she responded made you uncomfortable. Then tell him or her how you get intimidated when approaching but you want to have a good relationship. Once your fear is out in the open, you'll be able to talk freely. If you find that your professor is a totally insensitive SOB, find another student or someone else in the department to help.

Recognize Warning Signs of Suicide

2009-04-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I met "Jay" when we were undergrad students. He was a much older, nontraditional student, but we became good friends. For the past couple of years, he's been making comments implying - sometimes directly, at other times indirectly - that he's thinking of committing suicide. He's said things about taking a gun and shooting himself (and he does own a gun), and at other times asking what's going to become of his dog after he, Jay, is gone. Last December, he mentioned that he doesn't think he's going to be alive next Christmas. I've tried to encourage him and have prayed for him, and for a while he made less of those comments. Next month, I'm due to leave the Seattle area to go to a school 3,000 miles away. He's been making more of those suicidal comments again, and has been implying he'll kill himself after I'm gone. I told him he's welcome to come along with me when I move, but he declined. I'm planning on informing one of his brothers about things, so that someone else who's close to him is aware of this. But is that enough? I don't think Jay talks to anyone except to me about considering suicide.

Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned,

He has a plan, a timeframe and a weapon - all frightening warning signs that Jay is in SERIOUS danger. Alerting his brother is just the start. There are crisis counselors, doctors, survivors, hotline workers - the list goes on. Jay has more people to talk to than he can imagine. You and his brother need to show him and get him talking to them. That's what anyone with a suicidal friend must do. The most helpful things you can do are to NOT be his only resource and to connect him to people who can help. For warning signs and information on what you can to help, visit: www.hopeline.org. For immediate help (in the U.S.) contact 1-800-SUICIDE.

Major Problem

2009-04-15T13:50:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I've never known what I really wanted to major in at college. I've suggested things, but once I suggest them, my parents latch on to the ideas and make anything else I suggest sound stupid. I think it's because of the money I could possibly make in my current major. (I recently wanted to be a psychologist or a pharmacist.) Once I actually got to school and started taking the courses, I realized that I HATED the thing that I was going to have to do for the rest of my life. I mentioned this to my parents, and that I wanted to change majors and become a history major. I told my grandma, and she got angry and hung up on me. My dad was so upset that he had to excuse himself off the phone. I know it's my life and my education, but I should be able to choose what I want to do without feeling like this (especially since I'm paying most of everything myself). I want to change my major, but I also don't want my parents to hate me or be disappointed in me. Since the phone calls, I've been really depressed and cry a lot because I know they're disappointed and angry. Help!

Major Problem

Dear Major Problem,

Instead of your parents (and grandma) saying what they feel, they just stomp their feet and give you the silent treatment. When a parent (or a grandparent) acts like an immature child, the kid has to act like the mature adult.

They think you're making a decision that is going to ruin your life. Maybe, if they knew what a history major could do with a history degree, they could see that you're not doomed. Educate your parents and map out the career path you can pursue and the jobs available. But first, educate yourself by finding a professor or adviser who can guide you and speak to your families' insecurities. Once their tantrums subside, ask them to explain to you why they're so upset. Then explain why this change is the best decision for you and include the career paths of previous history grads. If they still can't support you, lean on your professors, advisers and fellow students along the way. It might take seven years and a law degree for your family to support you, but until then, you have to do what YOU want to do. Being miserable to make them happy would be miserable.

Super Cute Girl Needs Help With Crush

2009-04-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

Hey Harlan,

There is this guy in my history class who is a super-cute guy and pretty serious with school. I want to strike up a conversation with him, but I can't find anything to talk about with him. I want to get to know him well, and maybe make the move, and ask if he wants to hang out sometime. So, what do guys like to talk about with girls? I enjoy sports and he is going out for baseball! Or maybe there is a place or group I could ask about this kind of stuff you might know of or recommend. Plus, I am a sophomore and this is the first year in high school that I'm liking someone special.

Heidi

Dear Heidi,

You've always got history and that's at least 2009 years. Here, I'll give you something even better than history to help. Give him permission to NOT want you as a girlfriend. See, the reason you're not able to talk about anything is because you're too busy worrying if he likes you. If you can give him permission to NOT want you, then you'll have room in your head to think clearer. Then you can talk to him about your life, his life or Rihanna and Chris Brown's life. (Note: NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE HIT OR HIT IN A RELATIONSHIP). Just understand that some guys get scared of women. Therefore, it might take time for him to get comfortable opening up.

High-School Students Get Nervous After Visiting Future College

2009-04-13T08:44:00.000-07:00

Hi Harlan,

I'm a senior in high school and very much ready to graduate. I just visited a large university last week, the university I'm most likely attending next year. I'm sure it will be a great choice for me. However, until I visited, I never realized how nervous I am about all of it. None of my girlfriends from high school are going there with me, and up until now, I've been glad. I realize how important it is to make new friends and all, but seeing how big this place is and how many people there are overwhelms me. I'm a very likable and fun person, but also very shy and known to seclude myself when I'm not with my good friends. I'm beginning to feel very unsure of myself making friends and meeting people. Is there anything you can tell me to calm my nerves and give me confidence that everything will be fine?

Senior in High School

Hi Senior,

There are tens of thousands of students like you in high schools all over the country reading this thinking, "Phew! She feels that way too!" Just about everyone gets nervous. And if you're nervous and they're nervous, no one has anything to be nervous about. All everyone has to do is put themselves in rooms where they can meet one another. This means getting comfortable in your role as a new student who doesn't know people. See, the role of being a freshman in college is to NOT know people. Your good friends are out there, you just need to give them a year or two to get to meet you. Use this time during the summer to find places and activities that will force you to be with other girls. Pick three or four clubs, activities and organizations that will force you to be in rooms with people, and you will meet people. Problem solved.

Stinkin' Roommate Smells VERY Bad

2009-04-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

Stinkin' Roommate

Dear Stinkin' Roommate,

You're a beautiful writer. Your description of his odor is rich and colorful. His odor jumps off the page.

grease-glazed head, but there might be another way to come at this. Approach your stinky roommate from another angle (preferably not downwind). Explain to him that you're worried about him. Seriously, someone this stinky and unmotivated might be suffering from depression or another condition that is limiting his ability to function. If he's not depressed, explain in the clearest term that his hygiene makes life so uncomfortable that unless it changes, you or your roommate will have to move out or ask him to move out. Perhaps some genuine concern and compassion can cut through the odor and clear the air.

Smart People Make Some Of The Smartest Addicts

2009-04-10T08:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I have problems with depression, alcohol abuse and marijuana. I can never find the motivation to clean my house or do my laundry. I'm very unhappy about where my life is going, and I feel like I'm losing all my friends because they all think I'm a bad person. I'm a smart guy — is there a book or something I can find practical advice from to help me help myself?

Barely Functioning

Dear Barely Functioning,

The book would be the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book (4th Edition), but you need more than a book. The loss of friends, lack of motivation, and alcohol and drug abuse is more than a problem — it sounds like an addiction. If you don't think smart people can become addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, love, etc., you must be in the midst of addiction. Some the most intelligent, talented and brilliant minds become powerless to all kinds of addictions. The fact that you're so smart and feel so out of control should be the thing that gets you to a group meeting and to a therapist who specializes in addiction. Get some help. Then get all the books you need to get back to where you want to be.

Attention Smart Readers: Please share books and recovery programs that have helped you or a loved one manage addiction.

Touchy Principal

2009-04-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I'm a 14-year-old girl and feel very uncomfortable around my male principal. For a long time I've had the feeling that he's a sexual harasser. Since, I had no facts to base my feelings. I had convinced myself that I must be crazy - that is until a few weeks ago. I had just finished performing an act in my school play and had crept into the back of the theater to watch another scene on stage. Then, I felt HIS hands massaging MY shoulders and he was saying "Good job. I'm so proud..." When he's around I feel my stomach tie in knots and my heart starts to pound. I can't even look him in the eye. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I'm afraid that if I tell someone at school they will do nothing about it or tell me that I'm overreacting. I would feel even more uncomfortable having to face him at school if I reported it and it was nothing. What should I do?

Afraid to tell

Dear Afraid,

If you're feeling even a little uncomfortable that's a big deal and that's something that absolutely can't be ignored. If it feels wrong, it's definitely wrong. The reality is that you're probably not the first to feel this way and you probably won't be the last. Listen to the voice inside and share your feelings with an adult you can trust. Try talking to your mom or your dad or a teacher or counselor at school. Tell whoever you speak with exactly what you written to me and ask them to keep your name confidential. When ANYONE touches you in way that puts your stomach in knots - it's a big deal. Even if your principal's intentions were the most innocent, he would want to know that he's making one of his s feel so incredibly uncomfortable. It's important you share how you feel. Trust your feelings and you will never go wrong!

Abused Teen is Scared... Again

2009-04-08T08:41:00.001-07:00

Hi Harlan,

I am 18 years old and am a senior in high school. I am dealing with so many stresses in my daily life, and I just recently met back up with my biological mother after six years. I had a stepfather who abused me a lot, and he just recently got out of jail. My mother is scared he will come back to harm her or me. I don't seem to know what to do. What would you do? And how do I get over something as scarring as abuse?

Child Troubled from Abuse

Hi Troubled,

I can't even begin to know what I would do. All I know is that there is one thing I've seen other survivors do that helps — and that's to NOT keep the abuse a secret. Keeping it all a big secret means holding onto the pain. Let it go and start sharing with the people who can help. Talk to a teacher or counselor at your high school and ask to be connected to a professional who can listen and help. Then ask to be connected to a support group. A support group can help you feel connected, draw strength from other people's victories and struggles and get help when you need it most (should you need it). I don't think "getting over it" should be your goal. Instead, living with this, accepting that it's happened and not allowing the past to dictate your future is a better goal. With help and support, instead of running from the past, you can live your life in the present. This should relieve a lot of your stress. Visit childhelp.org or call 1-800-4-A-Child to find additional help and resources.

West Point Calls, 17-Year-Old Must Decides Whether Or Not To Answer

2009-04-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I am a 17-year-old high-school student with some big concerns about college. I got accepted to the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, and I am having a hard time deciding what school to choose. I never expected to get into USMA, so I never expected to have to make such a tough choice between USMA and a normal college. I have always wanted to go into the military and get a good education somewhere, and USMA provides both. I am not 100 percent sure about what I want to do for the rest of my life. Any advice in making this tough choice?

Potential West Pointer

Dear Potential West Pointer,

For those unfamiliar with the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, according to the USMA Web site: "By law, graduates of West Point are appointed on active duty as commissioned officers and serve in the U.S. Army for a minimum of five years." Students also get free tuition, room, board, health, dental and a minimum salary of about $6,500 (to help with other expenses). This means that by the time you're 27, you will have a top-notch education, no debt and a lifetime of experiences. If you're interested in the military, this is amazing. If not, it's the wrong fit. I would do five things before making your decision. (1) Find current students and ask questions. (2) Find West Point grads currently in the military and ask questions. (3) Find West Point grads who fulfilled their obligation and are working in the private sector and ask them questions. (4) Find West Pointers who didn't fulfill their obligation and ask questions. (5) Follow your heart. Do your research, listen to your voice inside and never look

back at your decision with regret.

Guilty Girl Can't Choose a Guy

2009-04-08T08:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

There are two guys at my school that I like, and they like me. I started dating one of them and then I started to like the other one more. I did this twice. I only saw that I was hurting them both, so I took some time to think, and I chose the second boy. Now that we are dating, it's really awkward for me. I don't know why — maybe it's because he can see himself marrying me and being with me forever. And that scares me. I like the first guy, and I want to end it with the second one, but I don't know how I am going to do that without the guilt of hurting him so bad. I just need help.

Avoiding Guilt

Dear Avoiding Guilt,

Guilt means that you've done something wrong. Being honest isn't wrong.Leading someone on is wrong. The right thing to do is be honest. That can mean feeling bad, but there's no reason to feel guilty. Given that you're friends, you can be brutally honest. This isn't tragic. But I wouldn't expect him to be your friend. I also wouldn't expect him to encourage you to date his friend. If you respect him, be honest with him.

Victims Of RBS (Rejection By Silence) Sound Off - part 2

2009-04-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

You thanked this girl ("Next2Nothing") after she led this guy on and didn't have the heart to tell him. Do you serve cookies and milk to every letter-writer? She screwed with this poor guy, and you should have told her to stop it. You should have come down like a ton of bricks on this behavior, or at least said that if she is not old enough to tell someone she is not interested, then she is not old enough to date — whether she is 14 or 44. If you are going to be an enabler for poor behavior because some people just don't have the guts to face life, then you really should get out of the "helping" business — because you are not helping.

Helping or Hurting?

Dear Helping or Hurting,

If I knew you better I'd get some milk and cookies and have you sit down with the women who wrote the original letter. Then you two could both enjoy some delicious milk and cookies together. You could sit there and yell, shame her and make her feel terrible for being brutally honest with the world. And then, when you're finished, she can go back to her life having learned nothing other than why it's important to keep her feelings a secret. I, on the other hand, think it's helpful not to make people who share shameful secrets feel worse about themselves. In this case, I think it's really valuable that we know that rejection by silence is most often not about us being horrible or unattractive. It's about someone not knowing what he or she wants or not recognizing our value. I thanked her because the sooner we can embrace this simple fact, the more forgiving we can be of the world when things don't go our way.

Victims Of RBS (Rejection By Silence) Sound Off - part 1

2009-04-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

The letter from "Next2Nothing" touched a nerve for me. As a victim of RBS (Rejection By Silence), I feel that it's important to emphasize that silence is the most hurtful way to reject someone. When I was 16, a boy who was completely enamored with me approached me. We talked every day and would spend time together whenever we could. I really believed he liked me, but when he started to push my limits (sex-wise) and I didn't comply, he turned completely weird. After three months of happiness, he cut me off completely with no warning at all. If he had been straight with me from the beginning, I could have saved myself a lot of pain and confusion. People who do this need to know that when they decide to break up and don't explain why, they only prolong the other person's pain.

Resentful

Dear Resentful,

The people doing this do not have all the power. Those who use RBS are the insecure and weak ones. For example, had you been able to accept that some guys use rejection by silence NOT because you're unattractive or undesirable, but because they are too weak and insecure to share their feelings, this would have changed everything. Just because a guy uses RBS doesn't mean a girl must remain silent. There's nothing wrong with approaching a guy and saying, "Why did you reject me?" The problem is that most people who are rejected by silence are afraid to hear the truth. My point — instead of giving the rejectors all the power, survivors of RBS can take back the power and make some noise.

Nervous Sex

2009-04-07T07:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I was in a committed relationship that lasted more than two years. She was the first woman I had sex with. Between her family moving away and a long-distance relationship in college, we decided to just be friends and still keep in touch. Now, I am starting to get serious with another lady after being single for about eight months. Things are going great and we are growing really close to each other, as well as to having sexual experiences. This time around I'm nervous — nervous that I'm not very good at sex, nervous that it will not be very good for her, and that I won't be able to perform. All these thoughts are running through my mind when we are intimate. Am I doing this wrong?

Committed College Student

Dear Committed,

You're doing it too fast. Let me clarify — you're not doing IT too fast — you are going too far physically too fast. The most intense part of an intimate relationship isn't the physical connection, it's the emotional connection. Connecting emotionally means encouraging her to be who she is and her wanting you to be who you are. It means talking about your likes and dislikes while clothed and unclothed. It means getting comfortable with the uncomfortable, knowing that what you share will bring you closer — not push you apart. Keeping secrets is what causes break-ups. For all you know, your new girlfriend is secretly feeling just as insecure about her performance and wants to be with a man who she can talk to. When you do this talking, make sure to also talk about birth control, sexual souvenirs and anything else that's on your mind.

Survivors Of Broken Engagements Share How To Pick Up The Pieces- part 2

2009-04-04T08:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

This is in response to the person who is suffering after a broken engagement and feels there is no happiness in life. Many years ago, I was in a similar situation. I was so heartbroken I thought nothing mattered. Finally, it dawned on me that I felt so bad I had nothing more to lose — which, if you think about it, is a tremendously freeing idea. Nothing to lose! I could do anything because I had absolutely nothing to lose! It had become clear that wallowing in my misery wasn't productive, so I decided to completely change my life — and since I had nothing to lose I had no fear. I started taking night classes at the local university, just to experiment. I started going on long walks to induce fatigue so I could sleep better, then bought a bicycle to expand my range geographically. Slowly, I started to feel better. I was intellectually stimulated, in good shape from all the exercise and developed a better sense of what kind of career and life I really wanted. It was quite a while before I dated again, and initially it didn't go very well. But eventually I fell in love again — next year we celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. So, believe in yourself — and remember that if you feel like you've hit the bottom, things can only go up from there.

Better Than Ever

Dear Better,

Profound and true — things will get better. I think that's a message everyone who has lost a job, an engagement, love or hope can hold on to. Thank you.

Survivors Of Broken Engagements Share How To Pick Up The Pieces - part 1

2009-04-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

This letter is in response to "Hurting Bad," the woman who felt devastated by the breakup of her engagement. I too suffered a broken engagement, then lost my father to cancer three weeks later. So many things change — the way you spend your time is a big one. No longer is there a relationship with someone to do things with. No longer is there a fun hobby of planning a wedding. The largest loss though, is the loss of the dreams and future vision of a life with this person. Not knowing what will replace this vision is difficult to overcome. Fear of the unknown can drive a person with extra time on their hands crazy. Here's what worked for me: I tried very hard to stay as busy as possible. I gardened, I baked, I exercised, I spent a lot more time cultivating friendships and picked up extra shifts at work. Time truly is the best healer. For fear of getting into a rebound relationship, I did not date for nine months. I look back now and realize that it was for the best that we didn't get married. I grew in so many ways from that experience. My life would be so different if I would have married that man. Although "Hurting Bad" may not be ready to hear this, there are others out there. I found mine three years later and am now happily married with four children.

Dear MJ,

This broken engagement just made you better, hotter and richer. I love it. As a result of this broken engagement, you put a better you out there into the world. You turned into a toned and fit gardener, baker and independent woman. At the time, I'm sure it was hard to see, but it's reassuring for everyone to hear. Thanks for the note!

Being Drunk Is Not An Excuse For Having Sex

2009-04-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

While I was on a relationship break with my boyfriend, he ended up having sex with a girl who had a crush on him. He claims that there were no feelings involved, and to be frank, she kind of took his pants off and got on top of him while he was lying down. I heard somewhere that being drunk doesn't make you have sex, but that it's the feelings that take place before having sex. Is that really true? Is it possible to have drunk sex with someone you don't want to have a relationship with and/or like? Can it really be "an accident" if someone else makes the first move?

Ex Sex

Dear Ex Sex,

An accident would be two cars bumping on a slippery road at an intersection, not two drunk people bumping in bed after getting sloshed at a bar. If he didn't want to have sex and she took his pants off, it's not called an accident — it's called assault. A better description of this event would be "poor judgment." As for having sex void of meaning and a future, that's definitely possible. But this

doesn't mean that once the sex ends, the relationship is in the past. Pregnancy, sexual souvenirs and hurt feelings can keep people connected long after the buzz wears off and the clothes go back on.

Living With High-School Girlfriend Is Last Resort

2009-04-02T08:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

My boyfriend and his mother have recently gotten into an argument. In my opinion, she is a horrible mother. She constantly tells him how much she hates him and how much she can't wait until he moves out. (He'll be 18 in six months.) She said she was going to lie to the police telling them that he hit her, even though he never did. She even told him and his other two siblings that she wishes that she'd gotten three abortions. How can I persuade my parents to let him live with us? What's the best way, and is it possible? My boyfriend's father wants him to stay, but I really don't think it's good for him or our relationship. His mother basically is keeping him away from me because she doesn't think that he deserves to be in a relationship that is as good as the one we have. What should I do?

Concerned Girlfriend

Dear Concerned,

You have the best intentions, but living with a high-school boyfriend (or girlfriend) is just not the best idea. It's one idea, but there are better ones. He can live with a close friend, a family friend, a relative or on his own (you don't always have to be 18 to be recognized as an adult). Living with you has the potential to create more problems for everyone involved. If he's in danger, he needs help. And that would mean getting professional support. This is where

high-school counselors and parents can be very helpful. Want to help? You or your parents can contact the school counselor, principal or state agency to get your boyfriend the help and support he needs. This is too big for you to fix alone.

Sister Dates Sister's Friends And Leaves Wake of Destruction

2009-04-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

Hello Harlan,

My problem is with my older sister. About two years ago, my sister dated my boyfriend's brother for about six months and it ended VERY badly. My boyfriend and I asked her and his brother not to date because she was going through a divorce with a guy who has been friends with my boyfriend and his brother since high school. Everyone knew everyone. Recently, my sister started dating another one of my friends. This friend and I happened to have had a few sexual encounters about three years ago and have been friends for about eight years, even after we slept together. Now he is dating my sister, and I can't help but feel really weird about it. My sister knows about us sleeping together and it doesn't seem to bother her or him. But I feel very uncomfortable when he comes over to hang out with her. Oh, by the way, my sister and I live together, so it's in my face. I value my group of friends and I love my sister, but I wish she would just stay away from them, at least romantically. What can I do? Please help!

Seething Sister

Hello Sister,

At least she's consistent and predictable. No, this is not cool, but she's looking for a love connection. And really, it can be hard to meet people. She probably thinks you're selfish for not wanting her to find happiness (no, I'm not defending her, just sharing her possible point of view). Here's what I would do. First, I would consider moving out. The last thing you need is a roommate (and sister) who dates all your friends and thinks there's nothing wrong with that. Next, I'd explain how uncomfortable this makes you and why. Don't tell her what she's done wrong; explain how uncomfortable this situation makes you feel. Then, I would make it clear to your former "friend with benefits" and sister that if things go bad, you are not going to take sides or get involved. Set

Newly Single Student Should Savor Every Minute

2009-03-31T07:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I just got out of a two-and-a-half-years relationship that was very much me and my ex and our little love story. I didn't give up school or the chance to study abroad (or maintaining a rather high GPA), but I ignored most of my friends. Now I'm a second-semester senior who's pretty darn lonely. I feel like I'm starting over from scratch in terms of looking for new people to hang out with. I have two actual friends left - one of whom is in her own relationship - but as much as I try, I can't fight off the feeling that everyone already has their group and I should just put my nose to the grindstone for the next few months and call it a loss.

- Lonely but Liberated

Dear Liberated,

There's nothing lost here. This is all a big win. I'm SO excited for you. The possibilities are endless. You can travel and see friends on other campuses. You can get a fun part-time job using your newfound extra time (the job can pay for the trips). You can attend activities and events you never attended in the past (go on your own or invite people from class who look interesting). You can take up yoga or pilates or something active at the gym (go on your own and meet people). You can go on an adventure trip (hiking, rock climbing, etc.). You can go on an alternative spring break (driving in a car for hours will help you bond quickly). You can date and fall in love. This time is a huge gift. Not everyone has 15 friends to hang out with (I never did). And the people who do mostly only feel connected to a few of them. When you're doing all these cool things, forget about what people think. Who cares what they think? Give everyone permission to think you are the most independent, adventurous, exciting, dynamic and free-spirited woman. This time is a gift. Love every minute!

Pain From Broken Engagement Is Unbearable

2009-03-26T07:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

My fiance just left me, and my heart hurts so bad I feel like ripping it out of my chest. I want to die, but I know I will hurt more people if I kill myself, so I don't want to do that. What should I do to help heal my heart?

Hurting Bad

Dear Hurting,

The pain is real. The pain is deep. But the pain will give way to new love. Do not let the end of this relationship take you from this world. There are so many people who want the chance to love you. Reach out and get professional help. If you just can't see hope beyond the pain, contact the Hopeline at: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433). In the meantime, I invite anyone who has gone through this and found happiness beyond the pain to share. I'll include replies here in the column and on my new blog at

HelpMeHarlan.com.

Freshman At Big Party School is Ready For The Party To End

2009-03-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

Hi Harlan,

I'm currently a freshman at a big party school and can't help but wonder if transferring is the right choice for me. You see, when I first came to school it was a lot of fun. What I mean is going out on the weekends and drinking. Now that the semester is over, I'm not so much into the whole drinking scene. How do I meet people who like to drink occasionally instead of all the time? Also, I would like to know if transferring is something you shouldn't do in your first year of college, I'm not quite sure if this is a learning experience and if transferring would be the wrong choice.

Out of Place

Dear Out of Place,

If you're tired of drinking, it's safe to assume there are thousands of yous out there (people, like you, not "ewes," the name for a female sheep). I say give it a year before heading to the U of Comfort. The sober people are out there - in classes, in organizations, at the gym, in the residence halls, at parties. They're just harder to find because they aren't as loud and annoying. Before transferring, make sure you've done everything you can to make your new home comfortable. Yeah, you can always transfer to a place where you already have friends, but that's too easy. If after a year, you want to leave, then go. Just make sure you know why you're going; otherwise you might transfer the problem with you.

Child of Divorce Needs Your Help

2009-03-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,
I am a sophomore in college, and my parents announced this summer that they are getting a divorce after 22 years of being married. It's not a shock to me at all, but it does affect me emotionally and my relationships. I see a counselor at school, but I'm not sure where to begin in healing how hurt I am by their separation. Any tips?

D in College

Hey D in College,

Seeing a counselor is the perfect place to start. Another suggestion (courtesy of a girl who had a similar experience) is a book called "The Love They Lost: Living with the Legacy of Our Parents' Divorce" by Stephanie Staal. In the meantime, I'll post your note and see if I can get more suggestions on books that can help.

ATTENTION READERS:
Have a book that's helped you? Please post it below.

How Long Is Too Long To Date Your High-School Honey?

2009-03-19T07:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now. He's still in high school, and I'm a freshman in college. We started dating at the beginning of my senior year of high school. I love him with all my heart, and he loves me, too. We've been doing just fine, and the long-distance relationship (I'm at an out-of-state school) has been working out with no problems. The only thing is, I don't know if we should take a break to see other people. I know I love him, but how long do you stay with someone? I know college is a great time to meet new people, but I also don't want to lose my boyfriend. Should we take a break when he leaves for college next year? Or should we stay together and see how it goes?

Staying Together

Dear Staying Together,

Sure, dating someone your entire life can work out amazingly well for some people, but it's really hard to grow as an individual when you're connected to someone while so young. Forget meeting people. How about getting to know yourself better in college? You can stay close with him. You can always get back together with him. This isn't about dating or hooking up; it's about you getting to know yourself as an individual and him knowing getting to know himself. The more you know yourselves independently, the more confidence you will have in knowing what you want and whether this relationship can give you both want you want. He might be scared, and you might be scared. But it's normal to be scared. Listen to what you're telling yourself. You might need to take some time to be with yourself. That's not a bad thing — just a scary thing.

Angry Boyfriend Shows More Than Signs of Abuse, He's Abusive

2009-03-16T07:56:00.001-07:00

Dear Harlan,

Four days ago I left my boyfriend. He has trouble managing his anger, and he yells at me at least once a day, often more than that. I got to the point where I was crying all of the time. I began thinking frightening things about wanting to die, and then I finally broke down, packed all of my stuff and told him I needed time away. Now I'm staying with my sister. I've called him two times since, and we've talked about a lot. He threatened to cheat on me. He said that he can't just sit and wait around. He keeps saying that I "let him down" because I threw away all the plans we had made when I left. But I was scared. Today I told him that I need one more week, and then I will go back to him. He agreed. My sister is furious. She says that he is manipulative and shows early signs of abuse. I know I am better off without him, but I still want to go back. What should I do?

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

Come close to the page. I want to whisper something to you. When getting abused is easier than being alone, you NEED to be on your own. If you can't, you need professional help. It's perfectly OK that you let him down and ruined his plans - plans of yelling at you, making you feel worthless and beating you down so you feel like no one else will want you. He needs a new plan, and you need to plan a life without him. Lean on your sister and a therapist who can help you with your planning.

Friendly Neighbor with Benefits Wants Roommate's Benefits too

2009-03-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I've got a neighbor with whom I'm "friends with benefits." My roommate knows nothing about this situation, and I do not want to tell her because she has been trying to enjoy our neighbor's "benefits." She'd be very angry if she found out. Lately, my neighbor has been hitting on my roommate and making some not-so-subtle suggestions that they should be involved in some hanky-panky of their own. It grosses me out and angers me to think that he wants to have those types of relations with both of us. He does not understand why this bothers me. I do not want a serious love relationship with him, because he is a MAJOR player and I do not want to get hurt. I would like to continue the "friends with benefits" thing, but only if he stays away from my roommate. He can be with other people, just not someone so close to home. Should I end it, or tell my roommate and let him face her wrath?

Scamming Friend

Dear Scamming Friend,

He doesn't understand that you're bothered, because he's probably never listened to you. And he doesn't have any reason to; you're just another girl to have sex with. Tell your roommate what's happening - not because he'll face her wrath (you might face some of it, too), but because he's treating you like a piece of meat and using you. Then, tell this guy that you are finished. He's no great prize. One last thing: There is a very real risk that your player could have left you some sexual souvenirs from the field. Herpes, HPV (human papillomavirus, the virus that causes genital warts), chlamydia, HIV and others can all spread without the person spreading it ever even knowing. Get checked.

It's Not About Porn, But How He Uses It

2009-03-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Harlan,

I recently married the person of my dreams. Every aspect of our relationship seems to be more than perfect, except one very important issue. He looks at porn and has naked pictures of his ex-girlfriends. If I ask him about it, he always tells me the truth - even when he knows that I will be upset. I've been dissatisfied with our intimate relationship for a while, but he keeps telling me it will get better. It never does. I reached my breaking point after walking in on him looking at porn - after not having had sex for a long time. I have been trying to be supportive and help him through this stressful period (he's been looking for a new job and interviewing). I have expressed this to him, but he tells me he's just releasing stress and that it has nothing to do with us or me. I have, of course, had boyfriends who looked at porn before, and it didn't really bother me because they didn't look at it every other day and always preferred to be with me. However, this is not the case with my husband. I'm hurt and unsure what to do.

Wife

Dear Wife,

Speak to the stress - not so much the porn.

At some point of his life, probably before you entered the bedroom, porn became a way for your man to relieve stress. It's NOT about you being attractive or his desire to fantasize about sex with strangers (or exes), it's about escaping reality and coping with stress. Stressing the stress should help you avoid being offended and allow you to speak to the bigger issue: His way of relieving stress is creating stress for you and putting a strain on the relationship. So, talk to him, but avoid making it about only porn and guilt. Make it about the porn in the context as a stress reliever and how it's shutting him off from your intimate relationship. Then focus on ways he can relieve stress without going missing in the bedroom. If he can't curb the porn, he needs to get help. There's therapy, SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous, www.sexaa.org) meetings, and books and workbooks by Patrick Carnes. If he wants to stop and can't stop - that's a sign of an addiction.

Girlfriend Can't Stop Lying To Herself

2009-03-05T22:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Harlan,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We decided to have sex for the first time, and I was a virgin. I only agreed to it because he said he was a virgin too. However, he has lied about a lot of things to me. He lied about talking to a girl he used to like while we were dating. When I gave him an ultimatum, he picked me. Later, I found out he was still talking to her. I gave him a final ultimatum, and he finally stopped talking to her. He has lied about his money situation, porn on his computer and smoking pot. I've wanted to break up with him, but haven't done it. Now I've discovered he may have lied to me about his virginity. His friend opened his mouth and told me how much they used to do it. I confronted him with it, and he said she was a liar and always was trying to ruin his life. I didn't know what to believe. Yesterday, another girl messaged me saying she had sex with him, too. I feel so betrayed, but he says it's not true. I don't want to believe him because of all the lying hehas already done, but I don't know if I should believe him on this. What do I do?

Seeking Truth

Dear Seeking Truth,

I can only imagine that if you were standing next to the bed while your boyfriend was losing his virginity to someone else and he told you it was an optical illusion, you would try your hardest to believe it. Unless this guy has more than one virginity (and he doesn't), he's probably lying — AGAIN! I mean, he is a liar. And you're just lying to yourself. Why you can't face the truth is what I would focus on after you move on. I also would get tested for any possible sexual souvenirs. That's the truth.

Dating Former Teacher Can Be Fun

2009-03-04T16:27:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I'm 20, and I'm currently in a long-term relationship with a man a little over 40. He is my ex-teacher, and I had known him for about 3 years as a friend before we started a more-intimate relationship (after I was no longer his student). The age difference and my inexperience in dating (I had had one previous boyfriend) make me anxious about the future. I worry that if we stay together, he will reach old age when I am middle-aged. I also worry about my own maturity and development. Also, things will become more complicated, as he just got a job at the college I am attending (he needed to find a closer location to cut out the hours spent commuting). How do you think his peers and mine will respond to knowledge of our relationship?

Slightly Worried

Dear Slightly Worried,

He's old and wise; you're young and not as wise. The risk is that as you get older and wiser, he'll just get old.

Given that this is your first serious relationship, there's not a lot of competition for it to be your BEST. So do yourself and your peers (who will think this is totally wrong) a favor: Listen to yourself. DO NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING. He might know what he wants, but you need years to figure it out. If you do continue seeing him, make sure he's only part of your life, not your entire life. Don't move in together. Don't get engaged. Have friends. Discover other passions. Find some balance. Your 20s are about figuring out who you are. Let time and experiences in college be your teacher - not him.

Sex With Boyfriend Causes Parental Problems

2009-03-02T09:22:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I just turned 18. My problems all started when my parents found out that I had sex with my boyfriend. My parents took extreme measures to keep me away from him. I graduated from high school with honors and am going to attend college in the fall, but I have a big issue facing me. I love my boyfriend deeply, and I would like to continue being with him. But my parents said that if I do that, I must move out of the house.

Confused

Dear Confused,

Note to parents: Forcing your teenage daughter to move out of the house and in with her boyfriend will result in your daughter having more sex with her boyfriend, growing closer to him and growing further from you.

Advice to Confused: Figure out if this is about your boyfriend or about your having sex. If it's your boyfriend, find out specifically what your parents have a problem with. Parents' opinions are actually worth something. Once you get clarification, thank them for caring so much (that will throw them) and figure out what YOU want. If you move out, make sure you can move back in or with someone else if things go bad. The last thing you want is to depend on a boyfriend for everything. But as an honors student, you should know that.

The Risk That Leads To Love...

2009-02-27T14:11:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

It was during our freshman year in college, 27 years ago, that we became very close friends. He occasionally would try to become romantically involved with me, but I would always refuse, probably because my mother said that this was the guy for me.

Several years passed, and we remained best friends. We each married someone else; I quickly realized my mistake and got divorced. Meanwhile, my friend and his first wife had their ups and downs. When he asked me for advice, I urged him to do everything that he could to work things out. Eventually it became clear that they were not meant to be together. Several years ago, I became very ill. My physicians and I decided that I needed to go to the Mayo Clinic. My best friend is a pilot for a major airline, and it turned out that he had a

24-hour layover in Minneapolis. He drove down to Rochester, N.Y., to see me. I told him how much I appreciated his coming to see me and how much I had valued his friendship. He said: "Well, of course I would come to see you — I've loved you for 25 years." I responded, "Do you think it will rain tomorrow?" He thought to himself, "Oh, well, nothing has changed in 25 years." The next morning, we had breakfast, and he left to go back to the airport. As soon as he left, I burst into tears. I finally realized that I had loved him for 25 years, but I had just sent him away. The next day, I flew from Rochester to Minneapolis. When I got off the plane I looked for the gate for my connecting flight. That's when I heard a voice say, "Ma'am, your plane's that-a-way." As soon as I realized that he was "the pilot" who was talking, I flew into his arms, and have been there ever since. We were married last May, and our love grows deeper and deeper every day. Oh yeah, my mother was right.

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

I love, love, love it! Thank you!

Perpetrator of Rejection By Silence (RBS) Clears The Air

2009-02-26T14:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I've been on both the receiving and giving end of rejection and wanted to share my story. I don't know if it will give anyone insight, because it was rather shallow. But sometimes, people are.

I met "Jack" on a lark when I posted on a Web site looking for someone to chill out with that night. We really hit it off via instant messaging, and he seemed too good to be true. We decided to meet the next day, but I got cold feet and bailed. I ended up meeting him the day after, and it was pretty cool. He was into me and I loved his personality, but I

wasn't attracted to him. We went out one more time and sent each other texts every day for the next three weeks (he travels for work). He was looking forward to seeing me, but I decided I

couldn't deal with the thought of us being any more intimate than kissing. I basically stopped returning his calls and answering his texts. It was easier to allow him to believe that perhaps I died falling into a vat of ice cream rather than to flat-out say "I'm not really into you." Besides, I'm horribly insecure myself. I was afraid he might say something horrible back to me to save face. This is horrible, and I'm well aware of it. But this is entirely what people mean when they say "It's not you, it's me." This time, it was about me.

Next2Nothing

Dear Next2Nothing,

Thanks for being so honest. Sadly, this is how most people do it.

For all you know, this guy could have been cool with rejection. He might have wanted to be friends. Then, who knows what could have happened? But Rejection By Silence doesn't result in answers. RBS just creates more questions and leaves more people even more uncomfortable (you included).

There's Love Beyond The Ex

2009-02-26T14:17:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

This is in response to the letter from "Stuck." I want her to know that she is not alone. I, too, was in a mentally abusive relationship, but it was for five years. During this time, he cheated on me twice, and I held on thinking it was the only love I was ever going to find. I thought about the relationship and the damage it was doing to me emotionally, and I left the relationship with more confidence then I've ever had. It is a hard road getting over that abusive love, because you are attached to the idea of that person being your soul mate. But trust me when I say that leaving him behind will be the best and strongest choice you might ever make. It's been about two years since I walked away, and since then, I have found a true relationship with a gentleman who treats me as an equal and a life partner. We are engaged now and are getting married next spring. There is light around the corner. You will find the right guy for you.

Unstuck

Dear Unstuck,

I love letters of support like this. To all those exes and partners in unhealthy, unhappy and abusive relationships who feel like they have no options — you're wrong. You have endless options. We live in a world of endless options. The moment you lose sight of this is the moment you need to get help and reach out to the people who love you and have loved you through the years. There is something better out there. Don't take it from me — take it from Unstuck.

Boyfriend Suddenly Falls Out of Love

2009-02-25T11:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Harlan,

My boyfriend just broke up with me after five months. It was out of nowhere and unexpected. How can someone not be into it anymore, all of a sudden? We just had a wonderful Christmas — I could tell he put time and effort into my gift. He just helped me buy a car, which he also took out time into doing for me. I just cannot fathom how he could just decide that all the bad times were more significant than the good times. I have been thinking about all the times we enjoyed, even recently when he seemed happy. I just don't understand how he can let all those good times go. What I really want to know is, How can I get him to give me a second chance?

Holding On

Dear Holding On,

People don't just fall out of love. They slip and then fall. He's been slipping for a while. Asking him for a second chance implies you've done something wrong. You aren't wrong. This is just the painful side of dating. You need to give him space. You can't persuade this guy to be into you. He has to convince himself. Surround yourself with people who love you. If he comes back, then you can decide if YOU want to give HIM a second chance.

Expectant Father Makes Mistakes

2009-02-25T11:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Harlan,

My wife is pregnant, and I can't seem to stop making mistakes. This weekend we painted the nursery. I mentally planned ahead that if my wife corrected my painting technique, I wouldn't take it personally. Well, as we were painting, I occasionally dripped paint on the floor. Most of it hit the dropcloth. She asked me to be careful. I tried, but I dropped more paint. That turned "Happy Pregnant Woman" into an enraged cross between "Angry Pregnant Woman" and "Irrational Pregnant Woman." She blew up about how I ruined the floor and how it will never get clean. She threw her stuff down, left the room and said: "You just finish everything!" Trying to be a good and understanding husband, I did not explode back at her. I said that I would clean it up in a minute (I was holding a roller full of paint at the time) and that I'd stop putting so much paint on the roller. This caused a second explosion. Now, the REAL problem, she says, is that she hates the color of the nursery and doesn't want anything to do with it.What the heck am I supposed to do now?

Receptive to Advice

Dear Receptive,

First, congrats on the coming baby! Let me break this down: the paint on the floor — it's a mom wanting everything to be perfect. The color of the paint: that too is about everything being perfect. This is about control, and right now, you both have so little. Put away the paint. Once the baby arrives, pick a color based on his or her personality. Get enough dropcloths to cover the entire floor (and a fan to help the paint dry faster). The baby will sleep in your room for a while (in a bassinet or co-sleeper), so this will give you time to figure out the paint. As for your wife and her emotions, all you can do is ask that she speak to you nicely (even when yelling). She can get mad, upset and even irrational, but still, you deserve to be spoken to nicely.

Secret Valentine

2009-02-25T11:52:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

There's a guy I like, and he doesn't know that I like him. I want to get him something for Valentine's Day, but I don't want it to say anything like "I like you!" We're both 11 years old, and I don't have much money. Heck, I'm broke! I need to give him something homemade without my mom being suspicious! I need to get something that won't make everyone around me suspicious. Help me!

Secret Valentine

Dear Secret Valentine,

I love that you want to keep this a secret. I love that you want to take a risk. Not only am I going to give you the best Valentine's gift idea, I'm going to give you the best advice. If people find out about your feelings, there's NOTHING to be embarrassed about. During your lifetime, millions of boys will like you and share your feelings — millions will not. But know that liking someone and not being liked isn't shameful. If someone can't appreciate being liked by you, that's his problem — not yours. NEVER FORGET THIS. Give the world permission to not always love you, and still know you are lovable. As for a gift, how about a picture in a frame? Print out the picture on the computer and make a frame out of construction paper or Popsicle sticks.

Worried About Rejection

2009-02-23T13:05:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I met this guy over the Internet and I've seen him, but he hasn't seen me. I really like him, and I don't want to get rejected. I don't know how to tell him how I feel.

Worried About Rejection

Dear Worried,
You just tell him. Then you wait for a response. If he's interested, GREAT. If he's not interested, still GREAT. Thank him for not wasting your time and for being honest. Then move on to someone who can appreciate what it is you have to offer. This is called Risk-Taking/Rejection Research. It's all about facing The Universal Rejection Truth of Dating and Relationships. From your question, it's clear that you're not all that familiar with this truth. To familiarize you:

The greatest obstacle we face when taking a risk in love (and in life) is called The Universal Rejection Truth. The URT is an unspoken and largely secret truth that says, "NOT everyone we like will always like us." Rejection doesn't mean that you're not attractive or desirable; it just means that not everyone can be with everyone.

Sounds simple, but it's not. Most people (you included) can't handle The Universal Rejection Truth. But The URT is unavoidable. That's why you must start training immediately. Training is all about getting comfortable in your skin. It's changing things about yourself that can be improved (in a healthy way) and embracing what can't. For example, my ears stick out. Some women love them; some don't. I can't worry about the ones who don't - it's their loss. As you continue to take risk after risk, make sure to surround yourself with people who can remind you how attractive and desirable you are. It's easy to forget that when facing The URT. So take a risk; if you can't, start training. Then send me your stories. Remember, any risk taken is a success. I'll post risk-taking research as part of Rejection/Risk Awareness Week.

Former Christian Doesn't Want To Let Family Down

2009-02-20T13:27:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,
I'm a Christian - well, I was a Christian. Basically, I don't believe the same things I did, and the more surprising part is, I don't want to. The problem is that my parents have no clue about this change. I don't know how to tell them, or even if I should tell them, but I feel like I'm living a lie. I feel like such a hypocrite when I go to church. I've never rebelled before or gotten into trouble. I was one of those good Christian girls. I'm afraid of what everyone will think if they find out. They would be so shocked and disappointed. What's worse is that they'd start praying for me and pitying me and looking at me like I'm ignorant and helpless. I've seen it happen before with other "backsliders." I've never done anything bad before. They've been good parents, and I owe them a lot. I don't want to hurt them or strain our relationship. Should I tell them or should I just keep pretending until I graduate and move very far away?

Backsliding

Dear Backsliding,
Who needs them to judge you? You've beaten yourself up enough for everyone. You're not a bad person for questioning your faith. It's not shameful or wrong. Questioning religion, God, why bad things happen to good people - this is good stuff. This is what a thoughtful person should do. It should be encouraged. What also should be encouraged is getting as much information as possible before deciding what you are and what you are not. Talk to your clergy and ask tough and honest questions (you won't be the first). You might be surprised to hear their answers. Then, talk to your parents. Avoid telling them you're no longer a Christian. Ask them if they've ever questioned their faith, and then raise your questions. Share your conversations that you've had with other spiritual leaders. Give yourself a couple of years to ask questions and explore these feelings. Whatever you do, do not keep this a secret or reach conclusions without first talking to the people who know you and love you the most.

Student Might Love Professor, But Needs Further Instruction

2009-02-18T05:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I've been in love with my professor (I think), and I don't know how to get rid of my feelings for him. All I want to feel is respect for him and not be in love. He's just so sweet and kind. There's also this physical attraction. He's different from all the other teachers I have ever met. In fact, he's different from any person I have ever met. What does it feel like to be in love? Is it different for every person?

Confused Student

Dear Confused Student,

Professors are easy to fall in love with. You stare at them for hours. They're punctual. They're great listeners. They don't believe in "stupid questions." They're usually fairly intelligent. And they stimulate your mind in ways you never imagined. Professors and people of authority have a way of making those under them feel comfortable, stimulated and desired - all things associated with love. But he's only interested in touching your mind - that's all. If you want to turn this into respect, respect him for teaching you qualities you can now look for in a partner. As for your questions about love, it's like this: A 13-year-old will define and describe love differently than an 80-year-old, but what the two are feeling is still both "love," and the same all-powerful swirl of emotions. So, find a man who fills you with love, but one who doesn't have authority over you. As a rule, a partner should never be able to break up with you and fail you at the same time.

Rejection Awareness Week (R.A.W.) 2009

2009-02-10T10:18:00.001-08:00

Rejection Awareness Week (R.A.W.) is an annual event taking place every February 7-14 that celebrates The Universal Rejection Truth of Dating and Relationships. The Universal Rejection Truth states the following:

Millions will want and desire you, but millions will not...

While the world is filled with millions of attractive, desirable, and amazing opportunities to find love, most of these people only see opportunities to feel disappointed, discouraged, and disillusioned. As a result, the most desirable people are NOT taking risks. R.A.W. is a celebration that invites the single and searching to take THE RISK that leads to love. Instead of loathing and longing during Valentine's season, take THE RISK.

If you're someone who has already found love, help celebrate R.A.W. by sharing the story of how you took THE RISK . Help prove that love really is just around the corner, down the street, or a few clicks of the mouse away.

Thank you,
Harlan Cohen
Founder of Rejection Awareness Week

Virgin Wrestles With Sexual Urges

2009-02-08T21:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I am 17, and I just started attending college. I am proud to say that I made it through high school and stayed a virgin. I know plenty about contraceptives, mistakes, love partners, feelings and all that. It's just that the urges I used to get back then are very much stronger now, and I feel like I am ready to have sex now more than ever. I cannot stop thinking about it - at all! I am waiting for that special someone, but I just want something more, I guess, to satisfy me, yet I want to stay a virgin until the right time. Help me out.

Impatient Virgin

Dear Impatient Virgin,
The truth - it's easier to have sex in college than to not have sex. There will always be someone who's drunk enough, desperate enough or lonely enough to be with you. As for the right time, that has to be your call. Keeping the following in mind,you can still be creative sexually with yourself or a partner and hang onto your virginity. Here's when NOT to let let it go.

- When it's with someone who doesn't doesn't respect you.

- When you can't talk to your partner about anything on your mind before sex, during sex or after sex.

- While you or your partner is drunk or high.

- When sex is about getting someone to like you.

- When you can't discuss a partner's sexual history.

- When you don't know the person's first and last name

- When you can't ask your partner to get tested for HIV, chlamydia and other sexual souvenirs.

- When you don't think the sex will be available tomorrow, so you have it today while it's available.

- When you have sex because your friends are having sex, and you don't want to be the only virgin.
- When you don't have birth control - assuming you don't want to make a baby (even condoms aren't 100 percent effective against birth control and STDs).

- Under ANY kind of pressure.

Hurt By Roommate's Rejection

2009-02-04T07:57:00.002-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I think I've made a mistake with my roommate. Near the end of the semester, a guy I was seeing spent four nights in two weeks at our place. I now look back on that decision and regret it. When I came back this week from break, she was gone. She never mentioned a word to me, and all I found on my bed was the contract with the two rules against having overnight guests underlined. Before this, I attempted to call her to apologize and sent numerous text messages, but never received a response. The move just caught me a bit off guard because she has had several friends spend the night when they were drunk. She left the room a mess, and I had to clean it up. Should I dwell on the fact that she moved, or let it go?

A Bit Hurt

Dear A Bit Hurt,

Fast-forward 10 years — your roommate is married and fighting with her spouse. Instead of talking it over, she packs her bags, pulls out the wedding vows, underlines the part about honoring her and splits. Roommate contracts are more of a framework for dialogue. The key word is "dialogue" (silence isn't dialogue, unless you're a mime). Clearly, she had problems with you, and you had problems with her. The problem was that neither of you discussed the problems. You're both at fault. At least you apologized. Next time, discuss issues that can be uncomfortable before they get uncomfortable. If you make it a rule to get comfortable with the uncomfortable, possible confrontations can be friendly conversations.

College Interview Can Be Scary

2009-02-04T07:57:00.001-08:00

Hey Harlan,

Quick question: I am planning on having a college interview this week, and I am very scared. Could you give me some tips?

Scared Senior

Hey Scared Senior,

One tip: Think of it as a conversation, not an interview. Forget about the college accepting you — find out if you want to accept it. Change your attitude from "WANT ME! TAKE ME! PICK ME" to "Is this the right school for me?" With this mind-set, create a list of "take away" questions that will help you take away information to help guide your decision-making process. Once you know what you want, think about what the interviewers want. What they want is to know YOU. Give them YOU. Be YOU. If you're not you, and you're accepted, you'll have to be the person you're pretending to be for the next four years. And that can be exhausting. Practice interviewing with a counselor at school, parents and friends. Remove all the crude, lewd and questionable pictures (and photo tags) from your Facebook and MySpace pages (no alcohol, craziness or sexually suggestive poses — this includes tags). Checking out applicants on Facebook and MySpace often is standard procedure. Bottom line: Forget thinking of this as an interview, and think of it as an exciting conversation. Share your best qualities and give the college rep permission to know you. If the interview doesn't go as planned, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Not all schools are the right fit. See what fits and move on.

Harlan Lost His Marbles

2009-02-04T07:56:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

This in response to your column about not telling when you know someone is having an affair. Have you lost your marbles? In this day of spreading sexually transmitted diseases, the first thing one should do is tell the spouse. Some spouses will choose to ignore you, and others will not. It is their decision. Ann Landers used to say, "Don't tell." She also recanted that info in one of her last columns about spreading diseases. Please rethink your answer. What about vaginal infections, and what about AIDS? Thanks for listening.

Anonymous in Pennsylvania

Dear Anonymous,

With all due respect, I loved Ann Landers and think she would have agreed with me on this one. I'm all for sharing info about a cheating spouse under the right circumstances, but in this situation, the tenant suspects the landlord is having an affair with the neighbor. And the tenant has no real proof. Therefore, I suggested she share her suspicions when she's packed and the moving truck with her stuff is driving down the street. Until then, telling the spouse will just make her look like a liar when everyone denies it. It will also make it hard to get her heat fixed, walls painted and toilet plunged when the landlord dislikes her. Ann and I agree that it's important to tell because of health reasons, but there's a time to tell. And now isn't the time.

Talking to Ex Doesn't Help

2009-02-04T07:55:00.002-08:00

Dear Harlan,

My ex and I broke up almost two years ago. We dated for two years and he was my first love. We still talk every day, even though he cheated on me with my best friend (he is still with her after two years). He tells me how much he loves me and how miserable he is with her. I moved to another state to get away from him, but I don't have the determination to stay away. I still love him, but it's been two years and it's getting a little old. It affects my life at school and my relationships now. How do I cut him out of my life?

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

First, call this what it is — emotional abuse. He cheated on you and he's sleeping with your best friend. And then you sit there on the phone and listen to him complain about her. And then he tells you how much he loves you. And then he goes to bed with her again (that's just cruel). I'll make it simple — get help. You need it. If you can't cut him out, surround yourself with people who will help you to see that he is abusive and that you can live without him. He's controlling you, manipulating you and he's eating up all your time and energy. When you need to make a change but feel powerless to take action to make the change, that's when you need help. Find a therapist and a support group for survivors of abuse. Find someone other than him who can be there for you. Because when you set limits, he's going to call and call and call. When you feel the urge to pick up the phone, you need to have someone else to call to remind you that picking up that phone is allowing him to emotionally smack you around. Do the work and you'll see that you live in a world of options. He might be your first love, but he's the last person you should have in your life. Stay away.

Hot, 19, and Looking For More

2009-02-04T07:55:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I'm a 19-year-old, intelligent, opinionated, independent, easygoing, single female. Either I choose the wrong men, don't know where to look for them or both. It seems that every guy I am interested in is not looking for a serious relationship like I am, but rather someone to fool around with. I've been told by a few male friends that I'm intimidating, and I'm guessing it is because I'm not afraid to speak my mind. I'm just tired of the mind games. I want a mature, nice guy, and they are nowhere to be found. Please help!

Looking For More

Dear Looking for More,

Here's the truth — it's harder to be a women who demands respect, because there are plenty of women who won't demand respect. I think a lot of guys get used to women who demand so little. So, when a woman has standards, it can be intimidating (especially an attractive one). The answer isn't to lower your standards. It's to maintain them. I'll never forget this one guy talking with me about his first date. He said, "I really like her, but she slept with me, and I just can't date a girl like that." I know, he slept with her too, but I thought it was intriguing. A guy who knows who he is and what he wants will rise to the level expected. Since lowering your standards isn't an option, get comfortable with the reality that you're going to have to date a lot of guys. You are going to have to work harder to get what you want. And being an attractive and intimidating woman means that you are going to scare some guys away. There are mature nice guys out there. Many of them are busy working, studying and avoiding the games. A lot of them would love to be approached by you.

Good Guys Start Slow

2009-02-04T07:54:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I don't want to believe this, but I believe good guys finish last. Please state why this is not true.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Great letter. Some good guys finish last, but the ones who can stay good tend to finish first. Let me explain:

The majority of good guys finish last NOT because they are good guys, but because they rarely are good guys who also can express their feelings. They confuse being good with being passive. They don't understand that you can still be a good guy and be assertive, determined, articulate and aggressively pursue women. Another problem with being a good guy is that not all women like to be treated nicely. Some like to be treated like garbage. As a result, good guys will frequently get rejected. (Note: all guys get rejected, but the good guys take it harder and blame it on being a good guy.) As women get older and get more comfortable in their skin, many realize that being treated nicely is a good thing and they want a good guy. The problem is that a lot of the good guys go bad after not being appreciated by women soon enough. But the good guys who manage to stay good and can be assertive, determined, articulate and aggressively pursue women will find an endless supply of women who want to be pursued.

So, to sum this up, some good guys finish last, but the patient ones will finish first and live the majority of their lives in the front of the pack.

Helpful Friend Needs Help

2009-02-04T07:51:00.003-08:00

Dear Harlan,

So, there's a great guy who is always there for everyone. He's funny, intelligent and always helps others. Yet he is so messed up. The other night, someone noticed that there was a burn mark on his hand. When asked, he said he put a cigarette out in his hand. This guy is everything to everybody. He takes time to figure out everyone's problems but his own. At least that's how I see it. And it drives me nuts! He lives to be in relationships. He lives inside his head. He doesn't want to deal with it, and now it's affecting me. When confronted with it, he brushes it off, saying he's fine or that "it's all good." I think he's too proud to admit his faults. Recently, he is struggling to cope with a friend's suicide. He has no family connections. Everyone has problems to deal with, but when those things start affecting others, do I have a right to step in?

Helpful Helpless Friend

Dear Helpful Helpless,

The dude is burning himself to cover up the pain — nothing is "all good" or even partially good about this. The lack of family, the friend's suicide, his masking his own emotions with everyone else's problems — it's all toxic. Since he's so good at helping other people, help him look at himself from a distance. Ask him what he would do if he knew someone was in deep pain and that person didn't want to get help. Have him see himself through your eyes. If he refuses to get help, ask him what needs to happen for him to get help. Find a support group and offer to go with him the first couple of times. But make it clear that unless he gets help, you can't be close to him — it's just not healthy for you to be around him. And be sure to connect him with a crisis hotline, just in case. Here's one: 1-800-SUICIDE (hopeline.com).

Nontraditional Student

2009-02-04T07:51:00.002-08:00

Dear Harlan,

I start school in January 2009 as a transfer student. I'm a 23-year-old Air Force vet, I earned 62 credits at the community college of the Air Force in meteorology and I'm soon to be a single parent of a 15-month-old. Do you have any advice for people like me when it comes to getting all done? Maybe you could add some to your next book. I'll definitely share some of my stories with you when I have some.

Nontrad Student

Dear Student,

First, congrats on this next step, and THANK YOU for your service. The biggest mistake I see nontraditional students make is thinking that they're uninteresting and that 18-year-old students won't want to get to know them. You are wildly interesting. The fact that you're an Air Force vet, have a child and have been married all by age 23 makes you interesting. My advice: Don't keep this life of yours a secret. Embrace your past. By sharing your experiences, you'll find friends, support, babysitters and maybe even a relationship. Also, look to find support from other single moms on campus and in the community (find moms who have been there and done it). If there is a family housing building on campus, talk to the staff and ask for suggestions on where to find support. Also, ask student services for available resources. Embrace who you are and where you've been, and others will do the same. Again, thanks and congratulations!

Bored College Student

2009-02-04T07:50:00.003-08:00

Dear Harlan,

Coming home for semester break has been terrible so far. My family doesn't remember how the house works with me present. I only have about two friends that I even care to see, and everyone else makes me feel inadequate with their crazy college stories. (Don't get me wrong, I really want to go back to college — and I have stories, too. I just feel like they're not as good as everyone else's.) I'm not getting many hours at my job this break, so I literally have nothing to do. I really don't want to sit around my house. I hate it at home. I don't know how I can be here for an entire month! How can I make it better?

Breaking Down

Dear Breaking Down,

Bad attitude, man. This month is a gift.What can you do to pass the time? You can read a book, write a book, go online, build a Web site, go through boxes from your childhood, sell stuff from your childhood on eBay, work out, tone your abs, lose weight, gain weight, lose weight again, learn to dance, learn to play guitar, play piano, play cards, pray, find a date, pray that you find a date, go on a date, go on a second date, go bowling (alone or on a date), volunteer, attend a support group, work at an animal shelter, help those in need, get help you might need, read to children, go to the library, go on a road trip, hunt, fish, climb a mountain, canoe, kayak, swim, take a train across the country and back again, build something, take it down, rebuild it, sit, sleep, roll over, go to a movie, go to another movie, watch a documentary, film a documentary, create a YouTube series documenting your break, stare at the wall, stare at the ceiling, look at the sky, watch the sunrise, watch the sunset or change your attitude. Yes, start with changing your attitude — then do something. Happy New Year!

Single Mother

2009-02-04T07:50:00.002-08:00

Hey Harlan,

I'm a single mother with four wonderful, beautiful children. Like most Americans, my bills are barely caught up. When my parents and sisters started asking me what I wanted for Christmas, I told them: "To get caught up with my bills." My mother looked offended and said "I'm not paying a bill for Christmas. That defeats the purpose. I want to buy you something fun." My little sister said, "Don't ask for that; we can't afford it." It would give me more joy than anything to actually have the weight lifted off my chest for even one month out of the entire year. Did I break some form of holiday taboo by making such a request?

Gifted

Dear Gifted,

The honest answer? Paying your bills can be a bummer to the gift-giver (regardless of the joy you get from it). If you want them to pay your bills, find a fun way to do it. Next gift-giving occasion, have them get you an American Express, MasterCard or Visa gift card. Check the rules, but you can usually use these things for anything (even paying bills). You can also get a gift card to a mall or store where you buy necessities. Let them think they're buying you something fun. It's the difference between an elected official telling us that our tax dollars are going to build playgrounds as opposed to repairing potholes. Yes, pothole repairs are essential, but it's not as much fun to think about.

Bored College Student

2009-02-04T07:50:00.001-08:00

Dear Harlan,

Breaking Down

Dear Breaking Down,